'AITA if I say no to a second baby shower with my husband's family?' MAJOR UPDATE

It's important to draw boundaries when needed, even if it causes waves.

"WIBTA is say no to a second baby shower with my husband's family?"

WIBTA is say no to a second baby shower with my husband's family? Hi, I'm 28 and am currently 25 weeks pregnant. Both my family and my husband's family have talked about baby shower, his family told me who puts the deposit down on the community center will get to host and everything.

So my mom went ahead and put the deposit down and we picked the middle of June because I'll be 32ish weeks pregnant. I've already been really sick and in pain throughout my whole pregnancy so I didn't want to have to host people later than that. My MIL and my GMIL got really angry over the date because a WHOLE WEEK BEFORE they had a family reunion planned.

I knew that and thought it'll be enough time, all they had to do was come and eat. Well, they are saying they won't go to the baby shower and his mom went on a whole rant about how ever since I got pregnant I haven't considered her feelings or listened to at all. My husband has a very strained relationship with his mother because of her attitude, her lies, her putting him on anti-psychotics when he was 8.

He said he was done with them and their drama. This morning, my GMIL texted me and asked if I could have two baby showers, one being in July around the time I'll be 37ish weeks. WIBTA if I say no? I would like advice on how to handle this. My husband just tells me to do what I want and he will be beside me no matter what.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

EDIT: His family is only 5 minutes away from where I'm holding the shower, my family lives about two hours away. My family doesn't want to stress me out so they are doing all the traveling. Virtual won't work because his family isn't tech savvy. My husband is very embarrassed of his family right now and just wants to be super petty and cuss them out.

He's never had a good relationship with them which is why I didn't meet them until 4 years into our relationship. His father and his girlfriend are very nice and sweet. They will do whatever to help us.

The reason I don't want another one is Because I have spinal stenosis and two bad discs. I am throwing up on and off. This is my first pregnancy and it was a total shock because I thought I couldn't get pregnant without help.

The commenters jumped on.

Lurker_the_pip wrote:

You are under ZERO obligation to go to a second baby shower. You are having one already and they are declining to attend. That’s their choice. They sound like a hassle and a headache to be around. Being pregnant is hard enough without dealing with this crap. NTA. Screw em.

OP responded:

Thank you. I'm very much of a pushover which is why they kept contacting me instead of my husband or the host of the event, my mom. I do not understand why they can't go to the one I'm having. I told them about the date a month before. And they didn't say anything negative to me. My husband just says they want to be in control.

HootblackDesiato wrote:

This is a weird ask on their part. It sounds as if they either want a situation over which to have control, or to be seen as the host - which they could have done had they chosen to, but didn't. You have every right to say "No thanks, but please come to the first one!" Also, that nonsense about the shower date being too close after a family reunion...say what? NTA.

OP responded:

I know! They had their chance but I guess the $60 was out of their price range lol. Thank you so much I have been wondering about that too. The reunion is only 30 minutes away so I don't understand why they need such a long time to recover.

Realistic-Site03952 wrote:

NTA.

"Oh man, I wish we had discussed this a few months ago. I am not going to be available. It was thoughtful of you to look into it. You know you all are more than welcome to join us in June."

Competitive_Sleep_21 wrote:

Say no. The baby shower is for the baby and parents. It is to shower you with items you may need for the baby. Also, I suspect they will continue to do stuff like this around birthdays etc. I would not bite and say that you are just having one shower and hope they can make it.

Also make sure they all have updated TDAP vaccines before they see the baby and be firm on who you let into your home initially. Babies should only be kissed on the face by parents.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Thank you all for the replies and judgments. It has really helped with my people pleaser tendencies lol. My husband's mother is definitely not coming to the shower of her own choice. She called him today and called me immature for having my Hubby reply to her instead of me.

But husband and I both believe in handling our own families. He feels so embarrassed and has apologized over and over to my family over this. When she said that he told her that she is not to talk to him and again. He told her he is done with her and that she still the same person who put him on medication to control him.

When he told her about that all she said is "well sorry" (FYI: there is lawsuits about this medication that it cause brain damage, anxiety, infertility, and many people have taken their lives after taking it. It caused him to throw up blood and he has horrible heart burn and anxiety.) Then later on my GMIL started texting me about the shower so I guess she's coming after all.

She said she wanted to invite some people I told her she can invite anyone just give me a count. She also told me his mother will not come unless she gets an apology. My husband told her he will not be apologizing, my wife needs the apology for the insults she said. Then later on, my GMIL texted my mother yelling at her, saying it was a miscommunication and my husband's relationship with his mother is over.

Just essentially blaming my mom. I don't know if my mom texted back but knowing her she will. I'm so tired of this drama. We at least have his dad's side of the family being great. And his dad said this is why I tried to keep you away from them.

But thank you for all the replies and I never expected so many. I'm sorry I didn't reply much I got overwhelmed lol. If anything happens or maybe I'll update after the baby shower. Which ever comes first. Oh and thank you on the congrats on my baby boy. It's my first baby and I was told I wouldn't have any without help. My husband was also told he probably wouldn't have kids so he's a miracle.

Comments kept coming in.

Substantial_Art3360 wrote:

It’s probably better this way OP! Cutting out toxic people prior to having the baby is the way to go. She won’t follow your boundaries and will think her way of raising kids is gold anyways. You only need support.

bkitty273 wrote:

Well that sounds like a bit of a result. Great relationship with DH's dad and that side of the family and MIL will stay away until you apologise. Perfect. Just do not accidentally apologise, and problem solved.

I'm still not sure what GMIL can be blaming your mum for or what the supposed miscommunication might have been about. I'm guessing the comment of whoever books has control and then them failing to book before your mum did? My money is on your mum winning any fight they take to her!

Upper-File462 wrote:

The GMIL is just as horrible and needs to be uninvited. Omg - NOT giving her extra guest passes. You're still people pleasing to an insane degree. You know if she comes, she'll make the event worse, right? She'll bring her friends round and will corner you about MIL.

There's no reason to allow this insanity to continue. Stop enabling her. No is a complete sentence. Just cut her off and go NC. You wbta if you continue laying the doormat on yourselves for these people to walk all over.

Unmapped_Trails2504 wrote:

Yikes OP, GMIL sounds like a person you need to uninvite, or at the very minimum tell her your expectations for her behavior and that any untoward comments or behavior will not be tolerated, and she will be removed from the party and will consequently be put on LC/NC.

I really don’t think she will behave given what you’ve shared thus far, and has she told you who &/or how many people she is bringing? My mind jumps to them being people to act as her flying monkeys who aren’t there for you to celebrate, or you MIL as a loophole, “She’s my guest and you said I could invite anyone!” That scenario feels very plausible.

GMIL shouldn’t be rewarded for her bad behavior, it’ll only reinforce she can do whatever she likes free of any consequence. She went off on your mom- the host- soooo disrespectful, inappropriate and unacceptable, yet she expects not only to still attend but to bring additional people?! The oIf you’re trying to avoid drama, this isn’t the way

Think about it this way: no matter what, they won’t let you win, they’ll throw a tantrum and be insufferable, right? If there is no way to avoid them being upset, just go with what makes you happy and what will allow for a much more pleasant shower for you, your mom, and your guests.

Don’t subject yourself or others to their brand of crazy trying to avoid drama, because with people like MIL & GMIL, there is no such thing.

curiousity60 wrote:

GMIL is bringing MILs drama back to you. Your husband should continue to buffer between you and his family. HE needs to tell GMIL to stop carrying tales about MIL to you after the two of you have established a boundary to protect you from her shenanigans.

GMIL is continuing to keep the conflict fresh and in your face with her messages. Either GMIL respects the boundary of limiting all communication with or about MIL to your husband. If she mentions anything about MIL, stop engaging in the convo. Block. Hang up. Walk away. "We've resolved the issue of MILs ab#sing my wife. Don't interfere or bring it up."