'AITA for ripping a shirt, in front of my Mom, that she just bought me? I've asked her to stop.'

"AITA for ripping a shirt, in front of my Mom, that she just bought me?"

I (16M) love my mom (46F). She’s a very nice and sweet lady and she goes out of her way for me and my brothers. However she takes it a bit too far.

One of the things she does is buy me clothes. Whenever she goes somewhere that isn’t Walmart or a grocery store she has a brand new shirt or new jeans. It’s very nice of her, but there’s two problems. A) The shirts she buys are very ugly. You know those shirts at JC penny that are just sitting on a random shelf, the ones with like a palm tree on them or something? That’s what she gets me.

B) She’s been doing this for a few years. I am up to my AH in new clothes. I have like 12 shirts I wear regularly, the rest still have the tags on them. Whenever she goes to the Salvation Army and I hand her all these clothes she complains about it.

So I decided to bring this up with her and told her I appreciate the thought, but I do not want her to buy me clothes anymore. She said ok. But she still buys me clothes all the time. At first I begrudgingly accepted them and told her to stop. Then I began to refuse the shirts and told her to return them.

She returns them, but still buys clothes. She has even started to complain about how much she has to return shirts now. Anyway, it kept going and I kept getting louder about it, making it clear I do NOT want her to buy me clothes anymore. I reached a boiling point and decided I wasn’t going to be polite about it anymore.

I told her flat out the next time she buys me new clothes, I’m either throwing them away or ripping it, because apparently asking her “No” is not enough. Again, she just said “Ok I’ll stop.” Well, you can probably guess what happened next. She came back from the store and the first thing she said to me was “I know you told me to stop buying you clothes, but…” and pulled out another ugly shirt.

I took it, put my foot in the neck hole and ripped the thing down the middle. I just handed it back to her and walked off. She’s been pretty upset about it and has actually been crying about it. We haven’t talked since (it’s been a day and a half) and we’ve been kind of avoiding each other. My brothers get where I’m coming from but think I took it a step too far.

My Dad is on the fence about it, I’ve talked to him about this before and he agrees with me but I also don’t think he wants to take my side on a subject she’s this distraught about. I feel rotten about it, but at the same time I’ve asked her for months to stop, and I was pretty patient about up until like 3 weeks ago and I didn’t know what else to do.

Don’t twist this, I love my Mom and recognize how much she cares for me. I want to apologize but I feel like if I do this problem will persist. I know it’s a nice gesture but she also knows how much it annoys me and still she does it. AITA here?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

CuriousEmphasis7698 wrote:

NTA. It sounds like actually destroying the shirt was the last step borne out of sheer screaming frustration because after repeatedly asking her to not but more shirts, and then making her return shirts, and giving her piles of unused shirts to go as donations Mom still wasn't getting the message to stop buying stuff.

If gentle methods weren't working, and based on OP's post, they weren't working after multiple discussion attempts and even extracting promises that the shirt buying would stop, sometimes drastic measures are in fact called for.

Middle_Raspberry2499 wrote:

NTA.

Have you ever asked your mom why she buys you clothes? Try asking on a long car trip when it’s just the two of you. And then pls come back here and tell us; I really want to know!

Fit-Try7808 wrote:

NTA It sounds like your mom could definitely use some therapy. It comes across as a shopping addiction mixed with a little bit of being afraid that you're growing up too fast. And she can't handle that. You don't need her as much as you used to.

grandoptimist75 wrote:

NAH. I may get lambasted but here goes...my mom used to do the same. She used to buy me pink stuff all the time, clothes, sheets even though I told her so many times I hate pink. I was never mad about it, it started being a running joke. It was just funny every time she gave me something pink. It just wasn't a big deal because I know it came from a place of love, annoying or not.

My mother passed away 11 years ago and I miss her terribly still every day. I would give anything to get pink shit from her again. Just try and look at it differently. Your mom doesn't mean any harm, she just thinks about you when she sees something. You will miss that one day when she is gone.

Busy-Pomegranate6889 wrote:

You’re NTA on paper, but IRL you’re, unfortunately, a small AH. You’re probably on the cusp of realising that parent are really just people, and not the hero’s we spend our whole adolescent lives looking up to. And like all people, they’re deeply flawed and actually have zero idea what they’re doing. Even your dad in this situation is “urrrmmm idk”. Surprise!

You did really well asserting yourself and repeatedly trying to set your boundaries. It takes some mums a lifetime to understand that their baby is now an adult and they can, and do, live a life that’s different from what they imagined. Your mum is probably feeling like you’re still a kid. But you’re not. It’s ok to choose what you want to wear.

She also feels that she’s loosing that close connection you had when you were younger and did wear whatever she’d like, go where ever shed like, constantly look up to her as that hero figure. And the more you “rebel” the more she thinks she can fix it by doing what she did when you were younger. When mum comes back from the store with a toy, kids are excited and show their love.

Problem is you’re not a child anymore. And as much as your mum should realise this on her own, she’s probably going to need some coaching through it. If it were me I’d ask your mum if you can take her out for a coffee, your treat, or go for a walk around the neighbourhood with a coffee you’ve made.

This puts you in neutral ground, where you’re also showing her you care about her. Start by telling your mum you’re sorry that you ripped the shirt and it made her upset. This isn’t saying you’re sorry you ripped the shirt. It’s saying you’re sorry your actions made her sad. Next say, you understand how these gifts are her saying she loves you, and you love her too.

That you’d like to arrange a day to go shopping, just the two of you. Together. (Yes this is beyond boring and my idea of a nightmare too, but suck it up). Then say you know you’re changing and growing, but what’s not changing is that you love her, you just need a bit more autonomy.

A bit of space to spread your wings. It sounds like you’re a great person. Try to remember parents are flawed people, and so you need consciously invest time to make them feel included and valued, just like any relationship. It’s possible to do this and stick to your boundaries.