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'AITA for refusing when my friend wanted to join my fiance and I on our first trip together?' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for refusing when my friend wanted to join my fiance and I on our first trip together?' UPDATED 2X


Everyone has to grow a spine eventually, otherwise their life will be an endless series of annoying errands and events they didn't want to commit to in the first place.

"AITA for refusing when my friend wanted to join my fiance and I on our first trip together?"

I (22F) and my fiance (23M) are going on our first trip together. I'm really excited as this is my first time on a plane, and even leaving the state I've lived in my whole life. We've been planning for this trip since earlier this year, and we've gotten our tickets as well as accommodations.

All together, we've already spent about $4500 USD on everything, which has been something we've been saving for as we're both college students. Our trip is in about a month, and in comes my friend, we'll call her Ashley (22F), who's been my friend for about a year.

She'd brought up going to Japan as well, kind of jokingly, when we told her about the trip. I didn't think she was serious, but then she brought it up a few more times, even saying that she had a family member she could stay with. She asked if she could spend some time during the days joining us on our adventures while this family member was at work.

I was supportive of this idea, as I know this would be her first time to Japan as well, and I care about her. However, all of a sudden, she told me she wanted to get the tickets, but her family member no longer would have space for her to stay. She wants to know if she can stay in our accommodations and join us on our flight back home.

I let her know that our accommodation has strict rules against having more than 2 people, and there's only one small bed in this studio. She said she'd be fine sleeping anywhere on the floor or couch, etc. I told her that I'd feel more comfortable if we didn't chance a fee or getting in trouble in general, as I really just want a comfortable stay.

I told her that we're still willing to spend time with her during the day, and I began sending her accommodations in her budget. I was hoping this would be enough. Instead, she's just asking if we can cancel our accommodations and pay for larger accommodations that can have a bed for her as well.

Mind you, she's not saying she will help us pay for the more expensive accommodation or anything else for that matter. She simply just wants to stay with us and for us to pay for a different accommodation. It seems like no matter what I say, she just keeps trying to manipulate me into letting her stay with us.

This is also hard cause I know my fiance and I really wanted this to be a romantic trip for us both, as we likely won't be able to afford another for a few years as we finish school. I'm just stuck on what to say or do, and if I'm the asshole here. Should I be okay with my friend staying in our accommodation and joining in on our trip?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Update/ Note: As I'm reading the comments, there's a lot saying that I should be upfront about it being a romantic trip. When I first told her about the trip, I did tell her this is basically going to be our honeymoon. I may have said it jokingly to her, but I did mean it. My fiance and I have been talking about going to Japan since we got together 8 years ago.

I thought this honeymoon comment as well as me bringing up activities like making our anniversary cake at a shop in Kyoto - clearly set the tone in which I planned this trip to be. I do agree that I should re-clarify that this is a romantic trip, but I feel uneasy that she'd receive this well, as she's shut down all my logical reasons.

I was hesitant when she brought up spending some time with us, but I thought maybe it was just something nice to do? I get that's a romantic trip, but my fiance was fine with it and supported her coming along on some of the more normal things like going to Universal, since it was only going to be a few days of our trip (like 4 out of the 30+ days we'll be there) that she'd want to be with us.

She originally said she'd only be in Japan a week, and she'd only need to be with us while her family members at work from 7am-5pm ish. But now, things have changed, and she's saying it could be longer.

I do have trouble with boundaries, and I always want to be the one helping people out when I can, which doesn't seem to work out for me, I'm working on it. But, as she has been pushing for the last few hours no matter what I say, I've been getting more upset. I just didn't know if I was being selfish towards a friend in need. Now, I can definitely see that this was probably the plan all along, and she isn't in a tight spot.

She just wants to use us. This realization does hurt as I thought we had gotten really close in our shared major, but I guess she really doesn't care about my feelings like I care about hers cause ultimately I just didn't want to hurt her. She recently got dropped out of our major, so I thought she was just really sad and needed a pick me up.

The comments came rushing in.

Gladtobealive2020 wrote:

NTA. But you will be if you allow her to go. This was to be a romantic trip for you and your bf. She invited herself claiming she had someone she could stay with. This was probably false all along and she waited until the last minute to ask if she could stay with you, thinking she could guilt you into it.

Then when you told her no she wanted you to pay for a larger accommodation so she could stay, but she offered you no money. Chances are she also has no money for accommodations or food and planned to mooch of you and your bf on all your sightseeing and meals. Just tell her no. You are not willing for her to join at all, maybe sometime. in the future but this is just a trip for you and your bf.

Low_Ruin1991 wrote:

Being an adult is learning to say No to entitled people.

introspectiveliar wrote:

NTA. But this is a no-brainer. You aren’t being honest with her. Stop using accommodations as an excuse and tell her the truth: This is your first trip with your fiancé. The two of you have planned it carefully for just the two of you. Your plans are final. They cannot be changed. You look forward to traveling with her in the future. But not on this trip.

If she was truly a close friend she would have had the good sense not to try and force herself on you. You haven’t known her very long at all. You may just now be seeing the real her. If she doesn’t drop the subject immediately, then drop her. She is an acquaintance, not a friend.

CrankyWife wrote:

"Ashley, it seems like a lot of things you were counting on for this trip are falling through. I think you'd better try again later when things line up for you. Fiance and I will be taking this couples trip without you."


Snoozeberry91 wrote:

NTA. This is a chance for you and your fiance to take a once in a lifetime trip together. Travelling to Japan is expensive. If you share accommodation, you would be giving up a lot of privacy you and your fiance would have. Personally I wouldn't have included Ashley in any of my plans, though that's just me.

Your trip would go from a romantic getaway for you and your fiance. To a group trip with, You, Ashley and your fiance. Be straight up with her. Tell her after careful thought, you've decided you and your fiance don't want to share accommodation as you want your privacy. That you will still hangout with her for a couple of days. Though she will have to get her own accommodation.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

UPDATE: I ended up refusing for the 10th time but told her no bluntly and as clearly as possible. As you guys have said, "no" was a sentence used. I also made sure to say that I wasn't down with changing anything and that I want to spend time with only my fiance. That I've been trying to nicely say no, but I don't appreciate getting manipulated nor having my partners and I's feelings ignored.

She said, "we've been talking about this trip for so long. Why didn't we just work it out earlier? It's not my fault that this is last minute. Why won't you just do this one? It's not much different, but there's an extra bed. " and sent me a link to a specific accommodation.

(Where the 2 beds are side by side just BTW, I'm weirded out.) She basically ignored what I said, so I have ignored her since. We're in the same friend group, so I think it's probably going to get weird. But honestly, I'm okay with that.

Regardless of how that goes, my fiance and I will be going alone and not meeting up her or anyone anywhere during our trip. I'm going to work on the saying no thing and setting harder boundaries. I just had an abusive upbringing, and I'm still working on it all. I keep needing to remind myself that I'm not in that place anymore.

The internet did not hold back.

MatataKakiba wrote:

This was a good opportunity for OP to learn how to say no. It still wasn't effective, but close enough. Well, I guess saying "Ashley, this is a romantic trip, we'll do romantic stuff, then we'll f- eachother's brains out, and we prefer not having company" would have been a bit much for OP to say.

two_lemons wrote:

You know this is the type of person that would say something crazy like "oh, don't worry about me, I'm a deep sleeper."

IllustriousComplex6 wrote:

I had a friend like Ashley, she would just force her way into invites or would just take other people's things even if they said no.

'Had' is the key word here. Everything will be better when they're gone, I promise.

randallbabbage wrote:

Lol and I bet the new place was more money, none of which she was willing to pitch it. She doesn't seem to be the kind of girl that enjoys being the 3rd wheel, which means she will prob try to get you to ditch your bf and do shit with her. I'm glad you put your foot down.

FriesWithShakeBooty wrote:

OP better polish that spine. My early 20s were a time when a lot of people were still overly concerned about being nice. Some, if not all, of the mutuals will tell her she is a bad friend.

Drop those people, too.

Remarkable-Youth-504 wrote:

True freeloaders, as opposed to opportunistic freeloaders, are a different beast altogether. In your first interaction with one you almost always come up short.

Sources: Reddit
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