'AITA for 'ruining' the Holidays due to placing our mom in long term care?'

"AITA for 'ruining' the Holidays due to placing our mom in LTC?"

So, I(28m) have two siblings Theo(35M) and Abby(38F). Our mother had a stroke back in 2019 and our father passed away in early 2021. I have been taking care of her since. I dropped out of my graduate program to take care of our mom. Since January things with our mom became more stressful, increased memory issues, lack of sleep, and I was generally burnt out.

During this time my siblings did not offer any assistance. They have families and lives. It fell on me because at the time I was staying with our parents in their apartment in NY since I was going to school in NY. Each year I would fly or drive to VA so our mom can see my siblings and her grandkids. I found a place for our mom back in February and I informed my siblings they had no objection at the time.

Now that major Holidays are coming around they have been asking me if I am going to bring mom. I told them no I was not but if they wanted to take her they were 100% free to take her. I told them she is not in a prison and I did put them on the list for approved people to take her out. They told me they could not do that it would be far too complicated.

I told them that is unfortunate but I am going on vacation so I would not be available. Now all of a sudden I have everyone and their mother reaching out to me telling me how selfish and heartless I am being towards our mother. I pretty much lashed out at Theo who is hosting this year and told him off. I told him he has no right to call me selfish.

I was the one that stepped up to care for mom after her stroke and our dad passed. I handled the sleepless nights, the wandering, the outbursts, the doctors appointments. I handled getting her Medicaid, I handled everything and put my life on hold to do so. They got to see the pleasant side of our mom and if she had an outburst I was the one that had to deal with it.

Then he said I should have asked for help. He claimed he figured I had it all handled and did not need help. I told him I should not have had to ask I was 23 when mom had her stroke and 25 when dad passed. You knew I was stressed and was handling everything. I told him he did not even offer to help me setup the arrangements for our dad's funeral. Neither did Abby.

He said he cannot read minds, I should have asked. So in that moment I said fine and asked him can you come pick up mom so she can go over for Thanksgiving. I will cover the travel fare. He came up with excuses like it was short notice. I said fine what about Christmas and again came up with an excuse.

After that I told him this is why I did not ask because you f--ks will always come up with an excuse to get out of it. I told him that is how you two have always been.

Apologize for the borderline rant, I am just pissed at the moment.

The internet had a lot to say about the dynamic.

Briefhorror wrote:

NTA one of my siblings is not the best and just expects people to cover for them. It’s tiring and they don’t want to be wrong so you have to end up as the bad guy when you didn’t do anything good luck be prepared for some fallout.

OP responded:

Yeah, I do love how they are trying to frame it like I did not tell them. Love their selective memory cause I even asked if they wanted mom closer one of them would have to look for a place near them since I could not tour a place in VA while still actively caring for our mom in NY.

Also said if they don't want to look then one of them would have to watch our mom while I looked. I did ask for help but was brushed off.

decertotilltheend wrote:

NTA. As someone who works in LTC, you did the right thing. We see so much caregiver burn out. We are trained to work with our residents. We are trained to handle outbursts, dementia, etc. And we get relief. We get to change shifts and step away from things.

It is incredible seeing the change in some of our families once their loved one is in our care. The amount of relief they feel. They’re able to fully just think about themselves again. Your siblings suck. They’re the worst kinds of people, in my opinion. The type of people who refuse to acknowledge the stress their family member is experiencing. And who demonize placing a loved one in LTC.

Jaded-Cup4978 wrote:

NTA. Givers have to set limits because takers never do. As long as you keep giving, they'll keep taking. You have a life also. Live it just as they're living their lives.

noonecaresat805 wrote:

NTA. Good for you for making the tough but good decision of what was best for you and your mom. Your right. She’s their mom too if they wanted to help they would have done so without you having to ask.

They would have been sending you some money to hire a nurse so that you could finish school. They don’t get to ignore your mom And neglect you and now pretend to be offended because they can’t play happy family for the holidays. I hope you have an amazing vacation.

Krick__T wrote:

NTA. Sure, to an extent advocating for ourselves is important. But you left graduate school to take care of your mom. Was that not a clear enough signal you could have used the help? They also never clearly wanted to be involved if the moment the benefits go away is the first time they have a problem.

Also, your offer to pay for the travel is very generous, and his immediate negation of that is proof he is clearly unaware of how biased his stance is. He wants all the unpaid labor and mental load to be taken care of.

Also clearly because he thinks everything is too short notice. If he's married/in a long term relationship, I'd be curious how his spouse feels about their split of responsibilities. I'm so glad you put yourself first finally and also set your mom up to be cared for. Also bravo for not gatekeeping your mother's care by making them capable of taking your mother out.

You're doing everything right, fairly, and well. I don't think based on what you've said, the outburst was unwarranted. That said, this might be a great time to talk to your siblings about the responsibilities of taking care of your mom going forward.

I wouldn't bring up what youve done, since that has clearly never mattered to them and they don't value that, but I'd be very clear about what your mom needs and what you can offer going forth. And I'd stick to your limits and put it on them to fill in the rest. They have lots of demands on your mom, but think they can provide zero input. That should stop immediately. Good luck!