'AITA for refusing to help my wife and her friend over what my wife calls a miscommunication?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for refusing to help my wife and her friend anymore over what my wife calls a miscommunication?"

My wife, Emily, has a longtime friend, Leslie, who has recently become a single mother. Leslie does not have a working vehicle at the moment and is working two jobs so Emily took it upon herself to help Leslie out as much as she can.

Emily had started asking me to help as well in driving Leslie and her kids around, taking them to school/appointments, taking Leslie to the grocery store, etc, whenever Emily or someone else couldn't.

I agreed since it made my wife happy and I understand the kind of situation Leslie is in. Helping has turned into Emily inviting Leslie and her kids over often, or organizing trips that they would like, such as camping or fishing.

A few times my wife was unable to attend these get-togethers she organized due to work and insisted they still take place leaving me to entertain Leslie and her kids on my own. Since I've known of Leslie my entire relationship with my wife I didn't think too much about this.

The times that it has been me left with her, or sent in Emily's stead to shuttle Leslie around, I've made normal small talk with her and her kids. Recently, Leslie's kids were going to be away for a weekend so Emily wanted to have Leslie over for dinner and some movies. She asked me to text Leslie to ask her over and when I did, Leslie replied with "Just as friends right? I'm not interested in being anyone's girlfriend."

I thought that response was out of left field so I asked her why she'd even say that and her response was pretty much "No guy would be asking me and my kids how we're doing or helping me out unless he wanted something in return."

I told Leslie it wasn’t anything like that and then showed my wife the conversation and informed her I would be stepping back from helping her with anything involving Leslie and to leave me out of any future plans.

I also offered to show her the rest of my phone and anything else. Emily believed me but she still talked to Leslie about it to see what had given her that impression and accordingly, she gave Emily the same answer. A few days later Leslie apologized to Emily and told her that her emotions and mind were just all over because of a down day.

That’s fine but I’m still not willing to help her or my wife out anymore as I had been because I don’t want any repeats or accusations hurled at me when I was helping as my wife asked. Emily thinks I’m overreacting and should just brush it off because it was just a ‘silly miscommunication’ she had on a bad day. AITA?

Additional info: The text I sent Leslie about the night was "Emily wants to know if you'd like to come over for dinner and some movies on Saturday". That's why her response was so out of left field. I sent the text because Emily was busy on her phone and wanted to know asap so we could make our weekend plans.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Thanks for all the comments and different perspectives. I'll talk to Emily tonight when we get home about the overhelping and what to do going forward. We are not swingers, Leslie knows my wife is completely monogamous, and while I will be bringing up concerns she's helping too much, this level of help between the two of them has been present for as long as I've known my wife.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Caliel23 wrote:

NTA. Cringe friend. Could have gone a lot worse. Do not help her unless your wife is around.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. To be fair, your wife shouldn't have put you in those positions to begin with. Her friend saying what she did makes me concerned that she was developing feelings for you, which would be completely understandable as she's in a vulnerable place and you were stepping up to help her. If it was me, I'd steer clear and let them do their own thing.

roxywalker wrote:

NTA and your wife is putting your marriage at risk by continuing to ‘entertain’ and ‘assist’ her friend while not realizing that #1, she doesn’t sound like she’s appreciative and #2, she might actually be mental and she’s putting you in the line of fire by asking you to fill in to ‘entertain’ solo and that should never happen. She’s your wife’s friend, not yours.

Her texts to you were definitely out of left field but thank goodness for her battyness because had she said those things to you, your wife definitely wouldn’t have believed you.

The texts however, paint a much clearer picture of her issues and your wife shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss your concerns. Your wife needs reevaluate her friendship and set up firm boundaries for all parties involved because not doing so won’t end well.

_A-Q wrote:

NTA- sounds like Leslie is trying to cause problems In Your marriage so that your wife ends up single as well. It’s probably hard on her to see her friend with a helpful, loving husband such as yourself, while she doesn’t. Be careful around her Op and I would suggest you tell your wife the same. Video cameras or record any interaction With Leslie so she can’t be claiming anything in the future.

MistressKinx wrote:

NTA. I would never be alone with her again, kids or not. The fact that you are married to her friend and she still asked that question is off the wall crazy. She didn't even say, because it would be wrong, you're married to my friend. No she says she isn't looking for a boyfriend. So if you had been interested and she was looking. It takes one false accusation to ruin a life. Be firm, be polite, but do not give in.

Sloppypoopypoppy wrote:

Info - did she apologise to you once the situation was explained to her?

OP responded:

No.

MKAnchor wrote:

NTA. It’s not worth it. I get having a down day, but you don’t take it out on others… especially ones working hard to help you. It’s not worth your mental health or reputation to keep trying with her.

Hot_Box4574 wrote:

NTA but why is your wife so suddenly attached to this woman? If I were Leslie, I'd be wondering more if your wife wants a girlfriend than you.

OP responded:

They've always been attached at the hip. When my wife had surgery for carpal tunnel Leslie kept showing up even when I was home to take care of Emily and the house. Add in that my own sister is similar with some of her close friends I never found their friendship strange.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Thank you all for your input, there's been some good and not-so-good outcomes to this issue. My wife and I had a long conversation after I made my original post. I brought up points from both my perspective and possible points from Leslie's perspective that commentators made to explain the situation and why it had me uneasy enough to step back.

I showed her the post and she eventually relented. Emily decided she would speak with Leslie again to see if her having to leave during a couple of outings or missing one had made Leslie uncomfortable despite Leslie agreeing ahead of time she was fine with Emily leaving/not showing up.

We also discussed the matter of overhelping. In that regard, Emily wanted to keep helping her as she had been because that level of help is normal for them but she would stop asking me to help when she couldn't.

Instead she said she would talk to Leslie about getting the kids' father to help out more now that her ex-fiance was gone. She wound up agreeing I should have received the apology, but since I'm just hands off now, I didn't see the point in pursuing it.

I'm happy to say I have not been volunteered to help or drive since our talk. She continued to help Leslie as she was able for a couple of weeks until things took a negative turn. There were a couple of times neither my wife or Leslie's other friends were able to give her a ride or help her, and she asked Emily where I was that I couldn't do it.

Emily said she told her it was best I didn't to avoid any future misunderstandings. After the fourth time Leslie asked my wife to have me drive her/pick stuff up for her when no one else could, Emily tells me that Leslie started in about how if what she said wasn't true then I wouldn't be avoiding her but I'm acting as if I got rejected.

According to Emily, Leslie started to draw parallels about how I went out of my way to do things for Emily right before we got together and started helping Leslie so that was all the proof Emily should need about me having ulterior motives and after that, she says Leslie devolved into telling Emily she'll wind up being left too.

We have minimized contact with Leslie and Emily told her she needs to do so until/unless Leslie seeks counseling for her break up and stops having a negative outlook on the relationships around her and then they can rebuild their friendship. That has been hard on Emily, so whenever I'm not working, I'm doing what I can to help her get through this. Thank you again for the fresh set of eyes.

Commenters had lots to say in response.

Tfuentexxx wrote:

The sad thing here is that your wife still isn't taking this behavior against you (her husband) as something serious. If the problem of communication had been hers (she finding out and believing you had an affair with her friend) then you would have been in deep trouble, and be true to yourself, she would have gone mental on you and your marriage would have suffered.

However, since nothing 'happened' she's OK with this and your feelings don't seem to matter; and her friend's problems are before yours. She fails to understand these kind of allegations can destroy marriages and can affect you in other environments (job, friends, family). Man, if my wife were as loose on these matters and putting friendship over our marriage and kids, I wouldn't be just hurt, but really pissed.

There are times when men have to put their foot down and stop simping, no matter how much you love your SO. When you don't check your spouse from time to time when they are messing things, they tend to believe they can get away with anything and start to lose respect for you.

Salt_Presentation790 wrote:

Your wife is playing a dangerous game. She's lucky you are a good husband. I hope she opens her eyes one day.

Jethrothemutant wrote:

Fool me once etc! You try to be nice but no you get treated as if you're wanting something in return-S-X!! Well unless she is going to APOLOGIZE to you which she hasn't then tough! If you insult the person who helps you then they won't help you!!!

Prize-Fox_9163 wrote:

Your wife is ridiculous, she's allowing her friend to destroy your marriage.