'AITA for refusing to speak to my brother's fiancée after revealing her 'parenting methods?'
"AITA for refusing to speak to my brother's fiancée after revealing her 'parenting methods?'"
My brother Tom (34M) recently got engaged to Melissa (32F), who has a 6-year-old son, Dylan (changed the names). Last weekend, I (29F) was babysitting Dylan while they went out for dinner. Dylan was playing with some toys when he accidentally broke a glass figurine.
He immediately started crying and said, "Please don't tell my mom! She'll give me the quiet time!" I asked what "quiet time" meant, and Dylan explained that when he misbehaves, Melissa makes him kneel facing a wall for an hour, sometimes longer if he cries or moves. If he speaks, she adds more time. This shocked me, but I kept calm and told him accidents happen.
When Tom and Melissa returned, I told Tom privately what Dylan had shared. Tom defended her, saying I don't understand parenting and that Dylan is "dramatic." He claimed it's just a "time-out" and I'm overreacting. I later confronted Melissa directly, telling her I thought her "quiet time" punishment was excessive and potentially ab#$ive.
She completely flipped out, saying I had no right to question her parenting when I don't have kids. She accused me of trying to sabotage their relationship and twisting a child's words. Now my entire family is divided. My parents think I should apologize for "overstepping," while my sister agrees with me that the punishment sounds problematic.
Tom is demanding I apologize to Melissa before their wedding. I refuse to apologize for speaking up about something that seems wrong to me. Making a child kneel silently for extended periods doesn't seem like appropriate discipline. But now I'm uninvited from their wedding and causing family drama. AITA for refusing to let this go and apologize?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Honest_Weird_9715 wrote:
An hour on his knees?!?! As a mom myself I am horrified. Also he accidentally broke something and started crying because he was scared of his mom. So no overreaction their. Giving children a time out okay but not for an hour and not on his knees for god damn!
OP responded:
Thank you. I was shocked too when Dylan explained it. His fear of her reaction to an accident broke my heart. I'm still trying to figure out how to stay involved in his life despite the wedding drama.
the_noi wrote:
If true, that’s abhorrent. At the same time, 6-year-olds have no concept of time. It could just be 5 minutes.
_willCAD_ wrote:
First thing here is to verify whether these punishments are actually an hour, or if the six year old's perception of time makes five or six minutes seem like an hour - because I recall five minutes seeming like a LONG time when I was that age.
When I was that age, my family used 'standing in the corner' as a punishment for minor infractions. We didn't kneel, we stood, facing a corner, usually for about five minutes, though if we talked, cried, or moved away it could be extended by a minute or even two. I have never really considered that an extreme punishment, certainly not to the level of ab%$e.
I've always thought of it as a 'time out' by a different name, a way to calm a kid down and get them into a less hyper physical and emotional state. But kneeling against a wall for a whole hour? That's some psycho s#$t there that needs to be reported, because if it's true, it'll only get worse for the kid as he gets older.
Ok-Coconut824 wrote:
You are NAH for trying to protect your nephew. However, you are a slight AH with your approach. You “confronted” your SIL instead of investigating if what your nephew stated was accurate.
For little kids, 10 minutes in timeout can feel like an hour. You could have said “hey, D said he gets quiet time for misbehaving? What is that and for how long?” It’s not clear from your post if your brother & SIL are making him kneel for hours. Did they actually confirm this is true?
Mapilean wrote:
NTA. Don't attend the wedding (and don't send a wedding gift) and let others know why. That poor kid needs someone to advocate for him. Melissa is an abusive parent, and she will be ab#$ive to the kids she might have with your brother. Keep a close eye on her, you might need to involve CPS in the future. Kudos to you for standing by a child.
Alfredthegiraffe20 wrote:
Does a six-year-old know what an hour is? You're taking the word of a young child and accusing both the parent and your brother, both of whom say you're over reacting. It's certainly not your place to tell either of them how to parent, especially without actual proof.
Going to your brother is one thing, doubling down and going to the mother and calling her actions, that you haven't even seen, ab-$ive, is another thing entirely. No word on what the child is like behaviour wise on a daily basis, YTA..
erickaxx01 wrote:
NTA. "You’re not a parent, you don’t understand” is such a weak excuse. You don’t need to have children to know that forcing a child to kneel for hours in silence is not normal. That’s psychological punishment with long-term consequences.
Melissa flipping out and turning it into a personal attack says more about her defensiveness than your delivery. You did the right thing, and more people need to have the courage to say something when a kid might be in trouble.
Interesting-Budget81 wrote:
NTA but you could have been more strategic in your confrontation. You didn’t think about how Dylan would be punished for your speaking up and that you’d get this reaction from Melissa, which would potentially leave you, a safe adult, out of his life. I get that how Dylan reacted touched your heart deeply and worried you.
You are a good person, OP. But when it comes to this kinds of things, we can’t just be good and react; we need to be good and strategic, wise and patient—always with the kid’s best interest centered. I hope you aren’t frozen out of Dylan’s life, and I hope Dylan has more safe adults he doesn’t feel scared around.
PoppyStaff wrote:
NTA. The fact the child is afraid of his mother is a trauma reaction. Over a thing. She’s making decorative objects more important than a human being she’s supposed to protect and love. F her and your brother and their wedding.