'AITA for reminding my stepmother that she chose to not be a grandmother?'
"AITA for reminding my stepmother that she chose to not be a grandmother?"
My father married my stepmother when I was 20. She had two young teenagers at the time who I have always referred to as my step-siblings, but because of our ages and never living with them, we were never particularly close, although we get along just fine.
When I was 30, I had my first child and I asked her what she wanted to be called by my son and she did not want to be any form of "grandmother," just wanted to be called by her first name (let's call her Nancy).
My three children are now young adults and have never really had much of a relationship with Nancy aside from as Gramps's wife. Everyone gets along fine, she has just never treated them as grandkids.
Her choice. Over the years, she has said how she can't wait to be a grandmother, it's her dream. My step-siblings (Nancy's children) are both in committed, long term relationships and have both chosen to not have children. I am now 53, re-married to a great guy with two children of his own (young adults). The oldest is getting married soon and can't wait to have kids.
We were all chatting about this at Christmas and I mentioned that I couldn't wait to be a grandma, talking with my step-daughter about what her mom wants to be called, what I'll be called, etc. My kids consider their step-sibs family, and vice versa. We rarely even use the "step" part. I will treat all my grandkids the same, whether they are technically my step-grands or not.
Anyway, later in the day I walked into the room where Nancy and my step-daughter were chatting and overheard Nancy say how devastated she is that she never had any grandchildren and how it was the thing she had always dreamed of. My step-daughter said "I'm confused, don't you have 3?" Nancy responded and said "no, they're not mine, they're my husband's."
At that point, I spoke up and said "they could always have been yours too, but you didn't want to be their grandma." Nancy didn't say much, just "I know, but it's not the same." I then just told my step-daughter that it was all the same to me and she hugged me.
The next day, my dad called and said that I hurt Nancy's feelings and that I should have said something way sooner if I wanted the kids to call her a form of grandma. I responded that it wasn't an issue for me, it was her choice. I was just pointing out that she could have had the role and she chose not to, but that it hurt me that she now complains that she never had any grandchildren.
Just a difference of opinion, I guess? AITA here? Should I have just kept my mouth shut? I hate that I hurt her feelings, but I wanted to be clear to my (step)daughter that I didn't share the same feelings. My dad says that Nancy felt I was rude for "calling her out" but I think I was just defending how it played out and how I hope it plays out differently with my family. AITA?
The internet had so much to say in response.
Longjumping_Play_175 wrote:
Ha, this was my mom, I'm the black sheep of the family cut me off for getting pregnant too young (21) Saying she was too young to be a grandma and didn't speak to me for 15years. Now she's all I can't wait for Grandbabies my Golden Child Sis has decided she's child free - Suck it Shirley.
BerryMonstah wrote:
NTA. Nancy made her bed when she chose to be "First Name Only" instead of Grandma. It's not rude to remind her of that choice when she’s rewriting history for sympathy points. If Nancy's feelings are hurt, that's between her and the mirror, not you.
Turmeric_Ping wrote:
NTA. Nancy made her choices and now she regrets them. If it's uncomfortable for her to be reminded of that, it's on her to deal with it.
Baby_Doll_Small wrote:
NTA. You were just being real. Nancy made her choice years ago not to be called grandma, so it’s hard to hear her regret something she had control over. You weren’t rude, just pointing out the truth, especially in front of your step-daughter.
It’s not wrong to feel hurt when she talks about not having grandkids, knowing she chose that path. Hopefully, this opens up a better conversation with her and your dad. Don’t stress over this sweetie.
lovebeinganah wrote:
NTA. In that conversation your stepdaughters feelings take precedence over step mothers. It was important that you reemphasize to stepdaughter that you are ready willing and able to be grandma and everyone would be treated the same.
Step mothers feeling are subordinate because she’s a grown woman who made her choices and it sounds like she doubled down on the step vs “real” when she said “…it’s not the same."
nonchalantenigma wrote:
I don’t think Nancy would have ever see you and yours as anything other than her husband’s family. For her, she never had grandkids. However I think you are NTA. You proved to your stepdaughter (the one Nancy was complaining to) that she is your child and her kids will be your grandchildren.
I think for your stepdaughter, this is important because Nancy was trying to, whether consciously or unconsciously, enforce that steps could not be true family.
OP responded:
Yes! I always want ALL my kids to feel 100% part of the family.
No-Significant-8622 wrote:
NTA. Your dad should act like a man, and a grandfather. He shouldn't be blaming you for calling her out. She made a choice about what she wanted to be called and how she looked at your kids. Choices often come with consequences.
Now that those consequences have come to light, she is embarrassed and like so many others who find themselves in her position, she decides to play the martyr and is faking hurt feelings. Your kids are better off just calling her Nancy, the woman married to our grandpa.