'AITA for refusing to let my finance's ex give a speech at our wedding? She's a family friend.'

"AITAH for refusing to let my finance's ex give a speech at our wedding?"

My fiance was dating "Katy" for years then they broke it off. She still comes around since she's close to his family. By how much time they had spent together, Katy seems to know my fiance really well.

That didn't bother me at first, but it became an issue when she asked that I let her give a speech at the wedding since she knows him well, and wanted to tell "few funny" stories about him.

I felt extremely uncomfortable and told her I was sorry but it didn't think if was appropriate for her to do that. My FMIL got involved and started lecturing me saying I need to stop being negative and claimed I was making this "about me" (but that's my wedding!)

My fiance is choosing to stay out of it, but the pressure is on me now. I'm being called "oversensitive" and needed to "losses up" as this could be a good opportunity to add more laughter and joy to the event, but to be completely honest on here, I don't want his ex to take any part in our wedding, even if she's a friend of the family and they'd known her since she was a teenager.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

pixie-ann wrote:

NTA everyone here is varying degrees of wanker. Katy should grow a brain, no it’s not appropriate for her to speak at your wedding. MIL needs to BUTT OUT! Husband (wife?) to be needs to grow a damn spine and support you.

I’d be furious with them right now if I were you. Why are they staying out of it? Can they not see that if you’re uncomfortable with their EX-PARTNER speaking at your wedding then it’s just not going to happen?

captcamel wrote:

NTA, but this feels like the beginnings of a fiancee/husband problem. This is your wedding as much as anyone's, if you don't want someone giving a speech that is a totally reasonable boundary. Your fiancee should be defending you in this case, the fact that he isn't is a problem.

What happens when your FMIL/MIL pushes on some other boundary, is he just going to "not take sides" and leave you on your own? What kind of partnership is that? I would put a pause on the wedding until your fiancee gets a spine, and make sure he knows that.

coxtopeacock2023 wrote:

NTA. Usually the best man, moh, even possibly a parent are the ones to give the speeches. Guaranteed the ex will try to give that speech even if you don't "allow" her. I just wouldn't invite her. She seems like drama follows her.

BadBandit1970 wrote:

NTA. Let me guess. FMIL always thought your fiancé and Katy would get married when they grew up. Them breaking up was not part of her plan.Your fiancé needs to grow a pair and tell your FMIL to mind her own damn business.

Or he better have a damn good explanation for you why he thinks Katy should have any involvement in your wedding other than a guest. Honestly, I would say you marrying him is going to determine on how he handles this. Think about it.

FMIL has such a hard on for Katy, what next? You have kids and FMIL demands that Katy be an aunt? You're on a slippery slope. If you're OK with FMIL and Katy calling the shots, and your fiancé making you the scapegoat for the rest of your life, then let go of that rope and slide on down that slope. If not, you got some issues to sort out.

fascinationstreet wrote:

You had better think long and hard as to whether you actually want to marry into this shit show. It is easier to break up than it is to divorce.

Aukwardotter wrote:

NTA. You don't have a Fiance's ex problem. You don't have a MIL problem. Yet. You have a fiance problem, right now. He's happy to leave you under the bus to deal with it while he sticks his head in the sand. It doesn't matter that she's a family friend, why is she even going to the wedding? It doesn't matter that she's a family friend, they're not together anymore for a reason.

He needs to be reminded that this is your wedding (both yours) and that starting your marriage off with past-relationship drama and/or your MIL disrespecting boundaries is a disaster waiting to happen. Talk to him and put his feet to the fire to get this under control, now.

Mtngirl60 wrote:

NTA. But as somebody old enough to be your grandmother, I want to point out one thing to you. You don’t have a mother-in-law problem. You have a fiancé problem. And please take a moment to let that sink in. And I hope you will read the rest of this and not just freeze up when you see what I said. I’ve been through a lot in my life, so I’m gonna give you some pointers here.

This is going to be a little long, but I’m trying to cover your bases for you so that when you bump into this ever changing rotation of main characters that want to use syrup your wedding, you know what to do. So I hope you will read it. Yes, your MIL is far too involved here. It is absolutely your wedding. You and your fiancé. Not his mom’s, and certainly not his ex’s.

And no, it is not appropriate for her to even ask. Because we all know that her wanting to tell a few funny stories means she just wants to show everyone there that she is still involved here and that she knows his best. That’s what this bulls--t’s all about. That’s why you’re uneasy about it. That’s why you don’t want to happen. That’s why MIL is pushing for it to happen.

So the first thing I’m gonna tell you is that you don’t have to listen to either Katie or MIL. You really don’t. You can literally just say. Well, that’s an interesting POV. Thanks for sharing, But that’s going to be a hard pass. And then if they keep going on and you’re on the phone. You just tell them and you’re most cheerful and carefree voice. No matter how hard it is for you to muster up that voice…

Well, since I already answered that, and since that seems to be the only thing you wanna talk about, I’m gonna have to run. So we’ll talk later, but it’s still a no.

And then you hang up the phone immediately. You do not allow the conversation to continue. You don’t entertain their nonsense.

You don’t let them know that it’s upsetting you. You just always say, whether it is in person or on the phone or in an email or a text or whatever. Well, that certainly an interesting way to look at things. But it’s still a no. So I’m gonna go now. And you log off the email. You close the chat. You hang up. If you’re in the room with them, you turn around and walk away.

If they happen to actually be at your house, you literally say. Well, since we’ve already discussed this, and that seems to be all there was, I do have some other things to do, so it’s probably time for you to head out. And you start walking to the door and open it for them. Making it very clear that you’re asking them to leave. Again, you don’t let them see that this upsets you.

You’re just very matter of fact that you have some things to do. That you’ve already discussed this and the answer has not changed. And that you’re not going to continue discussing it. Now that we’ve handled how you’re going to handle all these incidents that Katie and your MIL are manufacturing in order to try to get their way at your wedding. We need to talk about your fiancé.

The first thing you need to know is that your fiancé is not stuck in the middle. Not at all. By not choosing you, he is making a choice. He should be shutting this down immediately. So there’s one of a couple things going on here. The first is that he kinda likes being fussed over by all these women.

He kinda likes being the center of attention, although he will never say so. So what he will do instead is pretend that he doesn’t notice what’s going on and act all innocent when you bring it up to him. And he will do nothing. What I kind of feel like is happening here is that his mom is the kind who rules everything until she gets what she wants.

And that family has just found it easier to let her get away with it. And that this is the dynamic, as unhealthy as it is, that your husband has grown up with. So it is just easier to ask you to roll over and swallow your pride and let your special day be ruined by very unreasonable people that it is for him to step up with his shiny spine and tell them to cut this s--t out.

This is because this is all he knows. Inside, he knows it’s wrong. Inside, he knows they are both being unreasonable. Inside, he knows he should be backing you up immediately and shutting them down in no uncertain terms.

So you need to take a look at your whole relationship here. If he is unwilling to go to therapy and learn how to deal with these effects from a very unhealthy family dynamic, you are right now looking at your future. If you reflect on your relationship, do you see that more than once you have been asked to just suck it up to make his life easier.

Because otherwise he would have to stand up to his mom. And because you love him, you’ve done this multiple times. Whether it was about the wedding itself. Your address. The venue. Who was going to be in the wedding. Or maybe about where you guys were going to spend the holiday. With his family or your family.

About a weekend you guys were planning away and suddenly his mom already had plans and you were asked to just suck it up and go with Mom’s plans. That sort of thing. Really reflect on your relationship and find out if this is actually been going on longer than you have realized, and you’re only now really seen it because this is such an important event.

Because again, if you realize this has been going on, and he still isn’t standing up for you, and he doesn’t get therapy to learn that it is not only healthy, but it is reasonable to set boundaries and consequences for family. You are looking down the barrel of the rest of your life. Where you are always going to be second.

His mom is always going to be first. Where he is going to tell you time again that he just doesn’t know what to do because he feels caught in the middle and doesn’t want to choose. All without realizing that he is choosing. He is choosing mom over the person that he supposedly wants to spend his life with. So if nothing changes, you are essentially marrying his mom AND him.

I’m not telling you to break up with him. I’m not telling you to call off the wedding. I’m not telling you. He’s a bad person.

I’m telling you that you are correct that Katie should not be involved in your wedding in anyway.

I’m telling you that you are correct to feel upset with all this pressure. And I am telling you that you need to take your rose colored glasses off and look logically at what is going on, what has gone on, and what you are going to need to have happen in order to move forward. Because believe me, in situations like this, love is absolutely not enough.