'AITA for repurposing the wedding fund and refusing to compromise?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for repurposing the wedding fund and refusing to compromise?"
SO (significant other) forgot to save up for DS. I have 2 kids, DD (12) and DS (6). Different dads. My ex, DD's father, and I have a joint savings account where we've been depositing £10 per week each since I found out I was pregnant with her. After 13 years, at £20 a week between us, her account has £13,240, and is going up by a little over a grand a year.
When I found out I was pregnant with DS, I created another savings account for him. DH, his father, had a preexisting savings account with a couple hundred in it and thought he could build off that, so we have separate savings accounts for DS.
After 7 years, at £10 a week, the account I have for DS has £3,610. If DH was also contributing £10 a week, the way my DD's dad is for her, DS would have over £7000, but as DH uses a separate account I couldn't keep track the way I could with my DD's account.
DH says that the account for DS that he controls only has a couple hundred, so while our son should have over 7k in savings already, he has less than 4k. It looks like not only has DH consistently forgot to put money in, but he's withdrawn 2 amounts, one for half the cost of our son's school uniform and one for the cost of his football kit.
The idea of these accounts is that the kids get them when they turn 18 and they aren't touched in the meantime, so they can use them to help fund uni or put money towards a car or use it for rent or even if they just want something really impractical and stupidly expensive that they can't afford otherwise.
I make a bit more than DH (but not much). I could afford to mass deposit the missing money right now, and have to tighten our belts next month, or I could put double in my son's account until the difference is made up, which would be about 7 years from now.
DH thinks I should either total and then equally divide the amount in both accounts between the kids or take what's missing from DD's account. DH says he can't afford to make up the difference right now himself, and he won't be able to do £20 a week for 7 years until the amount is made up.
We have shared savings, about 2k in the emergency fund, and a joint account for household stuff eg food and bills. We could take it from that, but the emergency fund is for emergencies. It just doesn't seem fair that DD has significantly more than DS has but IDK how to fix it without being unfair to her.
Info: Technically he's actually Damn Fiance, not Damn Husband, but we've been together 7 years, lived together for as long, and are wedding planning. I make the most of all the parents, followed by my fiance, followed by Ex (DD's father). Taking money from DD was never an option as far as I was concerned, but it's what he suggested.
So the wedding fund has about 2k in it. I thought it was less but I just sat down and counted it all out (it's literally a jar of cash). I could just put the wedding fund as it stands in DS's account without having to touch the emergency savings, and if I did that then DS would be a lot closer to where he should be and DH would only have to pay double for a couple years to make up the difference.
The commenters did not hold back.
totally-not-a-koala wrote:
He lied to you about $10 a week for over seven years, and asked you to steal from your daughter to make up for it. You’re still going to marry him? ESH. Edit: ESH is my judgment if OP goes thru with marrying this guy. And it seems like she is. So, ESH.
OP responded:
We're taking a break as of about 20 minutes ago.
[deleted] wrote:
Heads up: Taking a break = broken up. You've broken up. You might not look at it that way, but he will.
OP responded:
Yup. We've broken up. Was going to "take a break" before deciding but the more I think about all the red flags the angrier I get at both myself and him.
Ladygytha wrote:
First, please do not steal from your DD's account in order to make up for your D(amn)H's poor financial planning. Have him move the money from his savings account into the one you have for DS and have him at least start depositing £10 per week in there. Perhaps you can up your contribution to £15 per week until DH can afford to do so, as well.
The difference between your ex and your husband's care of their children's future is glaring, btw. And that your husband is suggesting taking from your daughter to fix his f-k up with his son is atrocious. Don't do it.
OP responded:
That was never something I considered, just DH's suggestion. I did say he should do that but he said that he wasn't going to have me monitor it like he was a child that needed supervision/reminding.
Not long after posting, OP jumped on with an update.
Update:
I asked him again why he didn't have the money. He said he just didn't. I asked him to bring up his bank statement, or payslip, or anything that shows how much money he has (bearing in mind he was last paid on the 28th and today is the 30th).
He refused. I told him that if we were combining finances in any way I should be able to see where his money is going. He responded that I wasn't showing him my financial information, so I pulled up my banking app so he could see my own balance and transaction history.
He then showed me his last statement, which his bank emailed him today. We had a fight and he's staying in a hotel tonight, which it turns out he can more than afford.
He has nearly 60k in his personal current account and savings accounts, presumably meant solely for himself. I cannot see us getting married after this. Not ever. It's not just the trust issue, but also that he, knowing he had nearly 60k in savings, decided that it was okay to try and guilt trip me into taking money meant for my daughter to fix it for him.
The comments kept coming.
lemonade_sparkle wrote:
Yeah, no. Your sh-te of a DH who has stolen from his own son is now proposing that you steal from your own daughter and your daughter’s father so that there is more money in his son’s account to steal from in the future.
And don’t kid yourself, he has stolen from there before and will keep stealing from there. He already lied about funding the account. He then took money from it without your permission or knowledge. That is st--ling. There are no consequences to this st--ling, so he will keep going.
Do not stoop to his level and steal from your daughter. It’s not fair DS doesn’t have the same, but the reason for that isn’t you. The reason is that your DH is a thief who robs his own child, whereas for all the faults your ex no doubt has, he has at least been reliable and honest with DD’s money.
tiberiustheterrible wrote:
Pretty sure your ex wouldn’t appreciate you taking from his daughter for not his son's account. That would wildly piss me off and I’m as easy going about money as can be.
NoisyBalllicker wrote:
Freeze the account so money can't be withdrawn. Then watch husband set up an automatic withdrawal so he can't forget to add to it. Tell him you will not be stealing from one child to cover for his shortcomings. Also you don't appreciate the untrue guilt trip.
Don't take from your emergency fund unless it's a true emergency. Christmas is coming and people will be posting for extra help. Perhaps he can pick up a part time job to cover the difference. You will get to spend more time with DS so double bonus.
Weeks later, OP shared yet another update.
So for those just joining us, my fiance, the father of my youngest (of 2) children, had told me for years that he had an account that he was putting £10 a week in for the child that is biologically related to him, to match the separate account I had where I was also putting in money for our son. Turns out he was lying.
He had a couple hundred when he should have had over 10x that. His solution was to take money from my daughter, who is not biologically related to him, because myself and her biological father have both been contributing £10 a week each since I got pregnant.
He then tried to guilt me into giving my son the money meant for my daughter, saying if I didn't then I would be showing favouritism, and I was stuck as I felt that whatever I did I would be being unfair to at least one person. A short while ago I asked to see my fiance's bank statement, as it is sent out on the 30th of every month and he gets paid on the 28th.
He immediately got cagey, and said that it wasn't fair as I wasn't showing him my accounts, so I used my banking app to show him my accounts, and he, eventually, begrudgingly, brought up his own. He has more than 3x what is missing from our son's savings account in his current account, plus an additional savings account with 4x that.
So essentially after leading me to believe he had put aside 3.5k for our son, he admitted he had only allotted him a few hundred, when I had actually put aside the 3.5k to combine with his. He then, instead of admitting he had NEARLY SIXTY GRAND AT HIS DISPOSAL HE TOLD ME TO TAKE MONEY FROM MY DAUGHTER TO GIVE TO OUR SON.
When I asked him what he thought he was doing he replied that he didn't see the point to creating a savings account for our son for when he turns 18 as he is currently 6. I explained the whole concept of saving up again and he repeated that our son wouldn't need the money for years, so what's the point of building it up for the last 7 years, and for the next 11.
I told him that he could have just told me this 7 years ago instead of lying to me, and he could have told me the truth any point in the last few days, where I have been tearing my hair out over what to do to make it up to our son, and he has watched me struggle over deciding what to do and dismissed me as being dramatic and worrying over nothing.
He is currently staying in a hotel, and we are officially broken up. I don't see me forgiving him any time soon but we have a son to think about so if absolutely nothing else I'm going to have to figure out how to be in the same room as him.
The internet was deeply invested.
-purple-is-a-fruit- wrote:
That's interesting. He has 60k but he's been raiding his son's account to pay for things. He's also only put a small amount in the wedding fund and is making it look like he's broke. OP, I think you're probably only scratching the surface of what is going on here. There's a lot of weird things that aren't adding up.
ysabelsrevenge wrote:
Honey, you don’t need to explain to your son about why he has less.
Your fiancé does.
It’s mother freaking disappointing, but it’s not something you can fix. You’ve put aside the same amount for your daughter, that you have for your son. His father hasn’t. He’s the one who should be shamed.
Budgiejenn wrote:
If you ever take him back...if...the first thing he would have to do is deposit that missing money into your son’s account. Make it your hill to die on.
And get counseling.