'AITA for refusing to step down as my BFF's best (wo)man since his fiancee is jealous?' UPDATED

"AITA For Refusing To Step Down From My Position As 'Best Man'?"

My (26F) best friend Jay (27M) is getting married in February- if conditions allow- to this girl El (27F). For background me and Jay have known each other our entire lives because our parents are good friends.

We're both from Russia and moved to America together several years ago and used to live together before he got with El. I see him as my brother now but we did briefly date when I was 18 (realized I'm a lesbian) but otherwise there has never been anything romantic between us.

Back to the wedding, after announcing his engagement Jay asked me to be his best (wo)man for the wedding. I of course agreed, he's the most important person in my life I'm honoured to be his best man. This was about eight or nine months ago and at the time El seemed to have no issue with me taking on this role.

However a few days ago El told me she needed to talk to me about the wedding. She told me that she was not okay with Jay having a woman as his best man and that I needed to step down. I tried to rationalize with her and she went on this rant to me about how she knew I was secretly in love with him, how I was trying to break them up, that I was a bad person, etc.

She tried to say that now she didn't want me at the wedding at all. I thought this was absolutely ridiculous Like I said Jay is like a brother to me, we only dated for maybe five months, and she knows I like girls. I told Jay about what happened and asked if I should just step down and he insisted I shouldn't and said he'd talk to El.

Well apparently that caused them to have a huge fight and El is staying with her mom right now. She's been spamming my phone telling me it's all my fault and that I'm destroying her relationship but it's really not my intention. But after all this fighting I wonder if I should've just agreed to step down. AITA?

What do you think? AITA if she refuses to step down as "best man" in her BFF's wedding? This is what top commenters had to say:

Stag_Almighty said:

NTA, she's insecure and it's not your fault this is happening to her. It's hers. If she didn't want this to happen then she should have talked about it with your friend that she is marrying like an adult.

BrownSugarBare said:

NTA - when did choosing your bridesmaids and groomsmen become a whole group thing? Jay is getting married. Jay is the groom. Jay would like to have OP - a life long friend - as his Best (Wo)Man. Is Jay telling El that he has opinions on her bridesmaids? That he doesn't like the way one of the bridesmaids looks at him so he doesn't want her in the wedding party? Probably not.

Also, if El is having an issue with you just standing in the wedding, I'm willing to bet a pretty penny that she's going to have an issue with your friendship for a long time to come.

ET318 said:

NTA. The best man is up to Jay and Jay only. If he had asked you to step down you should, but he wanted you to stay. If his fiancé is gonna act like this now, that could be trouble for Jay down the line.

ejmears said:

NTA. Sounds like you have just helped Jay avoid a possible train wreck. If I were him I would see this as a huge red flag, she just went behind his back, doesn't trust him/you and also invalidated your identity as a queer person. These are all major issues in a relationship and if I were him I'd be reconsidering that marriage.

klc123 said:

NTA. You asked Jay if he wanted you to step down and he didn’t want that. His fiancée shouldn’t have tried to kick out his choice for a best man without even talking to him first. The fiancée has real issues, hopefully this incident is helping him see her clearly.

PurpleDot0 said:

Personally I can see why having an ex be in a wedding party would be uncomfortable for a person, regardless of surrounding circumstances I really can. But that should be a conversation she has with her future husband not you. NTA

Commenters agreed: NTA.

OP later shared this update on the situation:

First off I want to thank everyone for your feedback I appreciate it very much. But back to the issue. The news is honestly kind of crazy, just a bit ago El texted me but instead of the rude things she'd been saying she apologized and asked if she could call me. I said yes and El apologized profusely for what she's said and assured me she didn't mean it.

Unfortunately the reason why she acted this way has caused big drama. El admitted to me that she'd been talking to Jays sister (her and Jay are on very bad terms but she was still invited to the wedding) and that his sister told El these horrible things. The texts were along the lines of "Jay will always love my name more then you",

" He doesn't really love you", "my name is secretly in love with Jay", and more awful things. Jays sister has always seemed to hate me I know this but the fact that she did all this astounds me. El kept apologizing for believing Jays sister and not coming to me or Jay first. I forgive her and I understand why she acted the way she did. We told Jay about this and he's very angry about it.

His relationship with his sister is completely done with unfortunately and she will not be at the wedding but on the bright side everything has worked out between me and El and there are no hard feelings. So that's about it, once again thank you to everyone who's gived feedback I appreciated it.