'AITA for refusing to buy a late birthday gift for my son's classmate?' MAJOR UPDATE

"WIBTA for refusing to buy a late birthday gift for my son's classmate?"

I have three kids (8M, 5M and 1F). My younger son is friends with a classmate I'll call "Mikey". His brother "James" is in the same class as my older son, but they're not friends. Back in March, the boys' mother informed the class' mom groupchat that James had the flu, and his birthday party would have to be canceled. My older son had not been invited to that party.

My wife and I didn't even know about it until she saw the text. But since my son wasn't friends with James, we didn't mind it. My younger son just got his invitation to Mikey's birthday party, which will take place in the first week of June. On it, there is a reminder to bring an additional gift for James. Both me and my wife were confused.

When we asked their parents about it, they said that since James didn't get to have his friends over for his own birthday, they wanted his friends to have the opportunity to give him gifts during Mikey's party. Again, my older son is not friends with James and had not been invited to his canceled party, so we were never planning on giving him a gift in the first place.

We didn't even know it was his birthday. Even if we were buying him a gift, we'd give it to him on some other occasion, not during his younger brother's party. It doesn't feel fair to Mikey. Once my wife and I had agreed on that, we informed the boys' parents we wouldn't get a gift for James.

We told them all our reasons, but they argued that we were being petty and vindictive, and that it was unfair to deprive James of a birthday gift just because our son doesn't like him (from what I gather, that's not the case). Their mother is threatening to uninvite my younger son from Mikey's party over this. Their father is less harsh, but still thinks we should reconsider our decision. WIBTA?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Hopeful-Material4123 wrote:

So for starters....you are most definitely NTA here and the parents are incredibly strange and entitled for this. However, it makes me feel badly for both of their children. It is not you and your wife's job to provide gifts for the older child but I would look at it like this...how important is Mikey to your child?

Could you spare even a small gift for the older child, even if it is from the Dollar Store so your son could spend time with a friend who is important to him. It makes me feel like the children are not treated right by their parents and it makes me feel sad to see this kind of behavior from them. But no...you are not "wrong."

OP responded:

While I wouldn't say money is a problem here, we're not made of it. My daughter turned one weeks ago and we'll have family coming over from our home country in July, so we're trying not to spend too much.

Even if I looked for an inexpensive birthday gift, I have no idea what James likes, and neither does my son. I also would not give it to him during Mikey's birthday party. I know it was their parents' decision, but if I wouldn't do it to my own kids, I won't do it to theirs.

BluePencils212 wrote:

NTA. Are they planning on shaking down Mikey's guests at the door to make sure they're carrying two gifts? And not let them in if not? Because I would just send your younger son with Mikey's gift. I don't understand this--these are Mikey's friends, right?

You happen to have an older son the appropriate age, but moat families won't. So they're forcing two presents out of kids who may not even know the older one? Damn. Here's an idea: Why don't they just reschedule the kid's canceled birthday?

If they can't afford a fancy one, then let it be old school cake at the house. These days most older boys would be happy hanging put and playing video games anyway. Or if it's warm, buy a bunch of cheap water guns and put them outside with a stack of towels. (I did thus during lock down--best party ever, even if my yard suffered a bit.)

fungibleprofessional wrote:

NTA and this is crazy. It’s rude to ask for gifts anyway, but your older son wasn’t even invited to the (canceled) party! Cannot believe the balls on some of these parents.

lemissa11 wrote:

NTA. Super weird. You literally couldn't pay me a million dollars to be in a classroom mom group chat.

OP responded:

My wife is there because they give out information about the school sometimes, but she hates it.

OldHuckleberry5804 wrote:

Sooo I think you’re NTA for not wanting to get a gift for the older kid; its not his bday, your son isn’t friends with him, and your son wasn’t even invited to his original party. I think it was tacky of the parents to request gifts on the invitation.

However, I think you made a problem where there really wasn’t one. They can’t force you to gift something to their other children. They included a tacky reminder on their invite, but that doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it.

I wouldn’t have contacted them and made this into an issue. I would have just ignored it and shown with a gift for Mickey and called it a day. If they had the audacity to question you at the party, I would have just feigned ignorance and said you didn’t notice anything about another gift 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this whole thing could have been avoided, but you made it into a big deal. At this point I probably just wouldn’t go if these people are going to hold your younger son’s invitation hostage and demand gifts for their other kid. That's ridiculous and I wouldn’t want to spend my time around them.

introspectiveliar wrote:

Wrap a copy of Emily Post or Miss Manners etiquette book. Bookmark and highlight the section on gift giving. Put a post it note on the front of the book telling James to please give the book to his parents after he unwraps it. NTA.

A little over a month later, OP shared an update.

The main piece of advice I got when I first posted here (or at least the one that stuck with me the most) was to buy a smaller, inexpensive gift for James. I was more than fine with doing that, but I had no idea what he liked. I also didn't want to give him that gift during his brother's birthday party, as that didn't feel fair to Mikey.

My wife and I talked, and we settled on getting James a gift card to a bookstore. We also had our older son give it to him at school, days before the party. He said James was grateful. Later that day, the boys' mom texted the mom groupchat saying she didn't want people "cheaping out" on James just because it wasn't his birthday.

My wife agrees that it felt targeted, but we can't prove anything. Either way, we've given him a gift. We don't need to indulge in this any more than we already have. We'll just complain to each other.Our younger son wasn't uninvited from the birthday party. I was working, so my wife took him. According to her, the party was clearly Mikey's.

The only thing indicating otherwise was the fact that James opened his gifts during it. My wife said she avoided their parents, but did get a few dirty looks from them, specially when Mikey opened the gift my son had picked out. It was a Spider Man toy car that he thought Mikey would like.

We'd bought it before this whole fiasco. Since we actually know Mikey, it was more personal than the gift card. I still don't understand a single decision the boys' parents made, but I'm glad my son's friendship is intact. I just hope my wife and I don't need to interact with that family too much in the future. Thank you.

Commenters did not hold back.

ChickenScratchCoffee wrote:

I can’t believe you actually gave a gift AND went to the party. This is ridiculous and disgusting that they would even write on the invite to bring the sibling a gift. I would have not went and kept my family away from that s-t storm.

OP responded:

We didn't want to upset our son. He wanted to go to the party, so we let him. Whatever problems we had with James and Mikey's parents are none of his concern.

StellarPhenom wrote:

I know people recommended that at the behest of the children, but it feels like you've just taught their parents that the behavior was OK. Why wouldn't the kids who were going to go to the other boy's party not go to this new one? Why didn't they just throw a combined birthday for both of them where each friend brought a gift for the person they were going to originally?

Also the entire message of "don't cheapen out" would've had me cancel going altogether. Now neither of their children get a gift, and they get to miss out on my kid at their party. I'll take my kid out somewhere fun with the money we would've wasted on their brats.

OP responded:

As much as I don't regret getting James a gift, I'm very upset at his parents. The kids didn't deserve any of this.

BreastClap wrote:

Wow. Sounds to ME like the parents cheaped out on James. Instead of rescheduling James’s bday party, they just add him as a note “Bring James a bday gift” on MIKEY’S bday invites.

Neither of your kids were even invited to James’s Original Party. I’d be side-eyeing these parents big time, and low key watching for other signs of them potentially favoring Mikey (Golden Child??). You’re NTA. What you/your older son did was very nice. Clearly James has more manners than his parents.