'AITA for being resentful toward my husband after he pressured me into having a baby I didn’t want?'
"AITAH for being resentful toward my husband after he pressured me into having a baby I didn’t want?"
I (31F) have been married to my husband (33M) for six years. Before we got married, we had a clear agreement that we weren’t going to have kids. I’ve never wanted to be a parent, and I thought he felt the same.
About two years ago, he started changing his mind. At first, it was little comments like, “Wouldn’t it be fun to have a little one running around?” Then it turned into serious conversations where he said he couldn’t imagine his life without being a dad.
I told him I still didn’t want kids, but he kept saying, “You’d be such a great mom!” or “You might feel differently once it’s your own.” Eventually, I gave in. I figured maybe he was right, and I didn’t want to lose my marriage over this. Now we have a 7-month-old baby, and while I love my child, I can’t shake the feeling that this life isn’t what I wanted.
I’m constantly exhausted, my career has taken a backseat, and I feel trapped in a role I didn’t ask for. My husband, on the other hand, is thriving. He loves being a dad but works long hours, leaving most of the parenting to me. Recently, I told him I’m struggling and feel like I was pressured into this.
He got upset and said I was being unfair because I “agreed” to have the baby. He thinks I just need to adjust and stop dwelling on what I wanted before. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I don’t want my child to ever feel unloved. But I can’t help but resent my husband for pushing me into something I was so clear about not wanting. AITAH?
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
kg_sm wrote:
“Leaving most of the parenting to me.”
It’s the reason a growing # of women don’t want kids while men still more frequently do. I’m fearful if this situation myself OP.
All the guys I know think they’ll be these great dads taking on an equal responsibility, and I think they mean it. The women I know, we just don’t see it. While not a universal truth, we grew up seeing our moms give more, in ways that are often hard to describe like the cognitive and emotional load, and we’re - whether explicitly or in-explicitly - trained to follow in this footsteps.
When talking to my guy friends it’s often ‘well I’m going to do 50% of the chores and stuff of course.’ I think they will. And then I ask about what about the newborn phase? And they go, ‘of course I’ll still do 50%!’ like it’s a positive thing. And to me, it’s an indicator that for the woman it won’t feel like enough.
After birth, I’m going to need you to do 80 - 100% of the chores to feel like it’s equal. I’m breastfeeding, exhausted, and recovering from childbirth. I’m also scared that to many men, 50% of chores is only visualized as 50% of physical chores like dishes and not planning or scheduling or seeing breastfeeding as a chore. When I hear men talk about kids it’s about how cute it will be to have a little one running around.
Taking them to sports. Or gymnastics etc. it’s romanticized. When I hear women talk about it, it’s about how much work it will be, the costs, the career setback. A lot of men just don’t seem to know the true workload in child raising nor expect to be doing most of it. And I think that difference is scaring off women plus the additional fear of pregnancy.
Realistic-Animator-3 wrote:
Daycare for the baby and get your career back on track. He loves being a dad because he isn’t home most of the time and nothing has changed concerning his career. His days are basically the same as before the baby, with the exception of whatever time he spends with the child.
He got what he wanted, has little change in his routine, job unaffected, and doesn’t seem to care how you feel. NTA, but resentment will eat you alive. Take back your life and what you wanted for it.
GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU wrote:
NTA. Should have divorced him instead of giving in to the pressure. Please don't take out the resentment on the child, if you start having those feelings get some help. (Not saying you WILL, just saying in case.) And probably divorce your hubbie regardless.
Standard_Edge_9417 wrote:
Men want to be parents because they get to be a dad. They don't have to carry the baby, birth it, in most cases be the primary caregiver, because in most cases it "makes sense" for the women to leave their career/put it on hold.
Men mostly get to leave when they want l, to their job, to their mates, whatever without feeling a lot of guilt, bother knowing how or when to chip on and help out. They may find it hard to "soothe" the baby cause "mum does it better" and leave all those parts to the mum.
NTA. I wish more men understood and really see the role for how hard it is. Some are coming around. But if they choose to, they really get the easy end of the stick and many don't want that to change