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'AITA for reminding my friend that she married for intelligence and look where it got her?' UPDATED

'AITA for reminding my friend that she married for intelligence and look where it got her?' UPDATED


Play with fire, and you just might get burned.

"AITA for reminding my friend that she married for intelligence and look where it got her?"

I (35F) met my husband Vince (36M) after he saved me from drowning at a pool party when I was 18. I took him out for lunch the following week to thank him for saving me, and we soon fell in love and began dating. At the time, Vince worked a blue collar job while I was studying in university. We ended up getting married and Vince supported me throughout my entire education up until I got my PhD.

Vince always told me that he wanted to study in university but had learning disabilities that made it difficult for him to study in a classroom. At times he was embarrassed by the fact that he had to work twice as hard compared to people around him, but I always found that to be admirable about him.

When I finished my studies and got a well paying job I convinced Vince to give his dream of studying another go. Last year he was finally accepted into a nursing program at our local university. He is working hard to achieve him dream and I’m incredibly proud of him.

Last week my friend Alba (36F) came to visit with her son so our children could play together. Alba was my roommate during my first year in university, she began dating her husband Leo around the same time I started dating Vince. Leo was an obnoxious law student who later on became an even more obnoxious attorney.

He was a know it all who prided himself on his intelligence, which for some reason attracted Alba. At the time Alba would sometimes tease me that I could do better than Vince, and would offer to set me up with one of Leo’s law school buddies, but I would always refuse and she eventually dropped the subject.

Alba and Leo are currently going through a nasty divorce that stems from him cheating on her, quite frankly he is dragging her through the mud and is using connections to try and leave her as penniless as possible.

As we were chatting and catching up Alba began to express concern over the fact that my eldest son (7M) was recently diagnosed with dyslexia, Alba began telling me how she is worried that my son will be academically challenged like his father and what that could entail for his future.

Before I could respond she told me how I should have married someone smart while I had the chance so I would have kids like hers. (Albas son is an incredibly bright boy and a straight A student).

I told Alba her advice was unnecessary and reminded her where marrying for intelligence got her, I then proceeded to tell her that I would rather have my son grow up to be an honest, hardworking person like his father than an academically gifted jerk who wasn’t smart enough to know sleeping with his secretary could have consequences on his marriage like her husband.

Alba was deeply hurt by what I’ve said and stormed out with her son. Some mutual friends are now chiming in and are telling me that I was too harsh on Alba for using her failing marriage to prove my point and should apologize.

People had a lot to say in response.

corgihuntress wrote:

Okay, can I just say that intelligence doesn't have anything to do with dyslexia? That incredibly intelligent people can have it? And they can also have other learning disorders or be kinetic learners? Because for her to say that your husband isn't intelligent is just a level of AHery that's completely unacceptable. Having an education v. no education is also not a measure of intelligence.

Trust me. I have a PhD too. I also know a lot of brilliant people without college diplomas. Now that my rant is over. NTA and while certainly you should be concerned if your child has a learning disability and you should pursue support for him. that doesn't make him stupid or otherwise lacking.

agogKiwi responded:

Just to pile on a little, high intelligence does not guarantee success. I know plenty of highly intelligent people who are not successful for a variety of reasons.

Having two AHs for parents might be a reason some smart kids don't end up being successful. Just saying.

Even_Enthusiasm7223 wrote:

She insults your husband and your son and then gets mad when you point out that. The qualities that she seems to think are lacking are the same ones that got going through a really bad divorce. You are not harsh enough.

NTA. And you don't need friends like her?

Callmepepper7 wrote:

Yeah this right here. Anyone who says that OP went too far fails to realize that her “friend” was the first one to insult OP’s child and husband. Don’t dish what you can’t take.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Small update: first of all I want to thank you all for your replies :) I wanted to address a couple of things, many of you asked why Alba and I remained friends despite her previous remarks. Alba and I grew apart during our third year in university, we only remained friends by association since we have a lot of shared mutual friends.

We became close again after our sons started playing basketball together at the local community center and became friends.

I figured that becoming a mother made her more mature and she didn’t give me any reason to suspect otherwise. I’ve decided to send her a message saying that the way she spoke about my husband and son was unacceptable and therefore she is no longer welcomed in my home.

However, I don’t want our sons to lose their friendship and therefore I’m willing to remain civil around the kids and still organize play dates. She didn’t reply to me just yet, but I truly hope she loves her son enough to put her ego aside and remain civil for the sake of our kids.

I’ve yet to notify Vince about this entire situation since he is vigorously studying for an important quiz that’s coming up next week, and I know that if he heard what Alba said about him and our boy it would make him upset and he won’t be able to continue studying properly. Unless something crazy happens in the meantime I’ll probably update him next week after he’s done with the quiz.

The comments quickly came flowing in.

WiseOldBMW wrote:

NTA. I think it might be a sort of emotional-defensive-reflex thing on her end to keep her from acknowledging the fact that she married a really awful person. You definitely could have taken a minute before reacting in the heat of the moment, but I won't fault you for sticking up for your husband and especially not your son.

It's worth stressing that Alba insulted yours while you never got down to that level, you just dissed her for making poor life choices with a man that, if we're being real, probably had a ton of red flags (Going all "look at how smart my high-IQ ass is uwu" never bodes well).

My heart still goes out to Alba, I'd chalk that up to her dealing with a ton of severe repressed betrayal compounded with the fear of what life will look like after the divorce. But she's still a grown-a** woman who has no business insulting a neurodivergent child; it's her responsibility to manage her emotions gracefully, without disrespecting you or your family.

Edit: Just to be clear, I'm not making excuses for what Alba said, don't get it twisted. She's still a grown woman who insulted a child. Really damning that she behaved that way in front of her own son, too. I just make it a point to see where behavior like that comes from if I can help it.

dart1126 wrote:

NTA. She lobbed the first grenade. Pretending to profess concern for your son and basically blaming any issues on your husband, and literally saying you shouldn’t have married your husband nor had your kid….and married someone else and had a different ’better’ kid…that’s awful.

MustangTheLionHeart wrote:

NTA - Alba was enjoying the view from her high horse after being dragged through the mud. She thought “here is my opportunity to show I’m still better than someone else” and took a way lower blow than you did.

She attacked your innocent young child’s intelligence and basically said his future accomplishments won’t matter when compared to her own kid. You on the other hand went after an obnoxious, cheating, AH whom she chose to be with. Hopefully Alba can get over herself cuz otherwise her son will have no friends.

Severe_Chicken213 wrote:

NTA. I think you should send a post out to all these shitty friends of yours. “In my own home our friend Alba saw fit to insult both my husband and son for their learning disabilities.

She dared to tell me that I should have chosen a smarter husband, so I could have smarter children like hers. I married the smartest man I know. He was smart enough to save my life, smart enough to marry me, and smart enough to build a beautiful family with me.

He has supported me for years during my own studies, and now he’s hard at work pursuing his own education and I couldn’t be prouder of him. I am sure there is not a one of you who would tolerate your partners and children having their intelligence insulted in such a way, so I do not see why you’d expect the same from me.

Alba is no longer a friend to me, and anyone who shares her opinion is more than welcome to exit my life.” And I think you should stop being a friend to Alba because what message will it send to your husband and kids that you’re friends with a woman who thinks they are stupid/lacking as people?

Sources: Reddit
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