'AITA for refusing to take back the chunk of money I gave my niece for her wedding?'
"AITA for refusing to change my mind regarding the money I gave my niece for her wedding?"
I gave my niece a decent sum of money for her wedding. This was 100% a gift on my part and I have not regretted it. But my brother and SIL want me to demand the money back from her for upsetting them. Personally I think their reaction is over the top and extreme. But they're angry and their feelings are hurt so maybe I'm being dismissive.
The issue, if you can even call it that, is the wording used on the save the date's my niece and her future husband sent out. They gave their own names and listed the parents. But my niece listed SIL as my brother's wife instead of as a parent.
It's handled like this. The grooms parents are listed as Parents of the Groom [names]. While my brother and SIL are listed as Father of the Bride [name] + His Wife [name]. She also has a section stating she's the daughter of the late [her mom's name].
My brother and SIL feel like this is a big insult and demeaning of SI'Ls role because she met my niece and her siblings when they were all under 10 and she has been a part of raising them. To be listed as the wife instead of as the parent has led to hurt feelings.
While my brother is angry that his wife is just his wife and his late wife is mentioned as her mother. He feels this overlooks the role SIL played. My niece doesn't regret her choice of words for the save the dates, and because they had multiple discussions after they were sent out and she hasn't apologized, my brother and SIL believe it's wrong for me to fund any part of the insult.
When I refused to demand the money back and I refused to turn against my niece like they wanted, they turned on me. They said I should be defending SIL who raised my niece and the others.
They said this decision has formed a crack in the blended family they built and they fear all the other kids, including SIL's bio kids from her late husband, will follow suit. They told me it should bother me and I should want better for my extended family and they asked how I would feel if any of my children did this to me I don't really think I'm wrong but perhaps I'm just too close to the situation to know. AITA?
People had a lot to say in response.
Eastern_Condition863 wrote:
NTA. Wedding invitations are very formal and indicating what everyone's actual relationship is to the bride and groom isn't wrong. What do they think she should do about her real mom? Just leave her off all together? Lie to everyone that stepmom was the one who actually gave birth? She is showing respect for her stepmom by including her as dad's wife, because that is what she is.
You don't indicate what niece's relationship is like with stepmom or dad, but if they continue to push the issue, they will damage the relationship with the niece (their daughter/stepdaughter). They are trying to use you as a pawn to get what they want and are being incredibly selfish. Also, I don't think this situation formed the crack. The crack was already there.
OP responded:
My brother said she could have listed her mother still and listed SIL as her parent. He said it didn't need to be so othering of SIL and dismissive of the role she played. He feels the way she was listed is not good enough and SIL agrees.
Significant-Bobcat48 wrote:
NTA they listed what was true. This has nothing to do with you and they’re being completely insensitive to the fact that the niece wanted to honor her bio mom AND stepmom and DID.
OP responded:
This is my feeling too. I'm glad to see others agree that demanding the money back is not something I should do.
Handbaglady wrote:
NTA - Maybe the SIL wasn't as good as she thought she was? There is nothing in error about any of this wording. Good on you. Is her father paying for any of it or just you?
OP responded:
They are not paying as far as I know. I believe SIL and my brother see the relationships with their stepchildren differently than the children do.
Apprehensive_War9612 wrote:
NTA. Your niece worded the save-the-dates to reflect her relationships. Her mother didn’t disappear, she died. She was still her mother. Your SIL was included & could have been ignored all together. They need to get over themselves.
Now, if THEY paid for the wedding & felt offended then they are entitled to do what they want- but the AUDACITY to demand YOU take back money you gave is ridiculous. Your brother & SIL seem like controlling assholes who expect everyone to see things the way they see them. THEY formed a family, so niece must fall in line. THEY are offended so you must respond accordingly. Its a joke.
SciFiEmma wrote:
You earn being a mom, you don't marry into it, and being deceased does not erase you from history. It is a privilege to be invited to the event at all; it's not a right.
Stick to your guns: NTA.
Ziggs9122 wrote:
They are being ridiculous. Tell them to handle their business without dragging you in.
Su-at_sapo wrote:
Why is it that the new partners of widows or widowers always want to erase the memory of the real parent that passed away? Such a fragile ego. NTA your brother and SIL are way over dramatic and disrespecting the memory of their former partners.
Prodigious_Wind wrote:
NTA. Your position seems perfectly reasonable and I can see why your niece would want her late mother mentioned in her ceremony. I suppose a part of me can sympathise with SIL, who has been a stepmother for a long time but it would seem the issue is one of poor communication or unclear expectations between niece and SIL and they should sort it out between themselves.