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'AITA for refusing to have intimacy with my husband after he asked for an open marriage?' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for refusing to have intimacy with my husband after he asked for an open marriage?' UPDATED 2X


It's deeply painful to realize your partner is looking for something different than you.

"WIBTA if I refuse to have intimacy with my husband?"

I won't sugarcoat any words here or make the situation in my favour. I need a very non-biased opinion. Around Mid August of 2019, Me (28F) and My husband (35M) tied a knot between us. He have two kids from his previous marriage. He and his ex wife are co-parenting their kids. I really love the kids.

One of the major factors why I got married with him was kids. I have reasons for that. My father passed when I was 15. My mom wasn't so highly educated, so with that less education qualification, she couldn't provide for me and my other 3 younger brothers all alone. So I started to do part time jobs. I babysat, cleaned people's yard, took out pet's for walk, did assignments of my classmates etc.

I earned really little amount of money with that but it helped my family slightest. When I was 17, I took a food delivery job. One night, around 10-11 I was dropping food at the other side of city. A dr-nk driver hit my cycle and I went into a terrible accident. The driver needed to pay a large fine for that since my condition was very critical.

I had a lot of internal bl-ding and damage. So because of that accident, my doctor confirmed that in future the chances of me getting pregnant is very less, it will be a miracle for me to have my own kid. I was at the lowest part of my life because of that accident. I couldn't go out or do my work on my own. My family took care of me. It took me around 8 months to get well.

At first I didn't mind having a childless life but when I started to notice my friends are having family, I realised the beauty of motherhood. So I started dating guys with kids. My husband was my second bf. We tied knot after we dated for 10 months. When I got married his son was 11 and his daughter was 7. I got along with them well. It took them few months before they started to call me mama by their own.

I left my job to be the stay at home mom for them, honestly I really adore them. I have a good relationship with their bio mom too. After C0VID, we went to Belgium for our 2nd anniversary on 2021. The trip was all good and I remember feeling so loved. The day before we were supposed to come back in our home, he proposed the idea of opening our marriage. If I say I was hurt it'll be a understatement.

I couldn't look in his eyes without feeling hollow and sorrow. I said no multiple times after coming back from the trip but he kept persisting. After couple of weeks I gave up and agreed. He set the terms. I don't remember most of it but few of his terms was never share this information with others, we can't date our exes or friends, no emotional attachment with our partners and always use protection.

In his words, he still loves me. He only opened the marriage because he wanted to gain experience and use it on our marriage. I remember going to sleep all crying and hurt. I gave up on my job to take care of him and the kids yet he yearned for another woman. We became distant.

He noticed that and tried to initiate intimacy with me but I don't feel anything at all. I just lay there until he is done. I also distanced myself from him. The idea of him having intimacy with other woman while being in a marriage with me disgusted me. I couldn't look at him at the same way I used to.

We always have our location on so I could see where he is going. Those used to hurt me a lot until I became completely numb at this point. Now I don't see him as my husband but someone I tied knots with to be a mother. Last year, I told him I wanna start work again. He got defensive kinda? He tried to use a lot reasons to show why can't I work.

When he saw all of his tricks going downhill he pulled the kids in the mess. He knew I have soft spots for his kids. I didn't back down that time. He gave me cold shoulder and went on trip with one of his gf. I applied to be a teacher at my brother's high school. He is the youngest of my all siblings and a sophomore. I am teaching chemistry in his school.

My husband was mad at me for having a job for few months but he gave up. I started to give myself alot times. Since the kids have extra curriculum activities they always don't stay at home. I have a friend circle from high school. I hung out with them every two weeks. I met a guy in my workplace. He is 29 and have three kids with his late wife.

One day I ranted about my whole situation. He showed interest in me after that. He is a nice guy. I went on few dates with him. Nothing physical happened between us. I think I am relying on him for mental support since he is very supportive of me. I haven't felt something like that for a long time in my life. Now few days ago, I went to salon and cut my hair short into shoulder length.

My husband complimented me multiple times that day. The kids went to their grandparent's house for summer vacation. During night, he tried to initiate intimacy. Well I straight up said no for the first time. I think he got taken aback? He had mix of few expressions that I can't put a finger on. He started to use the husband card on me and I put my foot down to say no.

We had a huge argument and he left. I saw his location, he went to one of his girlfriend's place. He didn't contacted me for two days now. Now I am stuck between two thoughts. Even if I don't feel anything towards him he is still my husband. I can't share this with anyone so I need advice on this.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

RndmIntrntStranger wrote:

INFO: Is having children really worth a husband who demanded an open marriage and did not want you to have financial independence?

OP responded:

He wasn't like that from the early days. After lockdown I noticed some changes but didn't pay any attention on that. That time all I wanted was to have a child to raise like my own. Before him I dated another guy with a kid, he was nice but he had alot issues.

Plus I resigned from my previous workplace with my own thoughts. I really wanted to devote myself in the kid's life. It was a mistake but now I have a job which pays me double amount than before. I still love the kids, they are all I could ask in a kid.

Significant-Dot-2260 wrote:

Girl, the marriage was over when he proposed an open marriage. Just divorce, love yourself more. A man who truly loves his life doesn't go outside the marriage for anything. Your husband just wants a stable life at home and someone to watch his kids when they're there, and all his fun with another woman.

He's selfish, get some therapy, divorce, and live your life, and once you heal yourself, you'll be blessed with a man who truly loves only you. Don't waste anymore time and tears on that man.

Blonde2468 wrote:

He’s just another husband who wanted an open marriage for HIS benefit only and not yours. He also didn’t want you to have a job so that you would be financially dependent on him and you would be isolated. This is not your forever person. He’s not.

ComicalChinchilla wrote:

OP - get a divorce please. You’re miserable and your happiness matters, if you don’t leave now he’ll end up leaving you or just breaking your spirit completely. Leave, find someone who appreciates you.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Last night I made a post about my current situation of my marriage and asked for a non-biased view. There almost 300 people who responded and gave me advice. I couldn't respond all of that since I was overwhelmed with alot emotions.

There is few things I want to clarify.

Firstly, I met my husband after my graduation when I was looking for a job. I made things official with him after I had the job. We dated for 10 months before getting married.

Secondly, His ex wife and he were childhood sweetheart who married each other when they were in college. After the birth of their second child, they realised they don't have the same bond so they got divorced and have 50/50 custody.

Thirdly, few people in my previous post asked me to make things official with my coworker. I would do that when I am ready. Currently my mental health isn't in the best position. I am working on it. Plus I can't have intimacy with anyone whom I barely know.

We've been coworkers about almost a year but still I am not ready to make things all good. Lastly, those who are saying I am using sex as a punishment, it's quite opposite. He barely comes home. He is always out with the kids or his girlfriends. I would love to add he doesn't have one but three girlfriend and yes all of them are aware of my existence.

Now to the update. Last night I made a post about the current situation of my marriage with my husband. Asking if i would be the AH if I refuse to have intimacy. He haven't came back in last three days or contacted me. The kids talks with me daily. I had few conversation with their bio mom too (they are over her parent's place).

Honestly I thought he will get over it or won't bother me for a long time, but I was wrong as hell. During lunch, my mom came over to visit me. she asked if everything was okay between me and my husband.

I didn't lie this time and straight up said no. We had a long conversation about my marriage and I was relieved after that. It felt so good after sharing everything with her. I am not ashamed to admit I cried like a kid in her arms while explaining everything.

She stayed with me entire day. She called one of my younger brother (26) and told him everything. If I say he was mad it'll be an understatement. He asked why the hell I suffered that much and scolded me for couple of minutes. With the help of my mom and brother I packed my stuffs. I didn't leave with any of the stuffs he got me.

Most likely we will get a divorce soon. I texted a short message in his number, thanking him for being my husband and I won't be continuing the marriage anymore along with some personal stuffs between us. With the help of my friend and family currently I am finding a lawyer. I don't know how long it'll take me to finally get out of the marriage. I left the house around evening and sent the sms around 7.

After that I muted his number. I also told his ex wife about this and needless to say she was as much shocked as everyone. Because he wasn't like that. She assured me that even after divorce she will let me see the kids. I am really grateful for that part. Divorcing him will be easy since we always had separate accounts. I have little savings.

Before I get on my own feet properly I will be staying with my mom in our old house. I turned off my location before leaving his house but it won't be long until he figures out where am I. He is currently messaging me but I am not strong enough to open them and read them so I haven't responded or read his SMS.

The comments kept coming in.

chimera4n wrote:

Well done! If he gets upset, just remind him that he was the one who ruined the marriage by cheating.

I say cheating, because an open marriage only works if both partners are willing, a one sided open marriage is just cheating.

Bitter-Picture5394 wrote:

Good for you. You deserve a life where you are respected and your feelings validated. You will find true happiness as long as you keep advocating for yourself.

Aziile96 wrote:

He forced you into accepting an open relationship that you did not want. He is openly cheating on you. This is something to discuss with a lawyer. You are in a good position as you have a lot of support…even from the ex-wife.

I don’t know if your husband is going through some crisis, but he absolutely does not respect you. He sounds almost narcissistic which is never good. Please stay safe.

EuphoniusEloquence wrote:

I must say, I will never understand why someone who is monogamous would ever agree to open a relationship in an effort to appease their spouse and save said relationship. It's over the moment they suggest it, and you might as well save yourself the time and pain of trying to work through it and divorce immediately at that point.

WinterFront1431 wrote:

Good for you. Now block his number. There's no reason to talk..if you forgot anything, your brother can deal with it. Tell his ex-wife as well that, when you do see the kids to not let ex be there. Go to therapy lean on family and get out there and date.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hi. It's me again. Thank you for all the support you guys gave on my previous post. I would write everything briefly as my lawyer suggested not to share anything too much. I got a lawyer the day after I left the house. He told me not worry about anything currently. The divorce proceeding started few days ago.

My STBX received the paper and he went ballistics. There was several emotional episode from him. They proceedings will take times to end. At least 90 days. We had a prenuptial agreement before marriage so I won't be getting any of asset. I don't want anything from him plus my payment as a teacher is enough to fend myself. I just want him to get out my life and start everything over again.

Lately he have been massaging me alot, telling me about how he misses my cooking and stuffs. It just weirds me out a lot. So I ignore his SMS and calls. I only talked to him through lawyers. I used to feel trapped in this marriage but now, I feel free a bit. Some relatives from his sides contacted me.

Mostly they are accusing me for letting him have his affairs. In their words, it's my fault that I couldn't tie my husband by side and let him open marriage. His mother sent few of the nasty SMS which I didn't expected from her since she was a woman too. I took screenshots of those. I might sue for har-ssment if anything goes further than just text messages or voicemails.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Actual-Offer-127 wrote:

He misses his bang maid. Stay far away from this guy. He's bad news. He wants you to cook, clean and take care of his kids. He doesn't respect you. Get your divorce. See the kids through his ex-wife and go NC with him. Check out the book "human magnet syndrome". It has very good information on narcissists and codependency.

ETA- did he say just once that he missed you. Missed your presence. Or was it just "I miss your cooking and how you fold my laundry". I feel like that's all very telling on how he feels about you.

OP responded:

It's a very long rant. I didn't even read everything. But basically he missed how I used to cook homemade food for him. He doesn't like stale food so I used to freshly meals for him always. Overall he misses me in his house.

Egal89 wrote:

NTA OP - be proud that you finally put yourself first. You are valuable, and worth to be loved. It doesn’t matter if you can’t bear children, that’s not your personality. You are more than your uterus. I hope you will find someone who loves you for who you are and not for what you can provide (labor, time, chores).

OP responded:

Thank you so much for your kind words. All credit goes to everyone from my previous posts. They helped me to realise what's right and what's wrong.

FEEGLE_FERRETS wrote: all, in any way, ever. I've not had s-x with my partner for over a year due to my disability and pain and if he went elsewhere our relationship would be over, instantly. People don't misbehave because their spouse isn't giving it up in the bedroom, they misbehave because they are low life dogs.

He wants you back because you've gotten away from him and he has to either look after himself or find someone else to do it. Maybe these women don't want him for keeps because they realise he's a poor catch.

readical87 wrote:

Tell his mother: "I know that you will always be on your son's side. Tell me, if it was me who asked for an open marriage and slept around with several men, would you tell him that it was his fault because he could not keep me satisfied?"

Sources: Reddit
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