"AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to my estranged father who abandoned me as a child?"
"AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to my estranged father who abandoned me as a child?"
I (28F) was raised by my mom after my dad walked out on us when I was 5. He left to start a new family and had little to no contact with me growing up. He never paid child support or even called on birthdays or holidays.
For years, I struggled with feelings of abandonment, but I eventually moved on and built a life without him. Fast forward to now—out of the blue, I get a call from his wife telling me my father is very sick and needs a kidney transplant.
She told me that I’m the best match and begged me to get tested. Apparently, his other family members aren’t compatible. I told her no. I don’t owe him anything after the way he treated me. He made his choices when he abandoned me and my mom, and I feel no obligation to put myself through a major surgery for someone who’s essentially a stranger to me.
Since then, I’ve been bombarded with messages from his side of the family, calling me selfish and heartless. They say I’m letting him die out of spite and that I need to “be the bigger person.”
Even my mom thinks I should consider it, not for him, but to avoid carrying guilt if he passes away. I don’t feel guilty. I feel like he’s reaping what he sowed, but part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh. AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to the father who abandoned me?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
blablablaparrot wrote:
Call the hospital and inform them that you are being pressured to donate your kidney. Hospitals take this very seriously. Keep your mother away for now as she is adding to this pressure.
“Since then, I’ve been bombarded with messages from his side of the family, calling me selfish and heartless.” Block Block Block. NTA.
Separate-Parfait426 wrote:
Agree to be tested, tell the person who is testing you that you do not want to donate, and they then tell his family that you are not a match (without disclosing that you refuse to donate).
One way to get his family to leave you alone. You are right in not donating. There may be somebody in the future, who you actually love, who needs a kidney, and if you donate to your dad, the person who you love might pass.
winneractive9414 wrote:
There is some health risk to you with the transplant and it leaves you with only one kidney. Why should you risk this for someone who gave you nothing. He can go on the wait-list like everyone else. You owe him nothing. NTA.
Kaiserbugone wrote:
I am a dialysis nurse. Children donating kidneys to parents is a bad idea. You may carry a genetic predisposition for renal failure, as passed down by your father. Too much risk for your own renal failure, especially if you are already down 50% renal function after donating a kidney.
I have never understood the selfishness of parents or family that are willing to sacrifice a child’s health (even an adult child), for a parent. Especially when dialysis (peritoneal or hemodialysis) is available.
FoxySlyOldStoaty wrote:
It feels like it should be rage bait. Whenever you get an angry missive just reply to each asking to see 23 years’ worth of messages from them to your father where they chewed him out for never paying child support or having any contact with you. Have that message ready to copy + paste to each of these wankers.
If they reply with anything other than 23 years’ worth of messages from them to your father where they chewed him out for never paying child support or having any contact with you, explain they’ll have one opportunity before being blocked.
NTA.
pixie-ann wrote:
NTA you don’t owe ANYONE a kidney. Donating an organ comes with considerable risk and it’s not something to be undertaken lightly. You could go through with the testing and apparently (so I’ve been told) part of the process involves the medical team asking if you’re being coerced into donating.
If you say yes then they’ll tell everyone you are not compatible, even if you are. Your family might leave you alone if that’s the case. Make sure you aren’t out of pocket for costs for tests. I wouldn’t trust these grubs to pay you back. Either way, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your Dad and his minions are truly awful.
2dogslife wrote:
Wife can donate her kidney, as can any of his family members that don't match, and the PTB (powers that be) will play a game of dos-e-do so that a match is found for your bio-dad while someone else who matches the donated kidney gets their match. It's pretty standard stuff.
NTA. Also, who's to say you would actually be a match, maybe you're a match to your mom or someone else? I mean, the guaranteed way to get them off your back is to go and get "tested" and tell the person you are there under duress, and they will announce you are not a match. We could say, this is karma coming to bite him in the a--s for being such a shi--y father.
Allittssomearse wrote:
As someone who works in this space I think you have two options either hold your own and put up with the bombarding etc OR say yes okay I’ll talk to the doctors and get tested.
Then you tell them that you’re being harassed and you don’t want to donate and they’ll say you’re not a match. Also (and I know how this sounds) as a woman of child bearing age they don’t like to use your kidneys because you’ll need it for breeding.