'AITA for ‘ruining the surprise’ my boyfriend organized for my birthday?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for ‘ruining the surprise’ my boyfriend organized for my birthday?"

My boyfriend (26M) and I (23M) have been dating for a little over eight months, and on early November it was my birthday. I was excited, as it was the first time we were going to be spending either of our birthdays together, and he had spent all of October teasing a ‘surprise’ he was planning.

Now, for context, I should mention I have a very complicated relationship with my parents. He knows this, and we have spoken in detail about why that is the case. My parents are out of my life, and have been for the past two years, he knows all this. Because of my relationship with my parents, for the last couple of years, I spent my birthday with my best friend, who I consider family.

So, when my boyfriend let it slip on my birthday that the surprise he had planned was a family dinner, I had sort of assumed it meant my sister and her husband, and my friend and her partner. I was wrong. The surprise he had planned was flying in my parents from a whole different city.

I was confused as to why he would bring them, but I might have overreacted, I don’t think I even stayed there for more than thirty minutes before I walked out of the restaurant and drove home. I don’t really remember much of it, I just couldn’t sit there and listen to my parents belittle me while my boyfriend was sitting there.

The next day, my boyfriend showed up to my place. I knew we were going to talk about the previous day, but I guess I was expecting him to apologize. He didn’t. Instead he got angry at me for ‘ruining the surprise’ he had been planning for a long time, and he said he just wanted to give me a chance to have a normal relationship with my parents.

I understand where he is coming from, I guess, but I really didn’t appreciate the way he went about it. I told him this, and he wasn’t really receptive. He just said that as my boyfriend he had a right to want to know my parents. I can really see what he means, but I can’t help to still feel like I’m owed an apology. So, AITA for ruining my birthday surprise?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Neither_Pop3543 wrote:

So he was sitting there, listening to them belittling you, and is mad you left? He wanted you to allow them to treat you more badly ON YOUR BD? NTA and dump him.

If he had realized he had listened and been horrified, realized what a dumb fantasy that had been, and apologized...yeah, well. Some people grew up blessed and have difficulty imagining others really had it differently. But when people double down on whatever they hurt you with, just realize they don't really care about you and move on.

OzSpaceCadet wrote:

NTA. He didn't plan this surprise for you, he planned it for him. He wanted to look like the good guy, the knight in shining armour who saved the day. If you wanted to reconcile with your parents, you could've taken the steps to do so, on your terms. He overstepped massively and dismissed your feelings along the way and is now blaming you for it. Get rid of this AH.

This_Grab_452 wrote:

NTA. Your boyfriend is giving very entitled/controlling vibes. Sure, he “has the right to want to know them” (lol) just as much as anyone has the right to want anything.

I want to meet a bunch of famous people and I sure as hell have the right to want it, but I’m not going to become a stalker to make it happen.

Is this a relationship ender? Probably, especially given his lack of remorse and understanding that what he did was very much out of line.

silly_panda_105 wrote:

NTA. This boy (not even a man) reeks of some sort of savior complex or something where he feels the need to step in and “do what’s right for you” instead of respecting your wishes. It’s just feeding his own ego and the fantasy in his head.

This will be something he will always do. I don’t like saying dump him…but dump him (even if he does try to apologize). You can do so much better. And you deserve so much better!

AellaReeves wrote:

NTA. Your boyfriend AND your parents are. The only people that ruined anything were your parents and your boyfriend. Instead of making up with you your parents continue their bad behaviour. Instead of standing up for you, your boyfriend allows their bad behaviour.

Your boyfriend does NOT have a right to know your parents when you removed them from your life. Then instead of seeing what shitty people they are, your boyfriend thinks you still need to have a “normal” relationship with them. You deserve a man, not a bratty little boy who thinks you did anything wrong. Give yourself an early Christmas present and dump him.

tosser9212 wrote:

"My parents are out of my life, and have been for the past two years, he knows all this."

"Instead he got angry at me for ‘ruining the surprise’ he had been planning for a long time, and he said he just wanted to give me a chance to have a normal relationship with my parents." F-k. That. S--t. This is not something a loving partner does without consent and much discussion.

Your BF doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you need to reconcile with your parents, and he doesn't get to b--ch you out when you react to such an unpleasant surprise by leaving. He's doing sh--t like this at 8 months. This will be your life: he deciding that you're not proceeding on a path he thinks best so he'll simply correct it for you. Again. F-k. That. S--t. NTA.

Four days later, OP jumped on with an update.

First of all, sorry for not replying to any comments at all. I got overwhelmed by the amount of attention the post was getting, and I didn’t really know how to deal with over a hundred people telling me to break up with my boyfriend.

We did break up. I wish I could say I confronted him with all the comments and their carefully constructed arguments. Don’t get me wrong, they definitely did help me, but I am terrified of conflict, so it’s probably not the dramatic update a lot of people were hoping for.

I should say, we did technically ‘make up’ the day after my birthday surprise/ambush. I posted about it because I was feeling discontent with how we resolved things. Now I see it’s because things weren’t resolved at all, he just made me apologize about it without giving me an opportunity to be angry.

I thought I could tell him to come to my apartment next week, so I had more time to figure out a natural way to bring it up, and then when we had a conversation about it we could move on from it. I ended up bringing it up after we had lunch together yesterday, while I was driving him back to his place. I hadn’t even meant to do it, but I didn’t know how to behave with the underlying anger that I now had.

So, in the end I just asked him why he had done it, trying my best not to sound angry as I generally don’t like being angry. He said he “wanted to get to know the people that raised me.” His answer was BS for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one is that I have literally told him that my older sister is the person that raised me.

When he met her and her husband, we all joked that it was like meeting-the-parents. I told him that he had every right to ‘want’ to meet whoever he wanted, but he had no right to go behind my back and force me to be around people I have cut out of my life.

The next thing he said is truly what made me break up with him. He said he “doesn’t understand how someone can stop talking to their family.” I cannot stress enough how many times I have explained to him why I have stopped talking to my parents. He has asked more than once.

After he said that I think I had a realization. He doesn’t understand me, he has made no efforts to do so. So I told him that after I dropped him off at his place I didn’t want to see him anymore because I don’t want to put in effort with someone that doesn’t care about what I want.

He didn’t take that well, but his emotions are not my problem anymore. Right now, I mostly feel really sad. I know I’m probably better off like in the long run, but break ups suck, and I did love him. I think I’ll be okay, I really appreciate everyone’s support.

The internet offered OP a lot of support.

Remote-Physics6980 wrote:

Sometimes people are in our lives to teach us what not to accept and what to look for as not acceptable. This man taught you a very important boundary and he also taught you to make sure people are listening to you. You can do that by looking at their actions. Not their words. I know this hurt, but take the lesson and you'll never have to repeat it. 🫂

KaliTheBlaze wrote:

I’m sorry you went through that, but you should be proud of yourself. Your partner treated you badly, and instead of blaming yourself or coming up with ways you were also at fault, you recognized that he chose his understanding of “family” over your well-being and mental health. You didn’t accept bring steamrolled by him and stood up for your own needs and desires.

It sucks to experience having to do that. The people who love us should listen to us and respect us, and I’m sorry that you’re having to experience yet another person failing you in that regard (on top of your parents doing it).

The fact that you won’t stand for that even though you were raised with your well-being not mattering suggests that you’ve got a lot of strength and a good sense of how you deserve to be treated, which will stand you in good stead all your life.

It’s normal to be sad when someone you love treats you badly. It hurts when they do it severely enough that you know the relationship can’t continue. Don’t feel like you have to minimize that - let yourself grieve, and be kind to yourself.

RivSilver wrote:

I'm so sorry you went through that, and for the grief you're processing now, but I'm also proud of you for standing up for yourself and your value as a person. It sucks and it's hard, but also it's done and you can move forward from him. Maybe think of something you haven't done in a while or you loved and he doesn't that you can go do and relax into being yourself in a space that's just for you.

Salamander475 wrote:

I just want to let you know that you've made a tough but really important decision for yourself. You'll come out of this even stronger and that someone who truly deserves you will come into your life—someone who will listen, understand, and appreciate you more.

StuffedSquash wrote:

"So I told him that after I dropped him off at his place I didn’t want to see him anymore because I don’t want to put in effort with someone that doesn’t care about what I want. He didn’t take that well, but his emotions are not my problem anymore."

Dramatic updates are nice in a sitcom, but this is your real life. This is the best kind of update for a situation like yours. It's sad this is the situation he put you in but you handled it like a champ. Thank you for sharing the update!