So, I (21F) feel like I’m losing my mind here and need to know if I’m totally out of line. My family has always had this unspoken “golden child” vs. “problem child” dynamic. My older sibling (26) is the golden child—straight-A student, great job, married, basically the poster child for success. Then there’s me: the one who didn’t follow the "perfect plan."
I’m in college and working part-time while figuring out what I want to do with my life, but apparently, that’s not good enough for my parents. Every family dinner turns into them grilling me about when I’m going to “get my life together” or why I can’t be more like my sibling. Meanwhile, they’re praising my sibling for, like, breathing.
The final straw was last week. We were at dinner, and my mom straight-up said, “It’s just so disappointing that you’re not living up to your potential.” I tried to laugh it off, but it hurt. Then my dad chimed in with, “Well, maybe if you spent less time on your phone and more time thinking about your future, you’d get somewhere.”
I snapped. I told them I’m doing the best I can and that it’s hard enough without feeling like a failure every time I see them. My mom rolled her eyes and said, “We’re only hard on you because we care,” which feels like the biggest cop-out ever. So, I told them I’m done coming to family dinners if they’re just going to use me as their punching bag.
Now they’re acting like I’m the one being dramatic and immature. My sibling even texted me saying I’m making things awkward and should just “let it go” because “they’re just trying to help.” But I don’t think constantly comparing me to my sibling and putting me down is helpful. I just wanted to enjoy dinner without feeling like a disappointment.
KellyM14 wrote:
NTA it’s messed up that people think that criticism is the only way to motivate people. Also I wanted to make sure you know that it’s incredibly impressive that you’re attending college AND working that is really hard.
EnchantedBerryGlows wrote:
You’re NTA. It’s completely valid to set boundaries when your family is being consistently disrespectful and hurtful. You’re doing the best you can, and being constantly compared to your sibling and criticized isn’t helpful, especially when you’re just trying to figure things out.
Your parents should support you, not make you feel like a failure. You’re allowed to stand up for yourself and protect your mental health by taking a break from these family dinners. It’s not dramatic or immature; it’s about your well-being.
KarayanLucine wrote:
Six months. Do not talk to them for six months. If you back up your words with action they will learn to shut up. They "know" they are right. Let them stew. The first words you speak after that is if they ever do it again, one year. Try a dinner. Just do the year when they do it. Hell, this will help your mental health a ton. No sibling either. He does not tell them to shut up. He needs a time out as well. NTA.
thornynhorny wrote:
NTA. Start criticizing them back? Why aren't you living up to your potential?
-Must be because you prioritized my sibling, not me..
-Dunno, you raised me? What did you do wrong?
-Not sure, guess i'm ending up more like you guys than my sister.
Etc.
Minimum-Award4U wrote:
NTA - I know you told them it bothers you, but I’m not sure they’re listening. You can try and have a calm conversation with them, without your sibling around and see how that goes. But your relationship with can’t be fixed if they’re not listening/trying.
Maybe talk to a therapist about strategies to use to better the conversation with them, help them understand that they are alienating you and not helping you with their criticisms. At some point though, you have to take care of your mental health and that might mean limiting contact.
enkilelee wrote:
Your parents are b-llies. Tell them you are sorry they feel like they failed as parents, so you'll let them cut their losses and move on. You are only 21 and not a pre-programmed. You just figure out who you are and what you want from life without their negative noise.
grayblue_grrl wrote:
You know what happens when the scapegoat leaves the dynamic?
The family finds a new scapegoat. And that may even be the "golden child." The golden child always wants you there so they don't have to deal with the insanity PERSONALLY. The longer you stay away, the longer your sister will experience their need to control and ab-se.
Stay away from all of them, block them all. Do not communicate. Pick a time period...3 months, 6, next Christmas...whatever. At that time, unblock. Text everyone and let them know that you have considered the situation and decided that your life is very peaceful without them in it, so they can decide to be in your life in peace, or not at all.
It would help if you were able to find a counselor at the college maybe, within that time frame. Learn skills. You'll be better able to set boundaries and enforce them. As well as realizing why they do what they are doing to you. Good luck. NTA.
No_Text_4500 wrote:
I'm so sorry. Nta. That is so unbelievably damaging. I believe in you. I'll be your mom. YOURE THE BEST! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR GOING TO COLLEGE, GETTING ACCEPTED CAN BE DIFFICULT! Your test scores were fabulous. ✨️just like you✨️ Love you. I see you're on your phone often!
Maybe look into a social media career! My husband works for a (very well known, sports related) company who has an entire section just for socials!!!! ♡ you've got this ♡ -new mom, cause yours is rude.