'AITA for replying no when MIL asked if I would apologize for my wife/her daughter?'

"AITA for replying no when MIL asked if I would apologize for my wife/her daughter?"

My wife lost her dad 9 months ago. We leaned a few days later she was pregnant. For a few weeks she had such a hard time coping with the fact she was expecting our first child after losing her dad, and the fact he would never get to meet his grandkids or live to be a living, breathing grandfather.

She ended up seeking therapy because it was a struggle for her to get back on track. I was doing everything I could to support her. In that time MIL was around a lot. My wife was their only child so MIL leaned on her and sought out the comfort of having family.

They grew closer than ever before and slowly MIL started spending less time with us. But she'd still stop by and they wanted MIL to be there for a 3d/4d ultrasound my wife was booked in for. I was also there, of course.

On the day of, MIL showed up with a man and introduced him as her boyfriend. She said she wanted to include him in such a special moment. My wife said he was not coming into the room with us and they argued before my wife told MIL to leave. MIL and my wife fought more afterward because my wife didn't say hi or anything to MILs boyfriend.

And because MIL felt my wife should have been more open to including him. Things became tense because my wife told MIL she couldn't be around him yet. MIL tried pushing and pushing but my wife held firm. When my wife had our baby she let MIL know and MIL wanted her and the boyfriend to visit to meet *their* grandchild.

My wife said she could come but he was not welcome. A week later, just this past weekend in fact, MIL dropped by to confront my wife over this. MIL told her she was being selfish and how her boyfriend is lovely and would be a wonderful grandfather and how she can't force them apart.

My wife said that's fine. If she can't come without him then she'd just have to accept it. MIL said she doesn't have to. Just accept him and let our child have a grandfather. Accept having another older male presence in her life. My wife lost her temper and yelled at MIL that the boyfriend is not our child's grandfather, is not anything to her and nobody she dates will ever be able to fill those shoes.

Then my wife left the room and went to cry. She wanted some space so I gave it to her and told MIL she needed to leave. MIL wouldn't leave at first and then she goes "I suppose you'll apologize for her now" and I just said no.

Nothing else, just no. And then I was able to get her to leave. She made some kind of angry face at me and told me I didn't need to be so rude about saying no. That I didn't need to mock her. AITA?

The internet was quick to share their opinions.

faulty_rainbow wrote:

NTA. Oh my god that's so f-ing creepy! Bringing a boyfriend you guys have never met to one of the most intimate and private events of her daughter? I can't even form a full sentence after this lol, MIL is insane, rude and completely unhinged. Your poor wife though, I'm so sorry for her (both your) loss!

OP responded:

It was definitely a strange choice and insensitive to my wife. She knows how much my wife struggled after FIL died and we know MIL struggled a lot too. But she made a choice to date again, she was ready (hopefully) but she was aware of what was going on while my wife was blindsided by this random person with her mom for something that was meant to be a special moment for the three of us.

Critical_sinking wrote:

Obvious NTA, but I wonder if MIL is in trouble? She was in a vulnerable place and I wonder if the new BF is the one insisting on this stuff, as a manipulative means to drive a wedge between MIL and her family members (which, seems like it's working!) Keep consistent -- let MIL know she is welcome, but if she wants to heal this relationship, she needs to do it without the new man.

That their expectations so far have been inappropriate. And that if BF is a good and caring and deserving partner, he'll understand that a relationship with the rest of the family will come later, once the grief is not so raw.

OP responded:

I don't get that sense. At most I think she might not be truly ready and is just looking to find ways to not focus on her grief. Or maybe she is and she's too deep into the honeymoon period and is forgetting her daughter is also grieving and was startled by her actions.

GamesDontStop wrote:

NTA. You don't bring a boyfriend to meet the family at an ultrasound; even the BF should have known that. The MILs comments make it seem like she's trying to fill in the void that the FILs passing left; and she's doing it quickly. I hope she's not rushing into things.

If your MIL wants to introduce the new BF to your child, she needs to take the time to introduce him to you and your wife away from the kid. And based on what's happened so far, it's going to take a lot of time. Don't apologize to your MIL. You should have just laughed at her comment and told her to get out.

NoHorseNoMustache wrote:

MIL wanted to bring a stranger into your wife's ultrasound and that guy was apparently also fine with it, that's messed up. NTA and it sounds like you don't need her around.

LunarEclipse0204 wrote:

NTA - Thank you for sticking up for your wife!!!

MIL felt my wife should have been more open to including him - Umm... no MIL had no right to even bring him to the ultrasound.

MIL needs to realize just because she is on a rebound that doesn't mean your wife has to accept anyone especially when it's being forced on her. Please keep this woman away from your child until she seeks therapy.

Pumpkinpowerful3292 wrote:

NTA. At all. Your MIL is the most pushiest person I have ever heard about. After 9 months she is pushing this person to be a replacement father and grandfather? Oh, hell no. And this: 'She made some kind of angry face at me and told me I didn't need to be so rude about saying no. That I didn't need to mock her.' I would have said yes, we do need to mock you and rude and not caring about her at all.

She deserved that and much. much more. The audacity of some people indeed knows no bounds. So, you have to create one, a firm boundary to excise this person from your family's life. She isn't worth any consideration whatsoever based upon her abhorrent actions.

Character-Twist-1490 wrote:

MIL has some fantasy in her head that new bf can make everyone feel better and take on the roles of your dead fil. Ot doesn't work like that If he makes her feel better good, but it'll take time for him to be considered family if he ever is...start suggesting therapy to her if she brings it up again because you're concerned about her.

That she would risk her relationship with daughter and grandchild over a man she's only known a few months. People do weird things when grieving but the reality is this is hurtful to your wife and a bit creepy even if it wasn't to have him pushed in like this...dude the ultrasound??? Wtf.

tigerz0973 wrote:

God FIL is barely cold and she’s bringing new ‘gramps’ round 🙄 I’m not surprised wife isn’t having any of it! Losing a parent at anytime is difficult finding out you’re pregnant just afterwards is definitely gonna mess with your emotions. If MIL is happy with the new man then good for her but forcing him onto her daughter as a replacement grandparent is a bog no no!