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'AITA for running away in the middle of a date with my girlfriend to help my mother?' UPDATED

'AITA for running away in the middle of a date with my girlfriend to help my mother?' UPDATED


Figuring out when to prioritize a partner vs when to prioritize family can be a tough line.

"AITA for running away in the middle of a date with my girlfriend to help my mother?"

So I (22M) have been dating my girlfriend Susan (21F, not her real name) for a year now. Things have been great between us as we keep good communication. I'm posting this a two days after her birthday, which is also the time where the incident happened. I'd like to say that I'm very romantic, and my girlfriend can vouch that for me, as for her birthday.

I had planned a whole long-day schedule of her favorite activities, along with some extras I poked here and there, like taking her to the movies, going out to Red Lobster (despite me not enjoying sea food at all) and some more. This is the part where my mother Claudia (42F, again, not a real name) comes into play.

Due to medical issues, she's prone to having sudden epileptic att*cks with no prior warning, so me and my step-dad Robert (52M, not a real name) have always been on the look out and wary of this, hence we are in contact at least once a day. Now, my girlfriend is very well aware of this, and I've warned her since day one.

This never bothered her, and she's been always supportive of me and my father (I've grown close to him and call him dad sometimes), although my mom's attacks have gotten in the way if our hangouts once or twice before. We were out at Red Lobster, and we were midway through our meal when I got a call. I picked up the phone since it was my step dad.

I might be the AH here, because I just dropped everything and took off running, as you all can expect, my mother had an attack and my dad told me to come over. Though, by the time I arrived, my step dad told me that things were under control, and that it was just a scare because she suddenly felt dizzy, lightheaded and her head started to hurt.

I thought that'd be the end of it but it turned out to be a true attack, as she started to have a seizure in the living room and we had to rush her to the doctor. It took a good 30 minutes for her to stabilize, and I called my girlfriend to let her know that mom was okay, and that if she wanted, we could resume our date.

She told me that she didn't want to anymore, and that I was an AH for leaving her like that and ruining her special day, which she's told her friends, who've sent me messages telling me how much of an AH I am. So Reddit, am I the AH?

The comments quickly came rushing in.

DodgerGreen89 wrote:

YTA. First: “my mother is having a medical emergency that only I can handle. Do you mind if we leave right now?” At least give her a chance before “running away.” Second: this isn’t the first time it’s interrupted a date.”

Your first step is to make sure your mom and stepdad are capable of calling medical professionals when your mom is having a medical emergency. Your second step is to stop telling your mom when you’re going out on a date. You don’t just get up and run away from your gf of a YEAR. This is the kind of stunt you pull on a first date that’s not going well, and you don’t have the guts to be honest.

LittlestSlipper55 wrote:

Look, I'm going to with YTA. This is not to take away your mum's medical conditions. I understand as her son you want to be there for her and assist when she has an episode. But at the same time, life can not suddenly stop every time your step dad rings. You need to slow down and actually find out if this is a true emergency or just him calling to let you know whats up.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you saw your step dad was ringing, internally went "oh no", answered, and your step dad barely got the words "Hey, your mum..." out before you just literally dropped everything and bolted out the restaurant with zero explaination to your girlfriend, who's birthday it was you were celebrating/on a date for!!"

Again, I understand it was a severe episode that your mum experienced. But your girlfriend didn't. All she saw her boyfriend dive bomb to answer the phone and run out the door with out any words spoken leaving her all alone, (possibly very embarrassed if other people were looking on), all on her birthday.

That is sh#$ty behaviour no matter what, least of all on a day that is meant to be about her.

Next time your step dad rings and you are on a date eith your girlfriend, take a deep breath and really figure out what is going is on. Did she just have a mild episode, and he's just calling to update you?

Then maybe just let your step dad handle it next time. He himself is a grown man married to your mother, he knows what he is dealing with. If it is severe, and/or you want to err on the side of caution, then BEFORE you grab your coat and run, take the time to explain to your girlfriend your mother is having a severe epsiode and you need to go.

PennyInThoughts wrote:

YTA. Sorry mate. at that age, there should be like a plan in place to minimize disruption of other people. If not, who can function normally? Your step-dad's home, and you had to rush to doctors. I understand the scary situation and your role as her son. But dude, you can't just drop everything for a long standing chronic condition.

It is unfair for your future spouse, your own children and yourself. Honestly, if you are at work and she has an att*ck, do you actually drop everything and run to her? Because the way I see it, your girlfriend's right to be mad if you selectively put her last.

Cultural_Section_862 wrote:

Definite "I just dropped everything and took off running" bc there is a big difference between answering the phone, not acknowledging gf and literally running away and answering the phone saying to gf "mom's having an attack" and running away.

Almost two weeks later, OP shared an update.

A lot of stuff has happened the past days, and I don't even know where to start or where my head is at right now. It just feels surreal right now. Many of you will be.. Displeased, to hear this, but me and my girlfriend are still together. Apologies to those who commented but didn't got a reply, I did read each and every comment, and took them the heart.

Even the ones that came out rougher on the edges. It was eye opening, to say the least. It made me realize a lot of stuff. The same day of the original post, I messaged my girlfriend to talk with her, she told me she was at her parent's house, so I went over and we had a talk. I apologized for leaving so abruptly without making sure she was okay, but that I didn't knew any better since that's what I was raised like and what I was taught.

She said she understood and apologized for slandering me with her friends, but only wanted her opinion validated. Okay, no biggie. I told her if she ever felt second in line whenever it came to my mother and she said yes. This was making me open my eyes more and more to the situation at hand, alike the comments were pointing out. I admit I cried a bit and my girlfriend held me and consoled me.

I went to sleep on it and next morning, I took my leave to go confront my parents, my girlfriend insisted in tagging along, but understood when I told her that this was something I had to do on my own. I arrived at my parent's place, and my mom greeted me like nothing happened.

She felt something was off when I didn't reply, and I told her to sit down and have a talk with me. She looked really worried. I was blunt and outright asked if she was really sick, because the more I thought of it (more like, the more I recall the comments calling me out and her behavior) the more odd it looked.

Did she really have seizures? If she has seizures, why does she has her husband call me instead of an ambulance? I pointed out how if those were real seizures, (like I've read online) she'd be either aggressive towards us or have no idea of who she is and where she is and why.

As a few people suspected, she doesn't have seizures. It just turned out to be a controlling movement on her side to keep me around and short leashed. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced, and it genuinely made me nauseous. My whole life was built on a lie. You can tell the turmoil, anger, sadness, shock, disappointment, everything going down to me at once.

And then, my step father walked in. I only asked him once if he was a part into this, and he couldn't look me in the eye. Right then and there, I knew that I had no family anymore, so I left. On my way to work, I started getting bombarded with calls and texts from her, but I simply blocked her and ignored her. So here's where I'm sitting at right now.

The comments started rushing in.

NanaLeonie wrote:

I’m so sorry. Sometimes it takes a bunch of strangers on the Internet to tell you what they see going on and help set you free. Many of us recognize parental manipulation because we lived with it.

InstructionTop4805 wrote:

Very sorry OP. Finding out your parent is selfish and uncaring of your happiness is an awful thing to happen. Lean on the people in your life you can count on for now. Do not let Mom or SF try to guilt you back into their t*xicity. Good luck!

Aggravating-Pain9249 wrote:

You are probably going through a myriad of emotions.

You found out that your mother has purposefully manipulated you to keep you close to her.

It took courage to go NC, but it would be natural to feel guilty and alone in this world. Condor talking to a therapist to help you process all these emotions. You have been through a lot. NTA. Good luck.

Adorable_Accident440 wrote:

When did your mom's "epilepsy" start? Was it before she met your stepdad? I'm so curious how she could have gotten him to go along with her fake medical condition.

Sources: Reddit
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