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'AITA for refusing to meet my mum after my grandparents said me and my dad weren’t a real family?' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for refusing to meet my mum after my grandparents said me and my dad weren’t a real family?' UPDATED 2X

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It takes more than just blood to be family, it also takes a relationship.

"AITA for refusing to meet my mum after my grandparents said me and my dad weren’t a real family?"

My mum got pregnant with me by accident when they were in school, and this caused a lot of problems for both of my parents because they had to continue school while taking care of me.

Shortly after I was born my just moved all of a sudden and my dad had to look after me all alone. Around last year my mum (31f) suddenly reached out to me (14f) and my dad (31m) and asked if she could meet me.

So I started seeing my mum every month and met my grandparents and they were all very nice to me. My dad kind of hates my mum, like he doesn’t say it but it’s obvious when he never wants to be near her and is reluctant every time I go meet my mum. And I learned that it’s because my mum was a dr*nk when they were younger and was a really bad person.

But I think she’s changed now. In a while I will turn 15 and I’m going to have a small party to celebrate, and I’m only having my granny (my dad’s mum) and my best friends over. My mum found out it was my birthday soon and called my dad to ask what we’ll be doing and he told her that she didn’t need to come.

And my mum was mad and her parents called me and my dad to try to convince us. So my dad asked me if I wanted her there and I honestly don’t think we’re close so I said no. Now my mum is really hurt and she doesn’t want to meet me anymore because she says she needs time away from us.

When I called her only her parents pick up and they told me to leave her alone. I feel bad because I think she’s really hurt and I don’t know if I should have sucked it up and just let her go to my party. My dad says it’s “good riddance” but I’m afraid that I’m actually in the wrong but I don’t know it. AITA?

Commenters kept it real.

JeepersCreepers74 wrote:

NTA. You are the child; your mom is the adult. As the kid in this situation, it is NOT your job to make your mom feel good about herself or where she stands with you. It is your Mom's duty to repair this relationship, to look out for your feelings, and to give you space when needed. If she's not willing to assume these responsibilities, she's not ready to be back in your life.

That's on her, not you, and you should not feel guilty about it. As for your grandparents, they are fostering this bad behavior on your mom's part by treating the two of you like school friends who should be forced to invite each other to parties so nobody's feelings get hurt, rather than parent and child.

They are unwilling to hold her accountable for the harm she has caused and, therefore, their opinion is meaningless as well. Despite these unfortunate circumstances, it sounds like you have a lot of people who love you in your life. Happy birthday and enjoy your party!

TheBlueLady39 wrote:

Exactly this! And for the "grandparents" where were they while their daughter just dropped everything and abandoned her baby and disappeared? I wouldn't worry about anything that they say or feel. They obviously wanted nothing to do with her either unless her mother was involved.

I don't think I would be able to let myself get close to them or let my guard down to where we would only ever have an "acquaintance" relationship so that they wouldn't have the power to hurt me when they all abandoned me again.

OP responded:

Thank you for the birthday wishes!

extinct_diplodocus wrote:

NTA. She may be your mum, but she hadn't seen you for over a decade. You're still slowly getting to know her. Things may eventually gel with you two, or they may not. At this point, she's still a near-stranger.

It's totally reasonable to limit your birthday attendance to those you're close to. Your mum does not (yet, if ever) fit that definition. Your mum seems to feel that you should recognize her as your mum as if the decade+ absence never happened. That's unwarranted, and if she's disappointed about it, it's her own unrealistic expectations at fault.

NoKidding1305 wrote:

NTA. You’re 14…you should never have been put on the spot like this. Your mum sucks. She abandoned you and your dad for years, and while I applaud her for at least attempting to start working on fixing things she’s an idiot if she expected it to be easy. She’s now realizing it’s not, and what’s her first instinct? To run away again.

Through no fault of your own she rejected you in a way many kids never fully recover from.

You’re graciously allowing her a second chance, and now she’s avoiding you, a kid, because of a perceived rejection on your part that was really inspired by the difficult position you’re in, feeling you need to protect the feelings of the parent who stood by you. For her to act all wounded over this is a hell of a lot of nerve.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

My parents had me really young (like 16) and my mum moved after I was born so my dad took care of me alone while still in school. I (14f) started meeting my mum (31f) last year when she came back all of a sudden and we meet every month.

My dad (31m) doesn’t like my mum and wouldn’t talk to her if he could.

Recently my mum and I got into a fight because I didnt want to invite her to my birthday party because we aren’t close. So to smooth things over my grandparents proposed that we all have a family dinner together to celebrate separately.

So my dad and I had dinner with them yesterday and it was a disaster. At first it was fine. But my dad was really uncomfortable and it was just awkward all round. Then my grandparents started talking about my mums involvement in my life. Like “maybe you and your mum can go somewhere together” that kind of thing.

My mum suggested that she could send me to school in the mornings, which my dad does. And I could tell my dad was getting annoyed and he said its fine, and she didnt need to do that. Then my grandparents started to get angry and asked why he was so against them, while my mum just looked embarrassed and didnt say anything.

Then my grandma said “she needs her mother to have a REAL family, just her dad is not enough."

My dad got so mad that he just told me to pack up and we were going. And when we got home my dad just locked himself in his room and I could hear him crying.

At that point I was just angry so today I called my mum and told her I didnt want to see her ever again. She started crying and tried to apologise but I hung up on her. She sent me voicemails saying that I shouldn’t punish her for what her parents said and that I need to stop overreacting

I don’t know if I’m being too extreme and overreacting. My dad says I can decide but he looks conflicted honestly and my mum crying made me feel kind of bad. So am I the AH? I don’t know if it’s justified to stop seeing my mum even though she didnt say that stuff just her parents.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Ok_Conversation9750 wrote:

"Then my grandma said 'she needs her mother to have a REAL family, just her dad is not enough.'"

That's rich, considering it was your "REAL" mom that abandoned you! Tell grandma that dad has been plenty family, as he's the own who has actually raised and cared for you for 14 years.

NTA - grandma can just go away. I would suggest leaving the door open for your mom, so long as she understands that grandma et al are now on your NC list, and that's non-negotiable.

FitorFat-1999 wrote:

Saying don't punish me for what my parents said is one thing. Saying that you're overreacting to what your grandparents said is crossing the line. I'd say NTA and when you've cooled off you may change your mind about seeing your mum.

But IMO your mum and grandparents are pushing way too hard too soon. It's probably the "making up for lost time" mindset. But you're 14 now, not the infant she abandoned. You can develop a relationship, but it should be on your terms. One non-negotiable should be don't EVER criticize my dad or say he and I aren't a real family.

Beck2010 wrote:

NTA. For 13-ish, where has your mom been? Not with you. Who held you when you cried? Who was there for you to celebrate your achievements? Who took care of you when you were sick? Not your bio mom. Your dad has been there for you. Your bio mom showing up and showing seeds of discontent is disrespectful.

Your grandparents, aka your bio mom’s parents, are happy to throw your dad away now that their child has decided to be a parent. Your bio mom had the opportunity to tell her parents to back down when they said your dad isn’t enough. But she stayed quiet. How very mature and classy of her /s

Now. Go hug your dad, tell him you love him, and let him know you know he’s enough and then some. Slow down on meeting your bio mom for the time being. And - has she ever told you why she abandoned you?

OP responded:

I'm not sure why my mum moved but my grandparents were unhappy that she got pregnant so I’ve just always assumed it was to get away. Though idk if my mum made the decision so idk if she decided to leave or she just followed her parents.

Relevant-Position-43 wrote:

INFO. How have the monthly meet-ups with your mother been for you? If you are getting something from the reconnection then it would be sad to lose that because of your grandparents. If they're not good for you there's no reason to continue for her sake. You are not "punishing" her by not making an effort to repair the estrangement she created.

OP responded:

It’s okay, we just meet for lunch and talk about whatever happens in school. I don’t rly feel very close to her. 😅

A little over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Here is an update to what happened after I made my post. The post is on my profile.

After I cooled down from that day, I thought it over and I read all your comments. So I decided to keep talking to my mum and maybe not my grandparents anymore.

Then I talked to my dad about it and he told me that when my mum and dad were dating, her parents disapproved of him because he was poorer and his mum was a single mum. My mum’s family is kind of classist and didn’t like him so during that time they treated him badly. So that’s why he doesn’t like my mums parents and he still hates my mum for never making contact.

He called my mum and told her that she could continue to see me once a month but I wouldn’t meet her parents at all and she wouldn’t fetch me to school. My mum said ok and now everything has blown over. She apologised to my dad and me and now he’s trying to tolerate her more.

I’m trying to be less mad at my mum because I think she is trying harder. And I'm trying to show my dad that I appreciate him more for all that he’s done for me. Thank you for all your advice on what to do! Some of you seemed curious to know what would happen, so here you go. Sorry if im updating wrong im not really clear of the format.

The comments kept coming.

SPINPINS wrote:

You seem incredibly mature for your age, it seems your dad has been raising your right! Good for you for showing him the appreciation he deserves and for icing out the grandparents. They sound toxic and won't contribute and good to your life.

Your mom seems highly influenced by them but doesn't seem to have the same mindset. I hope things work out with her but I'd be cautious. Good luck to you and your REAL FAMILY.

OP responded:

Thank you!! My dad is a great parent 😁

ContentContact3254 wrote:

Thank you for the update. You are in a tough spot and handling it with grace. Of course your first loyalty lies with your father, but I am glad you are giving your mom another chance. I agree not seeing your grandparents seems wise!

eponymousCanadian wrote:

Wow, for people who are so obsessed by class your grandparents have none. Your real family are the people (or person) who has/have been in your life consistently since the very beginning.

Where was their condescending advice when your mother pissed off to wherever and left your dad as a single parent? You are absolutely NTA and your dad is the only one with integrity in this whole fiasco. You’re a good person OP, protect your family whatever size it is!

Tulipsarered wrote:

You’ve already learned an important skill: talking things out when possible and setting reasonable boundaries. The world would be a better place if more adults had your maturity! Good luck to you in the future. think you won’t need much luck, though — you have a good head on your shoulders.

Sources: Reddit
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