'AITA for refusing to let my girlfriend bring her dog’s ashes on vacation?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for refusing to let my girlfriend bring her dead dog’s ashes on vacation?"

My girlfriend (29F) and I (28M) have been together for four months. She had a dog that passed a few months before we met. I have only ever spent the night at her place (I live with my sister and her two kids, so it’s a little chaotic at my place). GF has a small (2-3 inches tall) urn on her bedside table with the dog’s ashes.

Before she turns off her lamp to go to sleep, she always gives it a little tap on the top and says “Goodnight”, as though she is talking to the dog. I think it’s weird, but I have never said anything. We were supposed to go away for the weekend. On Friday, I was watching her pack, and noticed she took the urn and put it in the top pocket of her backpack.

I asked what she was doing. She said she didn’t want to “leave the dog behind." I told her she was not allowed to bring the urn as it made me very uncomfortable. I didn’t want to see it anytime we returned to our hotel room. I didn’t want her talking to her dead dog after we’ve had s-x (ie: before we go to sleep).

It’s weird, and frankly, she’s been mourning this dog for too long. She didn’t argue. She simply started to unpack her bag. She told me to have fun on the weekend getaway, as she would not be coming. I asked if she was seriously choosing a dog’s ashes over me. She said she was choosing herself over me, as I could have spoken to her with kindness and empathy, but didn’t.

She also said that I didn’t get to dictate how long she’s allowed to grieve. Then she asked me to leave. She hasn’t replied to my texts. I think she’s overreacting. My sister said she can see both of our sides. Am I an AH for thinking my gf is weird for being so attached to her dog’s ashes?

Not long after posting, OP shared a clarifying edit.

Edit 1: the hotel was non-refundable and only a three hour drive, so I went on the trip without her.

Edit 2: she started seeing a psychologist around the same time we started dating; she hasn’t told me any specifics, but she said the trauma of suddenly losing her dog brought to the surface other trauma in her past. This is why I think she has been mourning for too long. She is still attached to the dog, even after seeing a professional on a regular basis for several months.

The comments quickly rushed in.

Crimson_Knight_004 wrote:

"She didn’t argue. She simply started to unpack her bag. She told me to have fun on the weekend getaway, as she would not be coming. I asked if she was seriously choosing a dog’s ashes over me."

"She said she was choosing herself over me, as I could have spoken to her with kindness and empathy, but didn’t. She also said that I didn’t get to dictate how long she’s allowed to grieve. Then she asked me to leave."

Your girlfriend (well, ex-girlfriend most likely) sounds amazing. I wish she was my friend because she sounds like an awesome person to know. Sounds like you lost that privilege by being an AH.

YTA - Everything she said was 1000% correct. I don’t even have anything to add because she spoke for herself so clearly. The fact that you still don’t get it shows you have a fundamental problem actually hearing her. Read and reread what she said until you get it.

EDIT: You do realize your second edit makes it worse, right? She’s working with a psychologist. She’s going at a pace that’s healthy and comfortable for her and she has a professional to help her with that.

You don’t get to decide what’s “too long” for anyone else’s trauma or grief. How dare you think otherwise. If you can’t keep yourself from butting into her personal affairs like this, then you aren’t ready for a real relationship.

mdthomas wrote:

"I told her she was not allowed to bring the urn as it made me very uncomfortable."

You don't get to control her actions. You only control your own actions.

"It’s weird, and frankly, she’s been mourning this dog for too long."

So what is the appropriate amount of time to grieve?

"She didn’t argue. She simply started to unpack her bag. She told me to have fun on the weekend getaway, as she would not be coming."

See what she did? She didn't tell you what to do. She chose what SHE would do I'm response to your actions.

"She hasn’t replied to my texts. I think she’s overreacting."

You're allowed to think that. She's allowed to end the relationship.

"Am I an AH for thinking my gf is weird for being so attached to her dead dog’s ashes?"

You're mistaken here. You're not an AH for thinking it is weird. YTA for trying to tell her what she can and cannot do and how long she can grieve.

Rohini_rambles wrote:

Her late dog is still protecting her from bad people in her life, good on him. He had to have been an amazing pet to her to still protect her in spirit.

She is grieving. And you cannot control her. Please let her go so she can find someone who respects her.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared an update.

Update (and I’m sure this will make a lot of you happy): I get it. I’m an AH. I texted my gf to say I’m sorry for how I spoke to her and for dismissing her feelings. It was wrong. I also said I would like to apologize in person, and offered to bring over her favorite take out.

She said “All good. Don't worry about an in-person apology. I gathered the things you’ve left at my house. Let me know when you would like to come pick them up.” I’m hoping she will still hear me out when I go to her place.

Not long after that, he shared yet another follow-up.

Edit 3: To those of you dm’ing me who think I’m NTA, but won’t post a public comment due to the risk of being downvoted, please stop. That is cowardly. To those saying my girlfriend is a lunatic, a sociopath, unhinged, a trauma dumper, has endless emotional baggage, in need of a mental institution, etc, please stop that, too.

While myself and others may not understand what she is going through, that doesn’t automatically make her mentally unstable. She has a good heart and a good head on her shoulders. Name calling is unnecessary and borderline crueler than I was.

The comments kept coming.

Narkareth wrote:

YTA. This was not the way to handle this issue. If you know she's still mourning her lost pet, and she's developed these routines to help her cope with that issue; you can't expect her to just drop those things on a whim, vacation or no.

If you were uncomfortable with this behavior, and didn't want it to occur on vacation; you should have had a conversation about it well before she was literally packing her bag. I can't speak to how long its taking her to grieve, but it doesn't strike me as crazy that 5-6 months on someone might still be having difficulty with coping with a death. Perhaps she is grieving too long, perhaps not.

If you're right, she needs some kind of help to get past this difficult moment; not an ultimatum. Whether you intended to or not, you basically told her she needs to get over it; and worse, she needs to get over it not for her own wellbeing, but for your comfort. F--k her I guess?Really what reaction were you expecting?

Famous-Suspect5231 wrote:

My fiancée only knew my dog for a couple of months before he suddenly passed, and my dogs ashes have been sitting in my office for awhile now — but before that they were next to my bed, and I also would give him “good night kisses."

This year I decided to make an ofrenda to honor him, for that my fiancée printed out his picture for the frame and helped me set up the rest. He also celebrates his birthday with me, and finds ways to cheer me up on the anniversary of his death. My dog died SIX YEARS AGO. Take that as a long way of me saying definitely YTA, dude.

amyb10045 wrote:

YTA When my cat died I kept his paw print keepsake next to my bed for months and said goodnight to it. Weird, maybe. Probably. But no one gets to dictate the grieving process for someone else.

One day I moved the paw print and that was that. It sounds like a tiny urn so i'm not sure why this is such a massive inconvenience for you. She's going to move on eventually, on her own time. Unless she's spending hours a day worshipping a large shrine to her deceased pet, I think you need to let this one go.