'AITA for refusing to let my brother's family stay with me after they lost their home?'
"AITA for refusing to let my brother's family stay with me after they lost their home?"
I (34M) own a modest 3-bedroom house that I bought five years ago. I live alone and use one bedroom as my home office (I WFH full-time) and the other as a guest room/hobby space where I keep my music equipment and gaming setup.
My brother (38M) and his wife (36F) recently lost their home due to financial issues. They have three kids (12F, 10M, 7F). Their financial problems stem from a series of poor decisions - my brother lost his good-paying job two years ago after repeatedly showing up late, then bounced between jobs while his wife worked part-time.
They kept their kids in expensive private schools and activities they couldn't afford, refused to downsize from their large house, and ignored my parents' and my advice about budgeting.
Eventually, they couldn't keep up with mortgage payments and were foreclosed on.
When they lost their home, they asked if they could stay with me "just for a few months" until they get back on their feet. Here's where I might be the AH: I said no.
My reasons:
My house is simply too small for 6 people. They'd need to take over my entire living space.
I need my home office to work, and I can't work effectively with three kids running around.
I value my peace and quiet, and frankly, I don't want my life turned upside down.
Their "few months" could easily turn into a year or more based on their financial history.
My parents offered to let them stay in their larger home, but they refused because they "don't want to live by my parents' rules."
Instead of letting them stay, I offered to pay for a hotel for two weeks and help them find an affordable apartment. I also offered to cover their security deposit. My brother exploded, calling me selfish and saying I have plenty of space and am "choosing things over family." My parents are torn - they understand my position but think I could "make it work temporarily."
Since then, my brother's family moved in with my parents (despite not wanting to earlier), and I'm getting constant texts from extended family about how I abandoned my brother in his time of need. My brother's wife is posting passive-aggressive things on social media about "finding out who your real family is during hard times." So AITA for not letting them stay with me?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
CarrieLee0407 wrote:
NTA. It's not YOUR responsibility to fix what your brother let fall apart. They should have managed their money better to avoid this situation. Who in their right mind would move an entire family into a house that does not easy accommodate them.
Your house is set up for you. I'm sure you would end up being their personal babysitter as well. Things would get damaged or if they don't want to follow your parent's rules, I'm sure they aren't going to want to follow yours either.
Mundane_Look5516 wrote:
NTA. They had a better alternative (living with your parents) that they were against because they didn’t want to follow the rules. Unless your parents have insane rules, I’m guessing your brother thought he and his family could railroad you and take over your home completely.
You offered a lot of very reasonable help, and if he truly wanted to get his life together he wouldn’t taken you up on your offer to help him find an apartment and pay for the security deposit. Any family members who are giving you a hard time can offer to let your brother live with them.
Otherwise_Degree_729 wrote:
NTA. They want to run rampant in your house while you’re working? They had a perfectly reasonable option with your parents and then you even offered to help them find a place and foot the deposit. They just want to live rent free and take over someone’s house at this point. They thought taking yours over would be easier.
holdingpotato wrote:
NTA. I’d correct them, you didn’t abandon your brother in time of need, you actually offered to do a lot for him, he simply didn’t want anything except exactly what he wanted. It appears that he has not learned anything from his experience as he is still acting like his reality isn’t real.
CertainAged-Lady wrote:
Big red flag, “they do not want to live under my parent’s rules”. Doesn’t sound like they think they would have to live under your rules, does it? Ignore your extended family - if they care that much, they can offer your brother a spot so he can move out of your parent’s home. NTA.
Beautiful-Elephant34 wrote:
Honestly, at times like these, your SIL is correct, you really find out who is there for you. You are finding out who actually cares about you and who the flying monkeys are. Feel free to cut the flying monkeys loose, they lack integrity. If they had integrity, they would tell your brother the truth, that you gave them a good offer and they are being greedy and selfish.
They (your brother and SIL) absolutely intended to take over your house and they were never going to leave. Hence why your brother threw a fit when you put up a reasonable boundary. Your parents are only torn because they don’t want to deal with your brother anymore, but they are the reason he is the way he is, so now they get to deal with the consequences of their parenting.
NTA 1000%. Over a decade ago, I gave my little sister a REALLY sweet deal to live with me.
She had three choices: 1. Go to college full time and pay no rent, utilities, anything. 2. Go to school part time and get a part time job and pay for some utilities and food.
3. Get a full time job and pay some rent and utilities (still way less than if she was on her own). She refused my offer because she thought she was going to come live with me and bum off me the way she was with our mother. I value myself more than that and I’m not her mother.