"AITA for ruining a BBQ party to teach my bf a lesson?"

This happened about 9 months ago last summer but we are fighting about it now. A little background for context. My boyfriend (24M) Adam (fake name) and I have been together for just over 3 years. I am 23M if that matters. We have a fairly stable relationship but he has this habit of agreeing to things for us or on my behalf without telling me. It drives me crazy. He knows he does this

Onto the actual incident. We were going to a BBQ party hosted by some of his Uni friends In my mind this was a get together in the afternoon. After 8 morning shifts I was tired and looking forward to relaxing. I got home and got ready. Adam then admitted that he told the host about my baking hobby and that I had agreed to bake fancy desserts for the BBQ.

The time was now almost 3, he deliberately waited till the last possible moment in time to tell me so I would argue less and just make something quickly that would "chill in their fridge" while we were having food. I. Was. Livid I admit. We argued. I accused him of knowing he was doing wrong and still doing it. He denied it.

I was so angry that I called the taxi, with him asking what I was doing. I told him I was just buying something cheap and that I was done with this whole "last minute use my easy embarrassment against me to do what you want" thing. He tried reasoning in the taxi but I shut him down.

We ended up arriving about 20 minutes past four the hosts greeted us and she looked surprised at the store bought food. She asked if everything was okay and I replied with brutal honesty what happened. That he agreed to me baking without consulting me and she then informed me he told her I agreed to bake things almost two weeks ago. I lost my temper again and had a shouting match with him.

We fought upstairs away from the main party but it was obvious everyone knew we were fighting. We left after I apologised to the host but everyone looked embarrassed. We fought again at home, him saying I humiliated him and ruined the party, that I should have stayed home if I was that upset or just fought later in private and that the host didn't need to know our business and now I looked petty.

Found out later the party was awkward for a while until alcohol overtook the atmosphere. I don't want to keep fighting about this but I also don't want to cave and apologise when I don't think I need to. I did deliberately pull no punches with the the host and told her what he did when she asked about the store desserts. I am just so sick of him pulling this crap all the damn time.

I am starting to think he is right. AITA? If I was the a$$hole I will apologise to him and settle this.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Sendintheaardwolves said:

NTA. Yeah, I guess in an ideal world, you wouldn't have argued at the party and made people feel uncomfortable, but sometimes you need to have a big blow up, especially if the other person is relying on social pressure to make you play nice. He assumed you'd cave rather than make a scene - he found out he was wrong :)

The important thing is - does your boyfriend still volunteer your time/effort or has this cured him of that particular bit of a$$holery?

[deleted] said:

NTA. But the host was. Should not have questioned the store bought dessert. Just graciously accept it and move on.

fromthesamestory said:

NTA. Why are you with someone that withholds information from you? It's lying and manipulating.

Thrwforksandknives said:

NTA. That's definitely a shitty thing to do. he agrees to have you bake something 2 weeks ago and only tells you at the last minute? Something had to give. he knew you didn't like that, but expected you to cave to avoid embarrassment and it backfired hugely.

And pendingsweet said:

ESH. He shouldn't have volunteered you to contribute to the BBQ and then manipulated the situation to try and make you feel embarrassed or guilty enough to comply. It's something he should stop doing, immediately, unless he's willing to make the desserts himself if you choose not to.

You shouldn't have used another person's BBQ to make a point - to clarify, the shouting match wasn't okay, you weren't an AH for telling her that you didn't know you'd been volunteered. He's more of an AH than you, but the lesson could have been taught without impacting another person's party.

Update:

To clear some confusion, I don't know the host, I just met her a couple of times. I did know a lot of the other people there that I was looking forward to relaxing with. We have been together almost 3 years so I know a lot of his friends but not all. I did apologise to the host. She was really disappointed when I showed up with the store bought desserts instead of the fancy ones she was promised for the last two weeks.

After explaining everything the next day she understood what was happening and forgave me for the awkward situation I put the party in. This also isn't an issue among friends, he is the only one who still gets prissy, even when some people are just joking about it.

I also made him read some of the comments and he is mad a lot of them are on my side. I haven't been able to respond to every comment but I have read them all and thank you for all the varied opinions. He is currently pissed but he has FINALLY agreed to put this god forsaken argument to rest, so progress.

I am also going to contact mutual friends to just tell me directly if they want something from me, and am going to tell his sister (who he constantly volunteers me as her kids babysitter) not to take his word anymore. She is as stubborn as him but I really am sick of babysitting with no notice or after shifts when I wanna sleep.