'AITA for refusing to go on a holiday with my ex-husband and saying no to remarrying him?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to go on a holiday with my ex-husband and saying no to remarrying him?"

I (37F) need some perspective on a situation with my ex-husband, who I'll call "John" (40M). We were married for a good number of years and have two kids, now close to being teenagers. Up until the last year of our marriage, things were going great. I had a successful business that kept me busy, and it seemed like we were a strong team. But then things changed dramatically.

John started to crumble under the pressure and ended up having an emotional affair. To make matters worse, he proposed that we open up our marriage as a solution to his issues. This was completely out of the blue for me, and despite trying to make things work for the sake of our kids, we eventually divorced three years ago.

Interestingly, even after our divorce, he never practiced this new "polygamous" identity he claimed to have adopted. After three years apart, John and I reconnected. He seemed more mature, and I can admit that I still have feelings for him, but my walls are definitely up. We've been seeing each other again for about 7-8 months, but we haven't told the kids yet.

Our plan was to spend some time together as a family this summer and see if things go well. If not, we'd just fade out quietly. Here's where the problem starts, John initially booked a cruise for him and the kids, but then he added a ticket for me as well.

The cruise is during a week when I have important commitments at work. I work for myself and can be flexible, but there are crucial times when I need to be fully available. Additionally, I was really looking forward to having that long weekend off to spend some time to myself and rest.

When I told him I couldn't go, he got upset and accused me of never having time for him, which brought up old wounds. This led to a heated discussion where he suggested we should just move back in together or even remarry, to which I responded with a firm "hell no."

Now, he feels like I'm playing him, but that's not my intention at all. I want to reconcile and see if we can build something new, but I'm very clear that I never want to get married again. AITA for refusing to go on the holiday and being adamant about not wanting to remarry? I'm just trying to protect myself and my kids while seeing if there's a future for us.

Commenters kept it honest.

Adventurous-Sand6711 wrote:

NTA- it sounds like he just wants to go back to what you had, not put in the work to rebuild something new. You can never go back to what you had. Sounds like you two need to have a conversation to see if he is open to rebuilding with the understanding you can’t just go back.

OP responded:

True, I think we need to sat down again. Unfortunately, I am not the same woman as before.

throwawaysadwife123 wrote:

From the instant I read 'John and I reconnected' I knew it was bad news. Why are you doing this to yourself? You think just 3 years is long enough for him to have meaningful change? I think you're seeing it's not and just don't want to admit it yet.

He was selfish getting into an emotional affair, selfish to ask for an open relationship, probably banged whoever he wanted in those 3 years to come back to you. And now he's selfish again booking a holiday that doesn't work for you and then getting mad that you can't go. And then throws marriage at you? This is bonkers OP. RUN you should have stayed gone, no good will come from this.

ShuraPlayz wrote:

NTA, it’s completely understandable that you’re weary about remarrying, you were cheated on after all. As long as your intentions are made clear to your ex, it should be fine. He is being unreasonable asking you to drop everyone for him.

OP responded:

Told him since day one, that unfortunately, I am not looking to remarry. Be together and move in, yes after at least 2 years and the kids agree and are happy about it. I understand that he feels that maybe I am slow on purpose but I am not. Love the guy but I am more cold and pragmatic now.

RealMarokoJin wrote:

NTA. He didn't learn his lesson yet. So he got a lot of pressure leading to that cheating. OK, I see where he comes from even though pressure doesn't give you the right to mess up that bad, he dealt BADLY with it and he sees the consequences of his actions.

Now, instead of learning his lesson, and making sure to compare your schedules to avoid a recurrence of the same old issues leading to your divorce, he went on to book a cruise with total disregard to your schedule. However, it will turn sour for you if you keep being indecisive, not moving on from "seeing each other." This time, you're the one being unfair to yourself.

A month later, OP shared an update.

To make it brief, I had a conversation with John, he was sorry for the way he spoke and arranged a last minute holiday. We touched the subject again of me not wanting to remarry, and he asked me if I was dating and meting another person, a ideally perfect man, would I marry him?

My answer is that probably. That of course sadden him. I reminded him of how badly we managed out marriage and how quickly he wanted out. So why should I fully trust him with vows again? Which he said it was a good point, but he changed and is batter person and will be a better partner.

Something in the way he spoke was a bit off. But did not say anything. We barely saw each other and he barely called and talked to me, kids got their suitcase done and they stayed with him for a week before leaving. I went to stay for an afternoon-night and he asked me if we could talk once the kids were asleep.

He has prostrate cancer and it’s quite early that the doctors put him in some sort of observance period where they wait how it evolves. They are confident in recovering this. He said that he is worrying about the kids and me. He is terrified this will become his death sentence and he knows he is behaving poorly. I don’t think I handled it well, I was kind of speechless and confuse.

This man is someone who eats well, barely drinks and is always outdoor and doing sports. I think I just hug him while he cried and told him everything will be alright. Then I left and just called the kids, he promised he will not say anything to them yet. He will wait later when the doctors will start treatments. Yeah in retrospective I am quite sure I was TA, was I?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Magnificent_Princess wrote:

No, you weren't TA. It's a tough situation, and it sounds like you were caught off guard by his news. You handled it with compassion and understanding, even if you were initially speechless and confused. It's understandable given the circumstances.

mak_zaddy wrote:

You are absolutely NTA. John coming face to face with his mortality and reflecting doesn’t mean you have to give a second chance if YOU don’t want it. Again, there are NAH unless John tries to guilt you into getting married or rushing because of his diagnosis.

gmthisfeller wrote:

NTA. There is a difference between compassion and the emotions needed to create and sustain a marriage. You can indeed show him compassion.

OP responded:

For sure, he is still my person. I felt a bit of an AH once he exploded weeks ago but again I was not aware of this issue and not aware of how much he was effected by it.

TieNervous9815 wrote:

NTA this is tremendous news for anyone. He’s probably viewing his mortality and questioning his life’s choices. But wanting a do over to fix things is not on you or your responsibility to give him another chance unless you want to. I’m also wondering if he’s looking to you to take care of him while he goes through this. Again not your responsibility. You have nothing to feel guilty or sorry for.

OP responded:

Well we have been dating again, but I don’t know. I feel like I understand his stress and confusion. For now it seems very early days and could be going towards a total recovery in a year or so, but I am afraid if he takes this to push my buttons and suddenly I am back to the same position when I was married to him.