'AITA for refusing to help my dad's ex-wife with rent after his passing? She's struggling.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for refusing to help my dad's ex-wife with rent after his passing, even though she is struggling and my half-brother is still a minor?"

So here’s the situation. My dad passed away 3.5 years ago when my half-brother was 11 years old. My dad and his ex-wife had been separated for about 5 years before his passing, but they weren’t legally divorced.

During that time, they didn’t really have much contact, and she didn’t join any family gatherings or events. Even during the funeral, she wasn’t there where my aunt, my grandma, and I (32F) were, and I didn’t have a close relationship with her.

My dad was also struggling financially and he didn't left anything behind apart from a small boat he had purchased in my name, which I sold and put the money aside for my brother’s future and started paying towards his needs such as education fees and monthly allowances for him.

My dad had still been supporting my half-brother’s mom financially, even though they weren’t living together, and I only had to communicate with her a few times after his passing about my brother's expenses.

Here’s where things get tricky: my aunt has been paying the rent for my dad’s ex-wife and my half-brother for the past 3.5 years, as my dad’s ex-wife claims to be struggling financially. She works full time but also receives a pension through my dad. Now, the landlord wants them to move out, and my aunt, who has been helping with rent all this time, is not in a position to pay for the rent in the future apartment.

My dad’s ex-wife is now asking me for help with rent, claiming she’s still struggling. I’m honestly conflicted. I don’t have a strong relationship with her, and I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to help her out with rent, especially when I’m already helping my brother.

I’ve made it clear that I can’t help with the rent, but she’s persistent and threatening me to tell my brother that I'm this bad sister who is not helping him out with their housing situation and she told me if I'm not helping her out with rent, I shouldn't act like a good sister and help out on anything else as well.

I feel like it’s not fair that I should take on this burden when I’m already looking out for my brother’s well-being, and especially when my aunt has already been helping her all this time. My primary focus is on my brother’s future, and I just don’t want to take on any more responsibilities that aren’t my own.

I also want to mention that while my dad financially supported my dad’s ex-wife when they were separated, their relationship was strained, and I never felt close to her. I’m struggling with whether I’m being unreasonable for not helping her, even though she’s in a tough situation. So, AITA for not wanting to help her out with rent, even though she’s claiming that she is struggling?

People had a lot of thoughts to share about the situation.

DesertSong-LaLa wrote:

NTA - She is a manipulative person and really unkind threatening you with ill words and access to your step brother.

The bigger question is why does she not have enough money.

She receives your dad's pension and she will qualify for money for your brother through social security (if in USA) unless your dad is not on the birth certificate. What did this women save in the past 3.5 years when her rent was being paid? If you help her never give her money directly.

Before you pay a cent she needs to sign up for all and any social support services (e.g. subsidized housing, utility assistance, food stamps (nutritional assistance), free wi-fi, free health care). If she tells you she was denied she needs to provide the rejection correspondence. If she is receiving help she can work with a social worker re: budgeting and show you a full account of incoming cash vs bills.

She will threaten you through your step brother no matter what you do even if you help. If you do pay a bill she provides her account # and company name so you pay it directly. This may not be advice you wanted but there is a lot to manage re: her 'ask'. In the meantime, negotiate how you can spend time with your brother.

Convey to him and ensure he has your contact info, in the event she cuts you off. Best to you.

*If you pay a utility bill ensure there is no local law that states once you pay, you are not responsible for this debt. In the US there are a few states that have this stipulation.

OP responded:

Thanks a lot for the advice. Unfortunately they are not based in the US and all she is entitled to is my dad's pension which is not that much. According to what she told me, her income is around 3 minimum wages in the country she is living in.

According to my research she should be able to afford a decent apartment in a nearby neighborhood to my brother's school should cost her around 1 min. wage and she should be able to afford her living expenses with the remaining.

However she is claiming that to get a decent apartment, she needs to pay half of her income and she can't afford her living expenses with the rest and she wants me to pay the difference on what she can afford and what is decent for her.

I have lived in a different country for a while now and am able to see my brother maybe once a year. I care about him deeply and it concerns me that she would turn him against me however I don't want to help an adult with their rent which is the most basic thing that they should take care about.

Anxious-Routine-5526 wrote:

NTA. She has a full-time job and a pension, you've been paying for your half-brother, and your aunt has been paying her rent for the last 3 years. So where is her money going? With all that assistance for so long, even with housing being expensive, she should be able to rent somewhere, even if she needs a roomie. Keep putting away for your brother, but don't give her a dime otherwise.

dryadduinath wrote:

This grown woman is not related to you, she certainly is not your dependent, she is manipulative and selfish regarding you and her son, she’s had free rent for years (?) and she has two sources of income. Do not give her money. NTA.

TW-00 wrote:

NTA. If she has a pension and income from a full time job she hasn't had to use because others have been paying everything for her, then she has the money to take care of this. The only way she wouldn't would be if she was gambling or making extra or unnecessary purchases.

I would say talk to your brother because she does sound like someone who would twist the story. Is there anyway for you or your aunt to house him for a little bit at least until she runs out of juice?

OP responded:

I agree with this completely. Things are not easy in my home country they are living in due to high inflation and increasing cost of living and I believe she is not earning much to live an easy life however a lot of my friends are able to afford housing for themselves.

She was living rent free all these years and was using my dad for many years before that for all her expenses even though he also struggled. She just needs to cut off on whatever extra things she is spending her money on and live a life that she is able to afford. I live in a different country now and it would be a last resort for me to take my brother here if needed since it would be a very complicated process.

My aunt believes that she did all she can to help them out for my brother's sake and it would be very hard for her to have him living with her as well. I am just sad about the possibility that my brother is feeling all these financial struggles and faces a drop in his standard of life at such a young age and I don't believe he has a good support system.

unabashed_nuance wrote:

NTA. You owe her nothing. Take care of your sibling but the reason she’s “struggling” is because that excuse has worked for her thus far. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and she’s taking her shot at you to see if you’ll be her benefactor. If no one helps her she’ll magically find a way the same as my ex wife does when I don’t give her extra money when she asks.

After receiving a good deal of feedback, OP shared a small update.

Thank you, everyone, for supporting my decision! I'm overwhelmed by the support I’ve received. I just want to provide a bit more context about the countries involved without going into too much detail.

I'm originally from a Middle Eastern country and moved to Europe a couple of years ago to work under better conditions. My brother and his mom still live in my home country. Things have been tough there, just like everywhere else, and she is not the only one struggling. In our culture, families help each other out.

However, even though my family loves my brother and has done everything to support him, we feel like she is using us at this point, and I don’t want to give in to her manipulation. My mom was a single parent who worked two jobs to provide me with housing and all my needs until I was able to provide for myself, so her attitude is really frustrating me even more.

As some of you suggested, I don’t want to help her with budget planning or finding a new apartment because I’m afraid that if I help her even a little, she’ll keep asking for more. I also think she wants to maintain an expensive lifestyle. She isn’t into drugs or gambling, as far as I know, but she does spend a lot on luxury cosmetics, branded clothes, and even some botox and similar treatments.

Regarding taking my brother to live with me, it would be very complicated due to visa processes, but if things get worse, I will do everything in my power to arrange that. I told her that life is tough for everyone, I’m in no position to pay rent, and I’m not going to send her any money from my brother’s account for her rent because he will need it more in the future.

It is her responsibility to find somewhere to live within her budget. I also told her I don’t want her to contact me ever again about anything related to this topic, as I don’t believe it is my responsibility to help her. She was shameless enough to say that she didn’t want the full rent, just my share that I "had" to support for my brother's sake.

I will send my brother a text message in a couple of days, letting him know that I love him, I'm always there for him, and he can reach out to me personally whenever he wants. I'm also considering giving him a debit card. She has until the end of this month to leave the current apartment, and I’m waiting to see how things will unfold.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Over the weekend, I realized I was blocked on socials by the ex-wife and also my brother removed me as well. I reached out to my brother directly because I wanted to make sure he knew that none of this was his fault and that I will always be there for him.

I didn’t want to say anything that could damage his relationship with his mom, but I needed him to know that I did nothing against him and that he can always reach out to me.

To my relief, he responded right away and reassured me that he has no hard feelings toward me at all. He already knew that a lot of what his mom told him wasn’t true and even said he was actually happy about the decision I made. He told me that if he were in my position, he would have done the same thing.

One of the most upsetting parts of our conversation was when he admitted that he never liked asking me for money through his mom because it made him feel like a beggar, but she insisted on it. He also told me that she had been looking for an apartment way beyond her budget and had been trying to collect money from different people to afford it, which confirmed my suspicions.

I also learned that now they found an apartment within whatever budget she has. What really broke my heart was when he said he needed to delete our messages because his mom sometimes checks his phone, and if she found out we talked, she would be very upset with him.

It made me realize just how much control she has over him. I reassured him that the money I was sending for him is still his, kept safely with me, and that when he needs anything, I will find a way to help him—but it won’t be through his mom anymore.

He understood and seemed relieved. He also told me that he’s already thinking about his future carefully and wants to choose a profession where he can be financially independent, so he never has to worry about money. Honestly, I was happily surprised by how mature and self-aware he is for a 15-year-old.

Despite everything, he’s handling the situation with so much understanding and perspective, and it makes me even prouder to be his sister. For now, I will keep in touch with him privately to make sure he knows he is not alone. I told him that when he grows up, I’ll be there to support him, especially for things like university. He knows that no matter what happens, I will always have his back.

Edit: I'm not giving him a debit card or anything as clearly he doesn't need and want it. I will save the money for his future.

The internet was all ears for the update.

Cubadog22 wrote:

I noticed in your first update on your original post that you were thinking about giving him a debit card. I would NOT do that given how his mother likely goes through his things and would use it for her own purposes. Keep supporting him. You are being a great big sister!

OP responded:

Oh yes I'm definitely not doing this. Apparently she has the means to support my brother and he never wanted my money since he started high school. She was making him ask for his monthly allowance from me every month. Honestly I didn't mind paying that but now that she doesn't want it, I will save it for his future when he will need it more.

blvr1013 wrote:

If possible, have him download the messaging app Signal, try to get his friends to use it as a cover so she doesn’t get suspicious (Any contact in your phone with the app will appear as an option to text in the app).

Signal allows you to set disappearing messages, so in an emergency you guys can communicate and the message would get deleted in whatever time frame he sets up. Good on you for reaching out and also impressed at how mature he is. Best of luck to you both.

SignificantEcho79 wrote:

Good on you. He only has three years before he can legally leave. If he still wants out at that point that money can help him break free. Interestingly enough one of the pieces of advice women get when making a plan to leave an ab-se partner is to stash money somewhere their partner won’t find it.

That way they can break free and go somewhere, hopefully, out of their partners reach. If she does have a lot of control over his life and is manipulative it might be a good idea for him to start making a similar plan of escape. People they like to control and manipulate others don’t like letting their victims go.

vt2022cam wrote:

Wow- thanks for the update. She’s trying to use him to live beyond her means and guilting you all. I’m glad you’re helping him, and he responded. He, seems very mature for his age and it’s good he has you. I assume his mother will make things difficult when he graduates and will need help when he’s 18.