I (40F) am the primary healthcare proxy for my mother (85F), and our relationship is… complicated to say the least. Growing up, my parents have always had favorites between me and my brother (44M now).
My brother was my mother’s favorite, and I was my dad’s favorite. And because of that, it sort of “balanced out.” However, my dad passed away last year when he was 91, and it was a really difficult time for me and my mother.
Especially since my mother’s health had declined a lot since my dad passed away. And despite how I wasn’t as close to my mother, I still decided to step up to take care of her. Especially when my dad asked me to do so on his de-th bed, because he didn’t want my mother to be all alone after he passed away.
However, recently, I heard from one of my dad’s friend about how my mother was planning on leaving almost everything behind for my brother in her will. How my brother was going to get the majority of the financial inheritance, all of the family heirlooms, and most importantly…the family home that my father wanted to give to me, but decided not to do so, because he didn’t want to make my mother homeless.
And that bothers me, because not only have I been the one to take care of her for the last year, but also because this kind of blatant favoritism seemed far too extreme, even for me. Especially since my brother already has a house on his own since my father gifted him one when he was first got married.
While I still don’t have one for myself, because I promised my dad that my and my (now deceased) husband that we wouldn’t buy one for ourselves, since my dad that he wanted to give us the family home. So, when I confronted my mother over this, she not only confirmed that it was true.
But she told me that she thought it would be better for my brother to have the family home, because it was bigger than the house that he had now. And that he and his wife (34F) was going to have another child soon, so they need more room. And she also argued that since I only had 1 daughter and no husband, I didn’t need such a big house.
But when I told her about what my dad promised me about the family home, she argued that if he really meant it, then he would have given it to me in the first place, instead of just leaving it under her own name. And since she own the house now, she was going to give it to my brother, no matter what.
But she did try to “provide” me with solutions by telling me that I should ask my brother for his house if owning a house was the main issue. Which obviously wasn’t going to work out. And now, because of what feels like a massive betrayal, I feel like I should just cut my support for her, sign away my rights as her healthcare proxy, and never talk to her again.
But I also feel conflicted if I did so, because I’ll be betraying my dad’s death wish. Especially since I promised that I would take care her after he passed.
So, WIBTA for wanting to refuse to continue to support my mother because of what she wrote down on her will?
EDIT: So, because of character limits, I wasn’t able to explain the whole family situation. So I’m going to try to leave some comments behind to explain everything. And how and why I’m not mad about the favoritism toward my brother in the majority of my mother’s will.
EDIT (2): Especially since, after my dad died, he left behind a favorable amount of money for me. About 70/20/10, with 70% going to me (with me getting about 5.5mil for both personal uses and for medical care for my mother).
20% going to my brother (so he gets 1.7mil to support his family), and 800K for my mother for her to use for her own personal care (and that I would use the money I received from my dad to care for her).
And yes, I know this is blatant favoritism from both sides (and yes… I know it wasn’t fair for our parents to play favorites). Which is why I’m not upset about my brother receiving the majority of my mother’s will in both finances and in having the rest of the family heirlooms.
The only thing that I’m just upset about is not getting the family home like I was promised by my father. Especially since that’s what my dad wished for me to have, only for my mother to trample all over that because she believes that my brother needs the home more than I do. So, I hope my comments and edits would leave behind more details to make this a more “fair” judgement.
DinaFelice wrote:
"Mom, I've been taking care of you because it was Dad's wish that I do so. But it was also his wish that I get the house...in fact, the only reason he didn't give it to me directly is that he didn't want you to be homeless."
"But if you feel no obligation to follow his wishes, I guess I shouldn't either. I'm sorry that you don't think of me as equal to my brother, but since it is absolutely clear that that is your position, I feel foolish trying to push something on you that you clearly don't want."
"I'll let Brother know that you need him to take care of you from now on, and I'll try to move on with my life knowing that nothing I could ever do is good enough for you." NTA. Your parents' behavior -- both of them, not just your mom's -- has been atrocious, and it's completely understandable that you are done with it. It was unfair of them to play favorites and it was selfish of them to create a situation like this.
KopyToaMnouk wrote:
This. The fact OP already received 70% of her father's estate significantly changes the game. Info: what is the price of the contentious house? A fair thing to do would be to calculate the 5,5mil OP got against the 1,7 mil the brother got, plus the value of the house, and then decide who was screwed over.
I would say that the biggest AHs are the parents, with the father being the one who sucks the most What a screwed way to treat their own children. OP may or may not be the AH depending how the price of the house evens out with what she already got. But I can't fully blame her because what the parents did is really monstruous.
OP responded:
The family home is not for sale, and I hope it won’t be for sale for a long time. If possible, never. Especially since this is a home that has a long generations of my family that lived in it. It was my great-grandparents that bought it, and it was passed down from my paternal side of the family.
But my brother already has a house of his own, a 3 bedroom house that my father gifted to him as a wedding gift.
And he said that, in today’s market, he could hypothetical sell that for a good 3-4 million dollars worth.
Especially since it is more modern house in an affluent area. As for me, I was never gifted a house even on my wedding day, because my father promised me that he would pass over the family home down to me. Which probably isn’t going to happen, considering my mother wants to give it to my brother instead.
Kingsdaughter613 wrote:
NTA. But you’re the AH to yourself if you stay. She favours your brother so much, and he has a partner to help, so sign the healthcare proxy over to him. I’m sure he’ll be very glad to help someone who is giving him so much. And while that’s ongoing: talk to a lawyer. Do you have any documentation proving that your dad wanted you to have the house?
You may be able to contest your mom’s ownership if you do. But even if you don’t: document all the time you have spent caring for her, set yourself an hourly rate, total up the costs, and request payment. You may be able to recoup the time spent caregiving from the estate after she passes.
OP responded:
All I really have is an old letter from him two years ago, a year before he passed away, stating that he was wished to pass over the family home to me. However, it’s only just a letter and it’s not exactly legal-binding, so I don’t know how valid it would be.
As far as the idea of payment for my services to her, I’m not really sure if that’s what I want to do or if it’s something that I can do. Especially since it would be hard to prove without proper documentation beforehand, since it wasn’t like I was just jotting down every time that I was taking care of her.
After all, it’s not like I live with her or anything. Despite being her primary healthcare proxy in making sure that she gets the most proper care for herself, she still somewhat well enough to take care of herself in a way that does require 24/7 supervision.
All I do like visit her every other day after work to check up on her, make sure to bring her the medication she needs, and give her rides to her appointments when she can’t get there herself. So, besides taking her to her appointments and giving her the medications she needs, that’s really all I do as far as “care” goes.
So, I’m not sure how to document that in a way where it seem like I’ll be properly compensated for that kind of pay, especially when I’m doing the bare minimum in caring for her. And it’s not like I want to be compensated for that kind of work either, besides just making sure that I’m doing right by my deceased dad and to fulfill his wish.
Environmental_Art591 wrote:
"All I really have is an old letter from him two years ago, a year before he passed away, stating that he was wished to pass over the family home to me."
I am not a lawyer so definitely consult one but if that letter was written and signed AFTER his will was then it should raise questions regarding his estate as well as whether or not your mother knew of his intentions as well.
You need to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you do anything about your status as a health care proxy for your mum. Get as much legal info on your options as possible before you make an emotional decision.
OP responded:
I definitely will go consult with a lawyer about it. And I know that I can afford to pay for one as well. After all, that house was promised to me by the very man who bought the house anyways. And I can have it, I sure as hell would like it. Especially since my father wanted me to keep it so that me and my daughter could have a “piece of HIS family heritage for the both of us.”
Acrobatic_Reality103 wrote:
Read again the "all" you do. You are minimizing your contribution. You are making it possible for her to leave independently. You are managing her health care. You are managing her medicines. You are probably doing other chores for her when you stop by. What exactly does your brother do? What kind of relationship do you have with him?
Does he think this is wrong, or does he think he deserves everything? If your mother goes to a nursing home and you are in the US, it won't matter that you were promised the house. It will be used to pay the nursing home bill. You need to tell your brother you are no longer able to manage your mother's care.
He needs to get involved physically and mentally. Give your mom and your brother the number of senior services, tell them to call them, and set something up to help her. Caring for an elderly parent isn't an obligation. It isn't something you are required to do.
You shouldn't do it to expect an inheritance. It is a labor of love. Ideally, your parents showed you love and caring as you were growing up. You show them you love them by helping as they age. Your mom didn't do her part. Let the child she favored and loved more take over her care. I bet she will get a nasty surprise that her favorite one is too busy to take over her daily care.
OP responded:
Thank you for this. I just assumed that since I wasn’t acting as her 24/7 caretaker, then I wasn’t doing enough.
And as far as my brother goes, my mother KNOWS that he can’t take care of her as well as I can now, even if he does have SOME responsibility toward our mother. And she already seems to relatively okay about my brother not taking a bigger role in taking care of her, even if he does help sometimes.
And that’s because my brother already has 5 children to take care of, and a 6th child coming up pretty soon with his wife. So we already know that he has his hands tied with his own family. Whereas I, as a widow, only have 1 daughter who’s already in middle school and who is pretty self-sufficient on her own.
So, that means that I definitely have more time to take care of my mother than my brother has now. Still, you are right. If my mother is going to blatantly disregard my dad’s wish to give me the family home and give it to my brother, then I really should just pass over the primary healthcare proxy over to my brother and let him be her main caretaker.
EDIT:
And to answer your question about what kind of relationship I have with my brother, I like to say that we’re civil and friendly toward each other in a way.
We aren’t super close, but we aren’t enemies either. It’s just casual? We talk to each other occasionally when we either need to or feel like having those random moments of wondering how the other is doing, but we don’t hang out all the time since we both have very busy lives with taking care of our own families.