'AITA for refusing to do my husband's laundry anymore after he had a go at me after surgery?'

"AITA for refusing to do my husband's laundry anymore after he had a go at me after surgery?"

I had gallbladder removal surgery yesterday, and thankfully all went well. They removed a massive stone and several smaller ones. I even got to take pictures. Coming around from the anesthesia was harder than I'd imagined but the doctor said it was quite normal to feel very tired and groggy afterward, they said this was quite normal.

I was lucky enough to have my surgery in a private hospital funded by the NHS, so my staff was but I still couldn't wait to get home to see my children and sit on my own sofa, in my own house and watch my own TV.

I got home quite tired and sore just before 7pm. The morphine has definitely worn off at this point and I haven't had anymore pain relief so I just want to sit down and relax and take some codeine and give my kids a cuddle. I walk in and the living room looks a mess which was annoying.

But my husband had made sure my pillow was on the sofa like I'd asked for earlier, and it's hard work looking after three kids (10 autistic, 6 & 2), they'd not long finished dinner (take away) and he'd been doing loads of laundry that had piled up since our washer broke and only got fixed the day before. I didn't say anything about it, it's not the end of the world.

I had barely sat down five minutes when my husband turns to me and says,

'Oh I don't mean to have a go at you since you just got home from surgery but can you please STOP putting my football shirts in the dryer since it ruins them, I've told you before they can't go in there!'

I was a bit taken back, like is this really the best time to bring this up?? He even acknowledged that I just got home from surgery!!! And for the record I don't think it's wrong of him to not want his shirts ruined but really?! This is the time you're going to bring it up?! No, 'do you need anything? Do you need any medication? Are you comfortable? ' Nah, just 'my shirts!'.

I don't remember putting them in the washing machine, or the dryer, and I don't remember folding one up when the dryer finished either so all I could say was sorry. I genuinely thought his football shirts were ok to go on the dryer, I absolutely swear I remember him saying last year they could go in and I'm usually pretty good about remembering what can be tumble dried and what can't.

He's made mistakes too, I've told him a few times that our daughters school cardigan shouldn't be tumble dried. He completely ruined one, said he'd replace it and six months later still hasn't replaced it. If you live in the UK I don't need to tell you branded uniform items are not cheap.

I was like, you know what? Do your own f--king laundry then, then if anything gets damaged that's on you. Don't have your stuff ready for work? That's your problem. And don't ever f--king bother asking me to iron anything either. But now I'm lying here at 5AM wondering if I'm just being overly petty for the sake of it? I do most of the laundry as I'm a stay at home mom and he does work all week long. AITA?

The internet did not hold back.

ilovefireengines wrote:

Info: what’s the household chore split like normally? Do you both work the same hours? I’d say NTA because his timing sucked. That he had to preface with acknowledging you had just had surgery shows he knows his timing sucked too, but it doesn’t sound like he said the rest of his request in an offensive way.

Does he often just say what’s in his head rather than wait for a more appropriate time? Could he also be on the spectrum somewhere and that maybe he lacks that awareness? I’m not on the spectrum or diagnosed but if I don’t address something straightaway or write it down I forget to deal with it and then like the shirts for him I would remember at some random time.

I hope you have the kind of relationship that you can convey how you felt being told that without him being defensive. It wasn’t right but it was just poor communication and something he can work on.

The reason I asked for info is that you set the scene with how messy the house was and it sounds like you have more that you want to complain about, not just the comment. The other reason I asked is my husband has been having to do more because I’ve been unavailable this week. Every day he moans about the school run, dinner, not having enough time.

And I think yes I know as that’s usually everything I do, but he never acknowledges that my time is precious too. I suspect maybe you aren’t feeling valued overall, this is the tip of the iceberg and he was being inconsiderate toward you. No criticism of you, you certainly aren’t alone. I hope you are recovering well post op.

OP responded:

I feel like he does try to split the housework evenly. I take on more purely because I am at home with the kids, and he can't exactly do it whilst he's working. I think that's quite reasonable. I do most of the cooking but he will do most of the dishes.

He's not very good at tidying up though, I do feel like I do most of the general tidying, and I don't think he's ever done a proper clean of the bathroom or kitchen or anything. And sometimes he truly means well and starts something but doesn't finish it so then I have to.

I do think be could potentially be on the spectrum, we're almost sure I have ADHD, obviously my eldest is autistic, my best friend is sure she's autistic and is going through the diagnosis process....I think neurodivergent people gravitate towards each other.

Safe-Principle2493 wrote:

Eh, I think you're overreacting a bit. He was just communicating something that you didn't know. Yes, he could have pampered you all night... but I don't think this deserves a boycott.

OP responded:

Oh I'm not arsed about being pampered 😅 I would have at the very least liked to have had time to take my shoes off and taken some painkillers after getting home before he decided to bring it up though.

throwinglobster wrote:

Unpopular opinion but NAH. Or maybe it’s more like a really soft E S H. Was it absolutely the wrong time for your husband to make that comment? Sure. Was he likely frazzled from juggling 3 kiddos, worrying about his wife having surgery, getting them fed, AND trying to make some headway on household chores (sure the living room was a mess but he was clearly churning through laundry)?

Also yes. Sometimes when we’re frazzled and “one more thing” pops up on our annoyance plate, we verbalize it rather than bury it and let it fester and become a bigger issue. Yes there was a better time to, but it was clearly fresh on his mind and likely forgotten later.

We’re not all perfectly on top of our filters all the time, and this is one of those cases where yeah, something minor slipped through, but you could just as easily let it go instead of adding on to everyone’s stress. Mountain out of a molehill and all that.

In the same way he shouldn’t have said it, I think you over-reacted a bit to it, but for largely the same reasons he slipped up to begin with. Stress/frazzled/ trying to recover post surgery. Quantifying who is in the “worst off” headspace to get a pass on being kind of a butt is a bit of an exercise in futility, no?

apothekryptic wrote:

NTA. Your husband picked the WRONG time to bring this up, and his delivery was garbage.

You should be concerned that his biggest concern in your most vulnerable moment is his t-shirts.

Ohms-Way71 wrote:

NTA. You are allowed to react to the self centered, disrespectful way he decided to talk to you about it.

I would talk to him in the morning…

“Listen, your timing was shit last night. I think you know that, or at least I hope that you know that when your wife just gets home from surgery, you should not be bringing up any of her tasks, chores, criticisms or things you think I could do better.

Asking me to keep your football shirts out of the dryer is a reasonable request. One that should be asked for with kindness, gratitude for the fact that someone is doing your laundry, and at the right time.

For example, the next time you throw one in the wash, you say by the way love, could you not put my football shirt in the dryer? It is kind of ruining them and I want to keep them nice. That’s it. Nothing to it. You just have to be willing to not be the one who is the most important in the room. That’s all.

That one statement made me feel unimportant, like all I am good for is doing the f--king chores, and even that I don’t do right. I’m sure that’s not what you meant for me to feel, but the way you did it and your timing brought it on. Please be more respectful in the future. I need to always know that you appreciate me like I appreciate all you do for us in this family” Then let it go.