'AITA for refusing to hang out less with my brothers because of my stepsister?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for refusing to hang out less with my brothers because of my stepsister?"

I (18F) am the youngest of four siblings. I have three older brothers Michael (28M), John (27M), and Chris (25M). Our mother passed away when I was 8, and since then, my father (53M) and my brothers have been quite protective of me.

I had father-daughter date nights with my dad and movie nights with my brothers, among other things. I think that was their way of making sure I didn’t feel lonely. Last year, my father got married to Melissa (45F).

She, with her daughter Ashley (18F) moved in with us. I always got the sense that Ashley didn’t like me. She would talk to my dad and my brothers but she never talked to me. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she would answer curtly and then walk away. I never understood why, or if I did something to her, but after a few weeks of trying to get along with her without success, I gave up.

We were civil to each other and that was enough. My brothers were also on the fence about her. She keeps insisting to be invited to our movie nights, but she would always demand to see a movie she liked even if none of us liked it, and she kept trying to cuddle with my brothers which they find uncomfortable and weird because they don’t really know her.

Chris actually told her to knock it off because he didn’t like that she was so touchy with him. Recently I had my 18th birthday, It was fun and low-key and I got wonderful gifts. The next day Ashley came to me and told me that it was unfair that my brothers’ gifts to me were better than their gifts to her for her birthday last June.

For context my brothers EACH gave her a $200 give card to different stores so she can buy what she liked, because they didn’t really know her. They gave her gifts to be civil. My brothers got me a personalized perfume, a signed copy of an entire book series that I’ve been obsessed about lately, and a personalized planner with messages and quotes on each page.

I will admit that they put more thoughts into my gifts but I think it’s fair since they don’t really know her. But then Ashley started crying saying that I always got everything and she got nothing and she then demanded I stop hanging out with them and said that if I didn’t hang out with my brothers so much, then they would pay more attention to her.

She also wanted me to tell them to treat her like they treated me because she was also their sister now. I told her that I won’t force my brothers to do something they didn’t like.

She insisted that I call my brothers right that moment, to tell them that I would hang out less with them and that they should get Ashley better gifts. I refused. Apparently she told her friends and cousins, because I've been getting messages from them telling me I'm a spoiled, selfish kid, so I'm second guessing myself. So, AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

rhinoregrets wrote:

NTA. Why is your stepsister so concerned with having a good relationship with your brothers but not you? I find that behaviour so weird. I don't like to jump to conclusions but this need to get along with your brothers and being jealous of the relationship you have with them screams insecure to me.

She's practically a stranger to all of you, over time the relationship between all of you should naturally develop but she cant be expected to be treated like a sister already especially when she is so cold towards you.

I'm pretty sure your brothers pick up on that and it'll only make them like her less. Your stepsis needs to back way off. I don't even want to start with the fact that she tried to cuddle with your brothers, thats a whole other story.

Frankensteins_kid wrote:

NTA .What the hell is wrong with Ashley? She's acting weird and low-key creepy. Your brothers don't owe her any affection or gifts. Being jealous of their affection for you is weird. Trying to 'bond' with your adult stepbrothers by cuddling with them is weird.

Crying on your birthday and demanding that your brothers ditch you for her... is weird. Sounds like she's trying to take your place in your sibling dynamic. Or weirder, she has crushes on your brothers and is jealous that they're not paying attention to her. Whichever is still bad.

initial-company3926 wrote:

NTA. You grew up with your brothers, and you have a close relationship. Ashley is unknown. I really think you all need to have a family meeting, because this can spiral out of control. It actually already IS spiraling out of control.

If you hold the meeting show them the messages and tell them what Ashley demanded.

Do not lessen your time with your brothers just because she said so. They love you and would be hurt by it.

AnonTimTam wrote:

She is probably embellishing the story to her friends/cousins if they are messaging you in such a nasty way, so don't let them gaslight you (assuming your account of this is accurate). If she wrote what you are explaining she would sound like a cr-k head.

I would bring this up with your brothers and father and ask them to mediate. Don't let misunderstandings fester between you and the people you actually care about. NTA.

FitorFat-1999 wrote:

Ashley is quite the pick-me girl, isn't she? And her behavior towards your brothers is not in the least sisterly. She's irrationally jealous of the closeness you all have which cannot be duplicated on demand and is not likely to happen at all since your brothers are grown men and you and Ashley are young adults (though Ashley sounds immature).

I too would loop in your brothers and dad on this. If I were one of your brothers I'd be really pissed. (Are your brothers good-looking? That could be a factor). NTA.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

Hello! Thank everyone who has commented and messaged me. Your suggestions and advices are really appreciated. I did post it in the comments, but for those who didn't see it, I did tell my brothers and father about what Ashley did and my father said he would talk to Melissa first and they would talk to Ashley the next day. The day after I told my dad, we all had a talk.

Contrary to what we all thought, Ashley didn't even deny it. She just basically repeated what she told me (she sounds like a broken recording at this point). My dad told her that while he understands that she might feel excluded because my brothers and I were so close, demanding that I spend less time with my brothers and bullying me through her friends and relatives were so wrong.

Melissa started talking, apologizing for what Ashley did. She said she knows it was wrong but she was hoping that we all could forgive her because she's just having a hard time with the changes in her life. Michael pointed out that they did want a good relationship with her at first, but if this is how she was gonna treat me, she could just forget it.

All my brothers also opened up about how they were so uncomfortable with her trying to be so touchy with them. My father suggested therapy but Ashley refused and started screaming. At this point I think my father had enough and said that she should go to therapy and work out her issues or she wouldn't be living in his house. That shut us all up.

Melissa asked my dad if he was serious and he said yes. He said he loved her and he was concerned about Ashley, but he won't allow his daughter to be bullied in his own house. Ashley looked really shocked. She would be going to a local college and she planned to stay at home so she could save rent so this must have bothered her a lot.

She started blaming me and started to walk towards me and tried to grab me, but all my brothers got between us. John coldly told her that while our father was trying to be kind, that he would do no such thing, and if she touched me, he would throw her in jail faster than she could blink. He's a lawyer, so Ashley knows that this was not an empty threat. She backed off and walked to her room and slammed the door.

The next day, Ashley went to therapy. I don't know if Melissa forced her or if she just didn't want to be kicked out, but oh well, at least she's going. She's been ignoring us this past few days, which is completely fine with me. As for my brothers. The day Ashley started therapy, she also started texting them, playing the pity card, but they all blocked her. As for me, I am doing very well.

This whole fiasco kinda made us all forget that I'm going away to college in a few days and now my father and brothers are kind of acting frantic and in mother hen modes LOL. I don't know if this was the update you all expected, this is a VERY summarized version and if you have more questions I'd be happy to answer them in the comments. Thank you all so much.

People were invested in the update.

[deleted] wrote:

THANKS FOR THE UPDATE. Her behavior is very disturbing. She sounds like she might be a narc-ssist. I would read up on them, they are destructive and dangerous.

Anoncommenter2 wrote:

I honestly don't think this will end well, she does NOT want to fix things, she is only going to therapy because she is forced to, not because she sees that her behavior is wrong, sooner or later she will explode against you for "stealing her family". Your father and siblings are on your side and that is the important thing, although your father is dragging out the divorce because he knows there is no solution.

Three weeks later, OP shared another update.

For context I 18F, am the youngest of three siblings. I have three brothers, 28M, 27M, and 25M. Our mom passed away when I was 8. Last year my dad (53M) married Melissa (45F) and she and her daughter from a previous marriage, Ashley (18F) came to live with my dad and me.

Barely a month ago, I actually made a post here, because Ashley was hysterically forcing me to stop hanging out with my brothers because she wanted them to pay more attention to her.

She blames me for everything and repeatedly told me that I was preventing her from bonding with my brothers. We all sat down and talked, Ashley went to therapy, and I went to college, but I know she still despises me. Now to the current issue. A little bit over a month ago, I turned 18. My maternal grandparents gave me a family heirloom. It was a pair of diamond earrings.

It used to belong to my mother, but since she was unable to give it to me, my grandmother held on to it until my 18th birthday. I keep it in a locked drawer in my room. Yesterday Ashley and Melissa went to a wedding. I knew because Melissa made a Facebook post. I didn’t think much of it but in one of her posts, I saw Ashley wearing a pair of very familiar earrings.

I know it’s bad to accuse people without proof, but I just immediately knew that those were my earrings. I called my dad and my brothers and informed them and went home. I called Melissa and told her about the situation, but she didn’t quite believe me because Ashley had told her that she borrowed the earrings from one of her friends.

When I got home, I saw that the drawer had been busted open and my earrings were gone. We checked the security camera in the hallway (I had one installed because of previous events), and it did show Ashley going into my room and then coming out a few minutes later. I was a bit frantic.

My dad called Ashley and demanded that she returned my earrings. She denied it at first, but when he told her that we had video footage, she began to get defensive, saying that she just borrowed them and that I wasn’t using them anyway.

She then blocked my dad and Melissa wasn’t answering her phone either. I was debating whether to go to the wedding that instant, when my brothers, who were quite fed up with Ashley at this point, told me that we should go to the police station and file a report for theft.

I was quite reluctant at first but then I remembered that those earrings were something my mother had left for me and she had taken it without asking permission. We went to the station and filed a report and showed them the security footage.

This morning, Ashley was taken to the police station for questioning. Ashley and Melissa are still at the station, and I’ve been getting calls and texts from her relatives that I was dramatic and that I shamed their family because a lot of the guests who were staying at the hotel saw the authorities.

The internet did not hold back.

Separate_Match_918 wrote:

I agree with this. There are soft boundaries that are hard to enforce and then there are locked drawers. Also, diamond earrings are so easily faked that stealing something with such sentimental value for an aesthetic really concerns me about what type of person she is and will be in the future.

In terms of pressing charges, I'd encourage you to not be reactive, take a step back and think about it, then do whatever feels right to you. Right now you are righting a wrong, you have a chance to overdo it or under do it. Either way this is a situation she didn't have to put you in, but did. Therefore, I think she deserves whatever you dole out.

squirrelsareevil2479 wrote:

NTA. Ashley is a nightmare and needs to learn there are consequences for theft. She stole from you. Tell any relatives that say you shamed the family by reporting the theft, that Ashley shamed the family by being a common thief. Tell them once and then block all communication.

You should have a serious talk with Dad about whether or not he is going to allow Ashley to remain in the family home. Don't get talked into dropping charges. Please update when this concludes. I'm sorry you're going through this.

JoslynEmilia wrote:

NTA! How else were you supposed to resolve the issue when Ashley was blocking people and Melissa wasn’t answering her phone? Ashley is a thief and it didn’t sound like she or her mother were in a hurry to give back your earrings. Let’s not forget that Ashley literally broke a drawer to get your earrings.

Do you at least have the earrings now? With Ashley’s behavior it’s easy to believe those earrings would’ve ended up missing and you would’ve never got them back without involving law enforcement.

Positive-Corner-3082 wrote:

NTA she broke into a locked drawer to take them, lied about it and then blocked the calls. She stole from you something that was very important sentimentally. She is now experiencing the consequences of those actions. Maybe she will learn something from it but no matter what, you have clearly defined your boundaries which is important. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you about this.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

Hi everyone! It has been a few days since my last post. My original post got locked and I wasn’t gonna update, but I received so many message asking for one, and telling me I could post the update on my profile, so here it goes. A lot happened so to anyone still reading this, buckle up, this will be quite long.

First of all, the question everyone has been asking, yes, I did get my earrings back. They are now in a safer place. Next, I don’t know all the specifics in the legal side of things, since my brother handled most of it but here are the details: The earrings cost quite a bit (apparently my grandparents had it certified and they had all the documents), and so Ashley was in quite a bit of trouble.

(Some of you are going to say I’m making this up or I’m lying, but I don’t have a COMPLETE understanding of how the legal system works, so I’m mostly saying what my dad and brother explained to me.)

I don’t know what happened, but because a) she had just turned 18, b)it was her first offense and c)the earrings were returned, she was given leniency and was given community service and had to pay a fine. This will also be on her record. This is alright with me to be honest. I wanted her to know that actions have consequences, but I don’t want to ruin her whole life.

At least now she knows that she can’t just do whatever she wants. My father, who was at the station, told me that Ashley was kicking and screaming the whole time, at first she stuck to her story that she borrowed it from her friend, but the authorities showed her the video evidence, and plus the fact that she could not name a “friend” whom she supposedly borrowed the earrings from.

Also, the earrings were in a personalized engraved box, which she had with her. She also honest to god (as my dad said) tried to run away while the officers were talking to her and bit the officer that tried to stop her. So she had to spend the night at that little jail at the station until she apologized. I’ll be honest and say this entertained me a lot. Yes, it’s bad to laugh at other people’s misfortunes, but hey, I’m only human.

Melissa (Dad’s wife) told us that she was extremely disappointed in all of us. She said she knows that what Ashley did was in a grey area (her words), but that we could have waited until she returned it and not escalate things. My brother (the eldest) then asked her that if she didn’t want us to escalate things, then why did she end the call and stopped answering her phone that night.

She had no answer to this and just keep repeatedly saying that we should make considerations for family. She even added that Ashley looked pretty in the earrings and that diamonds should be used and should not be just locked up in a drawer. This leads me to believe that she knew Ashley took my earrings from the very start, and just let it be. Sadly I have no way to prove this.

My dad is divorcing her. They had a prenup, so I don’t think she’s getting much and I hope this will be settled quickly. Ashley has been messaging me mean things, just her usual spiel. I did not block her but I don’t read the messages. We are planning to use this for a restraining order against her, since we all believe that she might try to contact us again.

As of now, they are out of the house. Melissa is still asking my dad to reconsider. Dad said that he can’t have a thief live in his house and that no matter what his children are his first priority, and he feels that Ashley is a danger to me and my brothers. Melissa tried to contact me and my brothers but we have all blocked her.

This has become quite a circus, and I sincerely hope that this whole thing is coming to an end. I hope this is my last post here. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and messaged me asking about my well-being. I truly appreciate it and I'm very thankful for all the advice and well wishes.

Not long after posting, OP added another short update.

EDIT: I received a few messages asking if Ashley didn't know that there was a camera in the hallway. I don't know, but I never explicitly told her "Hey there is a security camera in here." But, they are in plain view and are not hidden and I don't see how anybody could mistake them for anything else?

A few people also asked why there was a security camera in the first place. A few years back, our neighborhood had multiple b-rglaries. During this time, I was often home alone from the time I got home from school to the time my dad would arrive from work. My father and brothers got a bit overprotective and had them installed.

They were never taken down. After my first post in AITA, a lot of people messaged me and advised me to be cautious, because Ashley might try to steal something (well, they were right) so I double checked that they were working. Thank you to everyone messaging me, asking about our well-being. And also thank you for all your advice. I truly appreciate it!

The internet continued to add their hot takes.

Hentaimaster69420bl wrote:

I'm glad your father is divorcing Melissa and good on him for having signed a pre-nup that means Melissa would only get back what she brought into the marriage which is most likely her and Ashley's belongings.

Also, I would show your father and brother the messages you received from Ashley's side of the family to see if you can file a har-ssment lawsuit because they are definitely gonna up their har--sment now that your father is divorcing Melissa.

Also, inform your college security about Melissa and Ashley just in case they try something there. I also have a question: where is Ashley's bio dad in all of this?

Did he pass or is he not in the picture? If I was your family I'd look into the bio dad to see if Ashley's behavior was always this crazy. That could help you in this case, sorry for the long comment, your situation is insane there is something definitely wrong with their side of the family if they think this behavior is okay.

PassionEducational29 wrote:

Hey! It seems like it's finally getting resolved, and hopefully, things will settle down. But I don't want to be the paranoid one here. I think this isn't over, and you should take some steps to protect yourself.

Definitely tell friends and family the situation (make sure they don't tell Ashley or Melissa where you are. Especially for a "reconciliation")

Lock down your social media for the time being

Let your college know the situation and that they aren't allowed near you

Share your location with family should anything happen

I'm not sure if you're allowed pepper spray or if you want to carry one. There's little key/phone chains with a loud panic alarm attached that you could carry around with you if that's more comfortable.

Know how to defend yourself

But anyways, these are just things to keep in mind. Ashley's behavior is absolutely unhinged, nor is it normal. It doesn't help that her mom keeps enabling her. There's been a lot of stories where the situation escalated! Please just stay safe and keep an eye open.

KindaSpiteful87 wrote:

You my sweet summer child, are so lucky to have such loving family. Your dad has done an amazing job and is a shining example of what a man should truly be. I am sorry that it feels like your world is crazy right now but I'm glad you understand that NONE of this was your fault.

People who do sh--ty things like to shift the blame but the fact is, both of these women are scum. I can say this because when my parents just THOUGHT/ASSUMED that I stole my mom's earrings (which were not worth anything) they kicked me out of the house.

Not a joke, not an exaggeration. I got the call from them acc-sing me of stealing her diamond earrings, and was told that I was no longer allowed on their property. And they were my bio-parents... so Melissa's reaction was horse sh-znit. Your father's response was perfect and honestly, in my opinion, every mother's dream response.

I genuinely hope that the father of my children would also respond the same way to protect them from evil step-mom and stepsister issues, but I couldn't guarantee it. Your dad however, is the hero we crazy anxiety driven mother's day dream about, lol. I am proud of you, your father, and your brothers. Blessed be to you all!