'AITA for refusing to help a girl in gym unless she stops recording me?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to help a girl in gym unless she stops recording me?"
I (41M) go to the gym early morning around 5.30am. There are generally very few people that come to the gym at that time. There is a girl (early 20s) that also comes to the gym at the same time. We always say hello to each other and have a small talk between our sets. She comes in early because the gym is empty, and she likes to record herself working out as she wants to be a fitness influencer or something.
She seems dedicated and we know each other for at least a year. Today morning, as I was working out, she came to me and asked for help. She was very excited and told me that she wanted to go for a PR on barbell squat. She asked me if I could spot her as she was not confident if she would be able to do it. I said ok as this is not the most uncommon thing.
For people who are unfamiliar, this is an exercise where you carry a barbell with weights on your back and perform a squat. The spotter has to stand behind the person and support the person in case they fail to get up. As she was getting ready, I saw her phone in the corner and asked her if I can be off-camera or if she can stop recording.
She said she really wanted to record herself doing it, and I will look good on camera. I told her that I really do not want to be on camera as my wife or coworkers may watch the video if she posts it online and may not look good for me.
Another reason that I did not tell her was that she was wearing a very revealing outfit (small sports bra and tight shorts) and I really did not feel comfortable being recorded standing behind her. She promised me that she will record it for herself, and not post the video. However, I just did not want to be recorded.
I told her that I really feel uncomfortable, and if she waits for 30 minutes, one of the trainers may be able to help her. She became really upset and asked me why I am making the situation weird. She accused me of s-xualizing her. She asked me if she was a man, would I have done it?
I felt she had a point as I have done it for other people. I told her that I would be ok doing it, but I just don't want to be recorded doing it. She again went on a rant about me body shaming her and me being uncomfortable with her perfectly fine outfit.
I felt bad that I upset her as she was just trying to workout. I have also asked people to spot me in past, and people always helped. However, I just did not want to be recorded. Am I the AH to refuse to spot her because she was recording it? I don't want her to feel that it was because of her clothes, or because she is a girl.
However, as a married man, I need to observe some boundaries and really don't want to be recorded in that way with a girl half my age. I am also worried that she recorded our whole conversation and may post it online. I do not know what I should do in this situation and am a bit worried.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
ashleydawn419 wrote:
NTA. People who are pointing out the line of how you think it would look inappropriate if a coworker or wife saw you aren’t familiar with lifting. If she reached failure it would absolutely look bad on you, because people don’t understand what spotting and having to assist with squats looks like.
OP responded:
That was exactly what went thru my mind. Plus, who knows what commentary someone can put on top of those videos to make it go viral.
Jyqm wrote:
NTA.
"She became really upset and asked me why I am making the situation weird."
She is the one who made it weird by not immediately responding to your request to turn the camera off with, "Oh, sure, no problem."
"I felt bad that I upset her as she was just trying to workout."
No she wasn't! She was trying to record a video for her social media followers. Moreover, she initially tried to involve you in this surreptitiously, without your permission, then pitched a fit when you declined. The only thing you did wrong was explaining to her why you didn't want to be recorded. You didn't owe her any such explanation. "I don't want to be recorded" is a complete sentence.
LoudCrickets72 wrote:
NTA, it's perfectly valid for you to not want to be recorded. Even if she says she wouldn't post it, who knows if she really won't. Plus, context does matter. Being a 41-year-old man seen "helping" a pretty girl half your age, wearing revealing clothing, could easily be interpreted the wrong way.
Your true intentions don't matter because at the end of the day, men are just viewed as pigs in the eyes of the world. You did yourself a favor by not feeding a possible narrative anyone could pin on you. As far as the conversation being recorded, I don't see how that could be damning.
I can't see what would motivate her to post that conversation, but let's say she did, did you say anything that could be incriminating? Not wanting to be recorded is a perfectly valid demand. And I think most people with basic common sense would understand why you wouldn't want to be recorded helping some hot little 20-something fitness girl.
ConsistentCheesecake wrote:
NTA. In the future I wouldn’t tell her (or anyone else who makes a similar request) all these reasons why not—I would simply say that you don’t want to be recorded and that’s it. Although it sounds like you didn’t actually make it about her body and outfit, and she just said that stuff anyway? Regardless I would keep it simple: you don’t want to be recorded. I would refuse too!
A few weeks later, OP shared an update.
I did not think it will blow up so much, that my wife got this story on her Tiktok. What happened after was pretty unexpected and my life is a bit absurd right now.
I was worried that she would post our conversation about me refusing her help online and show me as the bad guy. I told my wife about the conversation, and she said that she has seen posts where young girls do add nasty voiceovers and make men my age look like creeps for views.
My wife told me that I should just complain to the gym management about her for recording me without my consent, just to get ahead of things. When I went to the gym next week, I saw her again. I tried to keep my distance, but she kept on smiling at me.
As I finished my sets, she came to me and asked me if we could talk. She wanted to apologize for her behavior from the previous day and how it was wrong of her to assume that I would be ok with her recording me. It was a pleasant surprise, as I was not expecting that. I told her that it was ok, and I just don't like to be recorded in general.
She followed me outside and continued the conversation. She asked me how long I have been working out and I could advice her on her form. I told her that there are some really good personal trainers in the gym I could recommend to her, but she told me that she is fun-employed and cannot afford them. She told me she will buy me a coffee if I can give her some pointers.
At this point, I felt I was just being rude and told her sure and we went to a nearby coffee shop. Her name is Haley. She graduated last year, moved back to her mom's house and is looking for a job. She was very chubby last year and wants to look like the Tiktok fitness models and is trying hard to get in shape. We had a nice conversation, and I was able to help her with some of her questions.
She already knew my name and asked me if my wife would be ok if she follows me on Instagram. I told her that the main purpose of that account is for my wife to spy on my friend's lives, so I generally don't use it. She asked me if I use Snapchat and I had to remind her that I am twice her age. This is where it got crazy. When I came home, I told my wife about what happened.
My wife loves her Reels and Tiktok and wanted to see if she ever posted the video from previous week. I only knew that her first name was Haley and how she looked and told my wife about it. When I came back from work in the evening, my wife was already home and sitting on the sofa. She was grinning ear-to-ear and told me to immediately sit next to her.
Apparently, this girl had been posing about me and calling me her gym crush for the last two months. My face is blurred out in all the videos. A lot of videos were her sitting in her car every morning and making up completely fictional romantic stories about our interactions. Each video had like 100+ likes, which my wife says is not a lot, but feels like a lot.
She had posted some videos of us just passing each other and smiling, or our conversation where I was telling her to stop recording, with voiceover about how I approached her in the gym and complimented her body. There was a video from that morning about her coming to me while I was packing up, with her saying how I asked her out for a coffee.
She is just making up fictional romantic BS for getting likes, and people were commenting and cheering for her. There were also other videos of her working out and posing in the gym locker room. My wife was laughing uncontrollably about how big of a sucker I am and how I am internet famous now.
I told her this needs to stop, but my wife insisted that she is too invested in the drama now and wants to see what happens next. She said that this girl is really young, and just trying to establish herself and get more followers. Plus, she has not done anything inappropriate and is not showing my face in the videos.
My wife just wants me to play along and see what crazy Haley does next. So, for the last two weeks, I have been going to the gym, talking to her every day and my wife keeps me updated on what story she came up with for the day. We go for a coffee every Wednesday and I am mentoring her about nutrition and what she should focus on, to the best of my abilities.
It's all a game for my wife, and I do want Haley to succeed as long as she does not cross a line. However, the whole thing feels really crazy, and I am too old to deal with this. I am not sure how long I can keep up with the act. Her behavior seems innocent, but also, I am getting a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing now.
The comments kept coming.
Agitated_Strength574 wrote:
This is crazy! It sounds very entertaining but it sounds like playing with fire. Even if she is using this to get followers, this girl still has a crush on you. Her making up stories and all of that is still just too delusional, people do this in their heads all the time. There is no telling how much of this she believes vs just for followers, but she could believe 100% of what she is saying on TikTok.
Does she not know you are married? Where's the the ring? It seems scummy of her if she does know.
The number of ways this could go wrong far outweighs the entertainment. You're also too deep for it not to go badly in some form.
She could end up roasting you or making up fake s-x stories or ab-se stories, who knows, she is already making stuff up! Also never forget there are crazies out there. Obviously the chances are extremely low of her doing something insane, but it still makes me think of the movie Fatal Attraction.
OP responded:
Yes. She knows I am married. I wear my ring in the gym, and also I talk about my wife all the time to her. I also feel it's a bit weird for a 22-year-old person to make up stories. My wife feels she is just using me as an NPC in her fiction to gain more viewers and create drama.
We discussed it, and she told me about how some girls just make up stories about bad first dates on Tiktok as it gets them a lot of views. My wife feels it's weird, but I need to see the humor in this situation. At least its entertaining and she wants to know where her story goes next.
waywardsaison wrote:
If this is real, both you and your wife are stupid for indulging her. Anyway, I will look forward to the stalking saga of Haley, a story that could have been avoided had anyone involved stopped and thought about what fresh hell stringing along a delusional woman with stalker tendencies could entail.
I'm torn on the next update being a fake assault charge and OP spent a night in the clink, OP finds himself in a situation where he just has to sleep with with Haley because his wife is invested in her unhinged Instagram, or OP's wife and Haley are secret lovers and have been planning this to gaslight OP.
virtualchoirboy wrote:
So, she's outright slandering you and you don't have a problem with it? Do yourself a favor. Get a voice activated recorder for those Wednesday coffee sessions. I'd also consider using it in the gym for when you interact. Not that you're going to post it.
It's for when the gym decides to kick you out after you turn her down for something inappropriate and she uses the tale to prove to them that you've been approaching her...
Sweet_Cauliflower459 wrote:
Well I don't believe this is real. But if it's real good luck on the fallout when your friends / family / coworkers come across her feed and recognize you and word gets out that you are a cheating scumbag who is cheating on your wife with a little girl. If this is real you and your wife are freaking idiots.