"AITA for refusing to do anything around the house because my wife insisted on staying home with our child?"
"AITA for refusing to do anything around the house because my wife insisted on staying home with our child?"
I(28m) have been with my wife (27f) for 4 years, married for 1. I'm an electrician and she is an accountant. I make about 60k a year and she makes about 55k. 7 months ago we had our first child, my wife was supposed to go back to work 2 months ago (she took the maximum maternity leave her company allows, 6 months which she started 1 month before labor).
When it was time to resume work, my wife told me that she would feel guilt and sadness if we put our child in day care, therefore, she wants to stay home with him.
I suggested therapy but she is very persistent and says nothing a therapist would say will change her feelings. At this point it seemed like I had no choice so I started calculating how much I would have to work to compensate her income. I usually work 45 hours a week (9×5) and without her income it would have to be at least 65_70 (9_10×7) 10 hours a day EVERY DAY of the week.
I told my wife how grueling it would be, and she tried convincing me by saying I must sacrifice for our child and she would do all the child care and house work and I wouldn't have to do anything around the house. Even without any housework, it is still very extreme but I reluctantly agreed because I felt like I had no choice.
So it happened, my wife resigned from her job (company policy, if you don't come back you get replaced). I picked up the extra hours, my day starts by going to the gym at 5AM (it is the only thing keeping me sane) and then I would work from 7-5 and get home at 5:30, absolutely spent and I just want to take a shower and rest.
During the first month or so my wife kept her word and took care of all the house work but then she started expecting me to help her around the house but I would remind her of our agreement and she would look annoyed but move on and do it herself.
Two days ago she told that she is tired and wants me to make dinner and I flat out refused and told her she is breaking her promise and I made it very clear that she shouldn't expect ANYTHING from me when it come to house work.
She looked furious but she got up and made dinner and since then she has been giving me the silence treatment. I'm full of anger and resentment right now at first she got me taking 25 more hours a week and now she is breaking her promise and trying to manipulate me by giving the silent treatment, I'm losing my mind.
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the marital dynamic.
awfulcrowded117 wrote:
You need to talk to your wife. You're both filling up with resentment and it will destroy your marriage at this rate. You two need to revisit the deal, and if she can't handle the current situation, then you need to revisit her going back to work.
Maybe she can find something part time, 2-3 days a week, so the kid doesn't have to go to daycare everyday and you don't have to work 70 hours a week and she doesn't have to do 100% of the housework. Have the hard conversation. So NTA for sticking to the original agreement, but if you don't sit down and have the hard conversation you will be TA for that.
Guilty_Strategy2151 wrote:
It sounds to me like she underestimated just how much work goes into being a stay at home mom, as well as how exhausting you working to cover for lost income would be. I think you both need to sit down and clear the air when it comes to grievances or your built up resentment toward each other is going to tank your relationship.
I would suggest she look into wfh or a part time job to help monetarily, so that you’re able to cut back some hours and help around the house. NTA.
facinationstreet wrote:
Your wife FAFO. A decision to quit is NOT a decision she gets to make without a 100% agreement by you. She decided to do it anyway and she decided on the terms of the agreement. You are keeping up your part of the bargain by working 65 - 70 hours a week. If she wants something more equal, she needs to go back to work. NTA.
lurninandlurkin wrote:
NTA. This was always going to end badly, you both made an agreement and while you disagreed originally, your wife disagrees now. So if your wife would like to change the terms, then its time to discuss changing all the terms, not just you picking up extra housework so, sit down and have a conversation.
Modern life isn't easy on a single income any more and being on a single income will also affect how long you have to work until you both get to retire and, how comfortable your retirement will be. Time to put all options back in the table and work out a better plan moving forward.
Lazy-Instruction-600 wrote:
NTA. You aren’t working a 9-5 job and refusing to help out. You are working absolutely grueling hours in a manual labor job. Not only that, you both sat down and discussed this in advance.
This is not a surprise that you are exhausted from work and barely have time to shovel some food in your mouth before you have to go to bed and get up and do it all over again, just to keep a roof over your head, food on the table, and bills paid.
She may feel like she is in the same boat with the 24 hour responsibilities of caring for your child and the house but, THAT IS WHAT SHE WILLINGLY AGREED TO, so she wouldn’t have to send your child to daycare. If she doesn’t like the arrangement, she can find a daycare, enroll your child, and go back to work. She should not be taking her poor decisions out on you.