'AITA for saying I would not care if my partner cheated on me?' MAJOR UPDATE

Tact is everything - it can make the difference between a fight and mutual understanding.

"AITAH for saying I would not care if my partner cheated on me?"

Yesterday we were hanging out with some friends and the topic came to cheating and relationships. When I was asked my opinion, I told them I would not really care if my GF cheated on me. There is not a need to sulk over it. It's just a girlfriend and cheating proves the point that they are not the one.

From my point of view, life is too short to get sad about these things. In the end, cheating is not even your fault. It's just cheaters trying to fill the emptiness inside them or cover their insecurities through physical or emotional acts with other people. I clearly told them I would not even need to get over it. In one of my previous relationships I was cheated on and they were caught during the act.

I told them to have fun and just left. People were taken aback by my answer and asked if anything would change if it was wife instead of girlfriend. I said no. I would just divorce and we would go to our separate ways. There is no need to prolong things and stay in a broken marriage. Some said if I would not try marriage counseling first. I answered no because there is no reason to.

Marriage counseling should be done before the act of cheating instead of after it. If cheating spouse has any problems, they should communicate them with the other partner and try to solve it. If they cannot, they should divorce and cheating is never an option.

Doing marriage counseling after infidelity is like m*rderer going to m*rder scene to revive the victim but victim has to do most of the work to get revived. I do not care about closure at all. I do not care about the reason. People and especially my GF seemed shocked by my answers and asked me if I have any emotions at all.

I do have emotions it's just that I do not see it necessary to spend my emotional energy on something I have no fault on or that'll hurt me. Life is too short to be bothered by that. GF told me she does not see me in the same light anymore and thinks I do not value our relationship. She is not talking to me now. AITAH?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

RainGirl11 wrote:

NTA. I have a question though, if you caught your gf/wife cheating would you be hurt. If someone you love leaves your life there is usually a period of grief? Would you go through or would you just be care free and happy the very next day?

OP responded:

I caught them during the act in one of my past relationships. I told them to have fun and just left the relationship. I moved on with my life as usual after that. There is no reason to get sad for cheating. It just means they are not the one for you. However, for one of my past relationships I had to part ways with my ex-partner due to different life choices.

I felt sad because the relationship ended and grieved. What matters for me is how it ended. If it's due to cheating or betrayal I just do not see the need to get sad.

QueenDoc wrote:

| sad feelings are gonna be sad until processed. That's the point though, he never said he'd process the emotions and move on, he said he would just be like, 'k' and end it. The girlfriend is upset that he is saying he wouldn't GRIEVE the end of something that until that point, would've seemed to have been working ok.

The lack of grief in the scenario he is presenting is what concerns the girlfriend because if you don't grieve the loss of something, did you even love it to begin with?

OP responded:

I would be like "k" and end it if I were to be cheated on. Let's say we had to part ways due to different choices in life. I would cherish the memories of this relationship and grieve for it ending. However, if there is cheating involved, I just move on. There is no need to get sad for that.

louderharderfaster wrote:

I am the exact same way. When my BF decided to boink a co-worker and I only found out because of his efforts to hide it I never even considered it cheating ON me. He cheated himself out of a relationship with me. It was surgical - not because I am vindictive - because he became a liar.

I would have stayed with him had he told me he had developed feelings for her and wanted to explore those feelings (s*xually or emotionally) but it was he who wanted us to be "100% committed to monogamy" = he broke his own heart.

Yes, people have called me "cold" but I honestly cannot understand why people become destroyed over this stuff. Hurt, sad, disappointed sure but how anyone questions THEIR worth when they find out their SO is not honest/faithful/considerate is unfathomable.

InterestingBuy5505 wrote:

NTA. My other half and I have been together for two decades and we both understand cheating is a deal breaker. So is saying you want a divorce / threatening divorce. There is no coming back from either. If one of us cheats or says the word divorce, we better be prepared to walk the walk.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

So my girlfriend broke up with me on a phone call this morning. She did not speak to me at all before. I tried to explain her what I said would be applicable only in case of cheating and I value our relationship. I read most of the comments on the original post and tried to clarify everything that people pointed out.

In the end it did not work and I was blocked. Funny how I do not feel sad when the other party cheats on me and I can move on but when it's a reason like that I feel sad and hurt. I think that proved I feel like that only for cheating. Losing our relationship for something like that feels surreal. It is upsetting.

I think it's best if I keep my ideas to myself in the future. (Not sure I can do that though given that I am very straightforward) Bad and good experiences in the past makes up current us. This breakup will be one of the bad experiences that'll make the future me. However, I tried to explain myself and mend the relationship. I believe it's best to move on and learn from it. Life goes on. Thank you for all the advice.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Unital_Syzygy wrote:

"They tried to shame you into being upset about being hypnotically cheated on"

I think they probably said something like "if you don't care if I have s*x with your girlfriend right now, do you really like her yourself?"

OP responded:

I mean if they do, they are not my girlfriend anymore. After that point, they are free to do what they want. Just wish them have fun and move on.

kbiteg wrote:

NTA - Next time just say that cheating is a total and unforgivable dealbreaker and no one will bother you about it, I totally get your POV and wish you well.

No-Eagle-8 wrote:

Being straight forward, you should probably learn to say what you mean in more depth. Such as things like “ I care about our relationship” or “ I would be sad to lose the person I thought I was with." It saves you trouble if you think of their perspective before you talk and know what their needs and concerns are to alleviate them.

When someone fished for reassurance that you care about the relationship like this, they want first and foremost to hear that you care about losing what you seem to have. Starting at emotional stoicism denies what you currently have existing in their mind. They see you shut off and uncaring over a hypothetical and not a real experience that has happened.

They want to know that you would mourn the loss of what you appear to have before the cheating. It’s the same as a death or a traumatic rain injury in this hypothetical. Understanding their emotions is important for healthy relationships. It’s too easy when being stoic to forget what other people actually feel and go through and what they need from others for emotional support.

BumblebeeSuper wrote:

Thanks for the update! I am a pretty straight forward person as well and my husband is the only person I can trust with all of my thoughts regardless how 'insensitive' they seem. Don't sweat it and don't change. You'll find someone who accepts you for you.

Hopefully, in the next relatioship, OP is able to find someone who understands his communication style.