'AITA for being sarcastic to my fiancé’s mother when she made uneducated comments about South Africa?' UPDATED

"AITA for being sarcastic to my fiancé’s mother when she made uneducated comments about South Africa?"

I'm a 27F from Johannesburg, South Africa. My fiancé, Will (27M), is American. We met in 2018 during my MSc (Master of Science) in England. We dated briefly but lost touch after. In 2021, he reconnected with me via Instagram, and our relationship blossomed. He’s visited South Africa a few times, and I’ve visited him in New York once.

In May 2024, he proposed to me during a visit to Johannesburg, and I happily accepted. Recently, I got time off work and visited him in New York again. We also planned a trip to Atlanta to meet his family, whom I hadn’t met before. I was excited but nervous. At first, everything seemed fine—his family welcomed me with a big dinner.

However, his mother and aunt made some stereotypical and uneducated comments about South Africa, which I found amusing but also slightly irritating. They kept asking why I sounded British and even compared me to Hermione from Harry Potter. Then, his mother said, "I’m honestly wondering how you’re South African if you’re not Black. I didn’t even know there were white people in South Africa!"

As a naturally witty and sarcastic person, I responded without thinking, saying something like, “Yeah, we just magically appeared there one day, like poof!” In hindsight, I can see how this might have been the wrong approach, but it was my immediate reaction. His mother and aunt were clearly offended, and the evening became awkward.

Will noticed the tension and got upset. When he drove me back to my hotel, he started ranting about how disrespectful I was to his mother and aunt. He talked about how important respect is in his family and didn’t let me explain. I apologised, still confused because I didn’t think much of my comment at the time—it was meant to be lighthearted.

However, Will raised his voice, expressing his disappointment and saying we’d talk about it later. Since then, he hasn’t responded to my messages or come back to the hotel to speak to me. Now, I’m wondering if I was really out of line. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, but I didn’t expect them to be so sensitive. So, AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

abubobby6 wrote:

INFO: Are your fiancé and his family Black? If so, I can see imperialism making your quip not funny to a Black family.

OP responded:

No, they're a White American family. I'm assuming their ancestry is Anglo, like me, but as far as I'm aware neither he nor anyone in his family has done an ancestry test.

wmm09 wrote:

I’m confused that they had never seen your picture. Were they surprised you were white? Or this was the first time they were able to voice it? Either way, NTA. Sounds like you matched their energy.

OP responded:

They have seen me, I think they assumed I was British because we originally met while he and I were studying in England. I don't really understand this myself and currently don't have the opportunity to ask.

Jolly_Cartoonist_258 wrote:

Oh, NTA, and I’m quite uncomfortable about this. His family was out of line, and I feel that you tried to gently call that out by deflecting with humor. Raising his voice and giving you the silence treatment are red flags, I’m afraid. If you forgive him after doing so, he’ll likely see it as permission to act like that your entire relationship.

fallingintopolkadots wrote:

NTA. It's not your fault that his parents were somehow unaware, in 2024, that there are white people in South Africa. Surely they have known about you for years, and knew that they were about to meet you. There was a time to get their facts straight about your home country and that was...any time before you walked in the door.

Your fiance absolutely should have stood up for you, and I don't know how he didn't ever consider telling his parents more about South Africa before they met you. Or why he didn't back you up and ask them why they thought that that was an appropriate question to ask, especially in the age of everyone having tiny computers in their pockets.

NaturalGarbage7674 wrote:

NTA. It's unfortunate, but one of the things South Africa is best known for is its policies of segregation and ongoing racial tensions. If they're so insular that they don't know basic international politics? That's their problem. And my bet is they're upset that you called them out on their personal failure to care about anything beyond their own lives.

Your fiancé's response is problematic. His family spent a long time questioning your very existence and being ignorant of you and your country and he didn't step in. When you called them out on it he blamed you. You need to communicate well about this, this is not the standard you want to set.

SatisfactionAntique5 wrote:

His reaction, imo, is one to pay attention to very closely. I see it as a red flag. Why? He didn't find his family's comments offensive or correct them. I would rethink the engagement. It won't get better.

Ok-Discussion9421 responded:

I agree with this statement 💯 He is ignoring you, while you are visiting from another continent, because his mommy was offended that she is ignorant about your country. And yet your fiancé is somehow not offended at all on your behalf when his mom let her ignorance fly, demonstrating she has made zero effort to learn anything about you.

If my mom said something like that, I would immediately laugh at her and remind her of some South African history that has made global headlines during her adulthood. Instead he would rather get mad at you then tell her she is wrong 🚩🚩🚩

NTA.

The next day OP came back with this update:

Hi everyone, it's been a long day, and I just wanted to update you all since many of you asked what happened.

After a restless night, Will called me around 9 this morning, saying he was coming to the hotel to talk. I was still angry, last night he gave me the silent treatment after I messaged him multiple times, and now he wants to talk on his terms? But I figured we needed to sort this out.

When he arrived, I didn’t let him speak first. I told him how hurt I was by his actions, especially how he shut me out instead of addressing the situation. He apologised, admitting he felt insecure about his family's ignorance and behaviour, and took it out on me.

He promised to make it up to me. (Though I completely forgot to ask him why he didn’t prepare them beforehand or at least tell them more about me being South African.)

He also mentioned that one thing about me that he struggles with is that I can be a bit too “masculine” in the sense that I "don’t back down, admit when I’m wrong, or know when to stay silent", and this apparently caused problems for him last night, me not holding my tongue with that quip was embarrassing to him as a display to his family.

This links back to something he’s mentioned before about how I never get too emotional or cry. He confessed that last night when he dropped me off, he was actually on the verge of tears, so he left like that. He admitted he shouldn’t have, and that it was wrong of him to leave me like that especially after what had just occurred.

But then he insisted I needed to apologise to his mother and aunt. I flat-out said no. But he kept pestering me, saying he didn’t want his fiancée's first meeting with his family to end on a bad note, "Think of how this looks for me."

I eventually, albeit reluctantly, agreed. So, I got ready, and we headed over to his parents’ place. The car ride was awkward; he kept trying to make small talk about what happened after he dropped me off.

We arrived at the house, and honestly, the feeling of dread just hit me again. His aunt was there again, and from what I gathered, she came back specifically to receive my apology. Will’s sister, who was there last night, was not there, but the aunt came back just for this, which I found a bit much, this was clearly very important to her to hear me apologise.

His dad greeted me, but his mum and aunt were clearly waiting to have their say. They talked about how hurt they were by my comment, and I apologised, saying I didn’t mean to offend them, I just didn’t know how to respond to what they said last night and made a joke that wasn’t meant to be disrespectful.

But they couldn’t leave it at that. They started lecturing me about how I was poorly raised in South Africa for speaking to elders like that, calling me ill-mannered. That’s when I’d had enough. I turned away from them, and they freaked out. I walked away as they continued ranting. Will tried to grab my arm and tell me I wasn’t acting properly, but I pulled away, and he let go.

I walked out of their home, and they all followed me, his mum and aunt loudly commenting, and Will trying to talk to me. His father just stood there on the veranda, watching the whole scene unfold. It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life, I felt like their neighbours would come out to see what all the fuss was about.

I asked Will to drive me back to the hotel, but he refused and kept lecturing me, so I called an Uber. Waiting for it was incredibly awkward, with all of them continuing to go on.

I eventually got back to the hotel, immediately canceled my flight back to NY with him, and booked a later flight for myself. I checked out of the hotel and waited at the airport until my flight.

Now, I’m with my friend in NY. Will has been messaging me nonstop since, so I blocked him on everything. He’ll probably continue to annoy me on all my social media and love bomb me when I get back to Johannesburg, but I’ll deal with it then.

Oh, and I left my thermos, which is sentimental to me because it has a lot of stickers that I've collected over the years, at his flat, which he's not likely going to return to me, but oh well.

On a brighter note, I’m planning to enjoy the rest of my holiday with my friend in New York! Thanks to everyone for your comments and messages, and a special thanks to the user who recommended restaurants in NYC. My friend also read my post and agreed with those of you who were skeptical about long-distance relationships, she’d wanted to tell me her concerns for a long time.

Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate the support, advice, and sweet messages.