'AITA for refusing to spend money on my brother-in-law’s wedding? He made a scene.'
"AITAH for refusing to spend money on my brother in law’s wedding?"
My (F29) partner (M28) has a brother (M35) and a sister (F32). His sister has two children. Last year, her youngest child (M2) was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. It has been a huge adjustment and my SIL and family have had a hard time keeping his condition under control. They were looking at purchasing a pump to help manage his diabetes.
A pump would drastically help keep his levels under control and would improve the day to day life of my nephew and his parents. The problem is that the pump is expensive. Most cost between $5000-$10000 and my SIL and her partner do not have access to this amount of money. They had been saving money towards it, but are still a while off.
My partner and I have two young children and can’t imagine being in their position. For this reason, we offered to pay for the pump. We are not wealthy (we are living off of my partner’s income as an electrician while I stay home with our two children), but we budget well and always make sure we have money set aside.
My SIL and her partner declined our offer to pay for the pump as they managed to get a pump paid for by their health insurance. Great. Win win, case closed. Or so I thought. About a month after we had offered them the money, my partner’s brother got engaged. His fiancee has disabilities that prevent her from working.
She also has extremely expensive taste. Shortly after the engagement, we all met up for dinner to congratulate them. At one point they stood up to do a speech to thank everyone for their support etc etc. All completely normal until they turned to my partner and I and thanked us for helping to pay for their dream wedding.
I was confused but didn’t say anything in the moment. After the speech we pulled them aside and asked what they were referring to. They explained that they heard that we had offered to pay for the pump, which we are now not doing, so therefore we have a spare $10,000. They reasoned that we were planning on spending it on family, and this is the same thing.
We were stunned. My partner explained to them that we didn’t feel it was the same at all. A diabetes pump helps to keep our nephew alive, a wedding is hardly the same thing. My brother-in-law got mad and accused us of favouring their sister. He said that we were willing to part ways with the money before so he didn’t understand why we wouldn’t now.
I told him we were only going to the spend the money on the pump, otherwise it would stay in our emergency fund. He called us selfish and we left early. After we left we received texts from other family members taking his side and guilting us into paying towards the wedding since his partner won’t be able to. I didn’t think we did anything wrong but now these messages have me questioning, AITAH?
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
G0t2ThinkAboutt wrote:
NTA. Your brother and family supporting him are the AHs. You were willing to dip into your family's emergency fund to help save a life.
You indicated that money wasn't easily available - you have it because you have worked hard to save it.
Your brother could work extra hours to save up enough money to get the big, fancy wedding - or they can change their expectations and have a wedding they can afford. If you don't provide the money, no one's health will be seriously impacted. However, to expect you to fork out that money for an event WITHOUT ASKING is unforgivable.
PandaCotton wrote:
NTA. How entitled. Your savings are not a common fund and you are not a charity. Those 10,000 are yours, just because he knows about them doesn't mean they're at his disposal.
Edit: the family members who are guilting you can share the cost and pay for his dream wedding.
Brief-History-6838 wrote:
He assumed he would get your money without even ASKING you?!?
A pump is a life or death thing, a wedding is not. You can have a wedding at Mcdonalds if you're on a budget (just ask the guests if they want their chicken Mcfilleted or Mcnuggeted).
Screw everyone who is trying to guilt you into giving away YOUR money. What if something horrible happens and you need that money to pay for something? Is his brother gonna pay you back? somehow I doubt he'll be of any help or show any appreciation for it. NTA.
McflyThrowaway01 wrote:
NTA. He needs to tell his family that if his brother having a dream wedding is so important to them, then maybe they should all pitch in and pay for it. That it was inappropriate and manipulative for his brother to announce that you guys were paying for the wedding when they didn't ask and its inappropriate and manipulative for family to be calling now about it.
He won't stand for it. Brother isn't entitled to you guys' money, and he isn't the victim. His wedding isn't an emergency and to accuse you guys of playing favorites over a child's insulin pump just shows what kind of person he really is. Remind them that the money was offered for a sick child, and it sucks that now you guys are being treated like you did something wrong.
That now you guys won't ever feel comfortable offering help in an emergency ever again. Girl this would be my hill to die on!!! If you give money now, him and his little wife will be calling you out for every choice you make that involves you guys having something or gifting something to someone else, cause it's not fair.
corgihuntress wrote:
NTA and you can tell all those people they can feel free to contribute their money since they are so willing to spend yours. They are ridiculously entitled and greedy.
You can also tell them you ARE giving it to family: your own children's college funds because when ranking need, a health pump for a 2-year-old comes in first, your children's health, welfare and future come 2, and financing your in-laws' wedding comes in right behind buying yourself a trip to the moon.
HustleHeartLoyalty wrote:
Tell everyone who texts you to make a donation of $1,000.00 and you will then match it, but it has to be no less than $1,000.00 and paid to a vendor directly, not given to your BIL to secretly give back to them.
I bet not one of them does it. 😂