'AITA for refusing to pay for my niece’s wedding after promising to cover it?'
"AITA for refusing to pay for my niece’s wedding after promising to cover it?"
So, I'm a 35-year-old guy, and I’ve always been close with my older sister, Emily (38F), and her daughter, Lily (22F). Emily had Lily when she was young (16), and since she was a single mom for most of it, I’ve always tried to help out where I could.
Over the years, I’ve paid for Lily’s summer camps, her college applications, and even her first car. I did this because I love them both and always wanted to support them.
A year ago, Lily got engaged to her long-term boyfriend. When they announced the engagement at a family dinner, I said I’d be happy to help with wedding expenses. I never said I’d pay for everything, but apparently, my offer was interpreted as me footing the bill for the whole wedding. It became clear when Lily and Emily started planning a big, extravagant affair—destination wedding, 200+ guests, you name it.
I sat them down and said I’d contribute $15,000, which I thought was a pretty generous amount. But they both seemed really upset. Lily said I “promised” to pay for the wedding, and Emily backed her up, saying I “always supported them” and this was the least I could do. Apparently, they were expecting I’d cover a $50,000+ wedding. I told them that wasn’t happening. $15,000 was all I could give.
Now, here’s where things get worse. Lily and Emily stopped including me in the wedding planning entirely. I didn’t hear much from them for a while, and it turns out they booked everything for the wedding thinking I’d eventually cave and cover it. Now they’re in over their heads, and the wedding is just three months away.
Emily called me, crying, saying they were going to lose deposits and that I “ruined” the wedding by not coming through. Lily isn’t speaking to me. Here’s the kicker: Emily and Lily are now saying I’m being manipulative, offering to help and then taking it away at the last second, making them look bad in front of the groom’s family.
They claim they never would’ve planned something so extravagant if I hadn’t promised to cover it all. But I never said that. I said I’d help. I feel like I’ve done more than enough over the years, but now I’m being treated like the villain for not paying for this giant wedding. AITA?
The commenters had a lot to say.
mdthomas wrote:
"When they announced the engagement at a family dinner, I said I’d be happy to help with wedding expenses. I never said I’d pay for everything, but apparently, my offer was interpreted as me footing the bill for the whole wedding."
They heard what they wanted to hear.
"I didn’t hear much from them for a while, and it turns out they booked everything for the wedding thinking I’d eventually cave and cover it."
They then continue planning huge wedding even though you told them you weren't paying for everything.
"Now they’re in over their heads, and the wedding is just three months away."
Not your fault. They made those choices, not you.
"Emily and Lily are now saying I’m being manipulative, offering to help and then taking it away at the last second, making them look bad in front of the groom’s family."
Not your problem.
"Now I’m being treated like the villain for not paying for this giant wedding."
That sucks, but you did nothing wrong. NTA.
Comfortable-Sea-2454 wrote:
NTA.
"But I never said that. I said I’d help. I feel like I’ve done more than enough over the years, but now I’m being treated like the villain for not paying for this giant wedding."
Your Sister and Niece are acting like spoiled children. $15k is a very generous gift for the wedding.
"Apparently, they were expecting I’d cover a $50,000+ wedding. I told them that wasn’t happening. $15,000 was all I could give."
AFTER you told them that $15,000 was your gift they went and planned the 50K wedding. How much is your sister and the grooms family putting towards the wedding?
anothertypicalcmmt wrote:
NTA. How incredibly entitled. I think it's absolutely awful how they're trying to take advantage of your generosity. If an uncle offered to give me $15k for anything, I'd be so grateful!!
They dug this hole themselves, and now they're finding out your boundaries are, in fact, ACTUAL boundaries that you plan to stick too. Good for you!! They could have planned a perfect good wedding for $15k or threw in a bit of their own money for a $20k wedding, smh.
HugeInTheshire wrote:
NTA.
You're nothing more than a bank account to these people, they'll bleed your bank account dry and once it's all gone so are they.
Malaronie wrote:
NTA. I could understand that they got used to you as a provider of sorts but this is beyond ungrateful, you put so much effort into making their lives easier and contributing what you could. This is incredibly disrespectful to your efforts and it seems as if they are trying to take advantage of you, and when you didn't let them, they got upset.
And not including you in the planning even though you are offering to pay for a portion of it is disgustingly petty. I hope you sort this out and they realize it's unreasonable for them to keep relying on you and demanding for things out of your expense and just enjoy the event itself no matter how big or small it is as a family.
RoyallyOakie wrote:
NTA....The least you can do? The least you can do is zero, and at this point that's what they deserve. They took your kindness and generosity for granted. Your niece and sister need to reflect on just how much you've already done for them.
catskilkid wrote:
They burned you. Based on your post there is NO WAY they will accept any responsibility for their "misunderstanding." You need to back away and if anyone says anything, you can hit them up with the reality check.
Oh, my niece that I have helped so much in reasonable manners is claiming I promised an unlimited amount of money for a destination wedding that I had no knowledge of or I promised something reasonable, addressed their misunderstanding and they didn't care. Is there really any REASONABLE person you care about that would believe you were the AH? No way. Just stay away. NTA.