'AITA for refusing to let my mom’s boyfriend walk me down the aisle?'

"AITAH for refusing to let my mom’s boyfriend walk me down the aisle?"

I (24F) am getting married next summer, and ever since I started planning the wedding, my mom (48F) has been pushing for her boyfriend (50M) to walk me down the aisle. My dad passed away when I was 10, and my mom started dating her boyfriend about six years ago.

While he’s always been nice to me, I’ve never seen him as a father figure, he came into my life when I was already an adult, and we’re friendly but not particularly close. I told my mom that I plan to walk myself down the aisle as a way to honor my independence and my dad’s memory.

She got really upset, saying her boyfriend has “earned” the spot by being there for me all these years. She even accused me of disrespecting her relationship and trying to “erase” my dad, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Now her boyfriend is avoiding me, and my mom keeps calling me selfish and saying I’m ruining the wedding before it even starts. A few family members are also weighing in, saying I should let him do it to keep the peace. But this is my wedding, and I feel like I should have the final say. AITAH?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

DetectiveQueasy1711 wrote:

NTA.

This is your wedding and, hopefully, your only one! It should be perfect according to your and your partner's needs and desires. Not an area for point of contentions. Your mother is being manipulative and insulting...

> Trying to “erase” my dad.

You've already mentioned you're doing this to honour your father's memory. She's using your closeness to your father to control you.

> Saying her boyfriend has “earned” the spot by being there for me all these years

You don't get to earn a spot in a wedding. You simply get one given to you from the marrying couple. Nor should they feel disrespected for you wishing to honour your father and independence.

> "My mom keeps calling me selfish and saying I’m ruining the wedding before it even starts"

She's now resorting to being insulting.

OP responded:

You’ve perfectly summed up how I’m feeling. This isn’t about disrespecting anyone, it’s about honoring my dad and making my wedding feel right for me. It hurts that she’s twisting this into something manipulative instead of understanding my reasons. Thank you for validating my perspective.

Edymnion wrote:

NTA. If anyone is trying to "erase" your dad, it's her. You said you're 24, and this guy came into the picture about 6 years ago, which would have made you 18 at the time. You were an adult. He is literally nothing to you unless you say otherwise. He didn't raise you, he's just your mother's boyfriend. Not even her husband. Frankly he should be happy to get an invite as anything other than your mother's +1.

OP responded:

That’s a really good point. He came into my life when I was already an adult, so he’s never been more than my mom’s boyfriend to me. I agree, just being invited should be enough without expecting more. Thank you for putting it so clearly!

IamIrene wrote:

"My mom (48F) has been pushing for her boyfriend (50M) to walk me down the aisle."

Your wedding, your rules.

"I told my mom that I plan to walk myself down the aisle as a way to honor my independence and my dad’s memory."

Your wedding, your rules.

"She got really upset, saying her boyfriend has “earned” the spot by being there for me all these years."

Attempting to manipulate you to try and appease her boyfriend and/or to save face in front of family.

"She even accused me of disrespecting her relationship and trying to “erase” my dad, which couldn’t be further from the truth."

Gross. I have to wonder if she is getting pressure from her boyfriend though. Doesn't excuse her behavior but it might explain why she's so dead set on it.

"A few family members are also weighing in, saying I should let him do it to keep the peace."

Your wedding, your rules. You DO have the final say.

You are NTA. Everyone trying to pressure you into what they want for themselves...for your wedding...most definitely are the TA.

OP responded:

Thank you, I really appreciate this perspective. It does feel like she might be getting pressure from him, but it’s unfair for her to turn that on me. At the end of the day, it’s my wedding, and I have to stand by what feels right for me. Everyone else’s opinions shouldn’t outweigh that.

Ok-Horror-1049 wrote:

NTA. Your wedding, your rules. Mom's BF came into your life when you were 18 years old. And while mom's guy may have(?) done some stand-up things for you, he didn't raise you. You have a father. He passed away, he didn't neglect or ab-se you.

Honoring him in your own way on YOUR day should be respected. Nothing selfish about this on your part, mom and mom BF need to realize your wedding isn't about them.😡 NTA.

Chi-Lan-Tro wrote:

NTA - OP have you seen where people have had locket sized pictures of their loved ones tied to their bouquet? That would be a nice way to include your Dad.

OP responded:

That’s such a beautiful idea! I’ve seen those, and it’s such a meaningful way to keep a loved one close during the ceremony. I’ll definitely consider doing something like that to honor my dad. Thank you for the suggestion!

That_Old_Cat wrote:

NTA. If anything, your Mom should walk you down the aisle, not a man unrelated to you and unmarried to her.

You walking yourself is perfectly fine and appropriate!

OP responded:

I agree, if anyone were to take on that role, my mom would make way more sense than her boyfriend.

Pintsize90 wrote:

NTA at all! My dad also passed away before my wedding so my mom and brother walked me down the aisle to honor him. Your mom’s boyfriend has never been a substitute father to you and he’s not even your stepdad!

I wonder if part of the reason your mom is pushing this so hard and her boyfriend is now uncomfortable is because she wishes that they were getting married or had already gotten married. Somehow the symbolism of him stepping into a father role in your wedding will make him want to make it official?

OP responded:

Thank you for sharing your story, that sounds like a beautiful way to include your dad’s memory. I’ve wondered if there’s more to why my mom is pushing this so hard.