'AITA for saying my brother shouldn’t have brought his pregnant GF to my wedding?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITAH for saying my brother shouldn’t have brought his pregnant gf to my wedding and for refusing to let my her be in my wedding photos?"

I got married last weekend. I’m still so pissed off at what my brother did. He took all of the attention off of me and my husband. Normally, I don’t feel the need to be the center of attention, but this was my freaking wedding day! I feel like it’s all anyone was talking about during the wedding and now it’s like the main thing any of them even remember from the entire thing.

It was a destination wedding within the US, so nothing crazy. We kept the guest list to our families (immediate and extended), as well as closest friends. My parents paid for our immediate family to arrive about 5 days ahead of time. So, it was my parents, my sister, and I initially, and my brother arriving a few days later.

We knew my brother was bringing a date. No big deal. He said he was just bringing a girl from school. He didn’t even call her his girlfriend officially. My parents showed up at the airport to pick my brother up and there he was, hand in hand with an obviously pregnant girl that none of us have ever met.

My parents were obviously taken aback. My brother greeted them like everything was normal, according to my mom, and my parents didn’t really know what to do or say. Then he just said “Surprise!” My poor mom almost fainted and claims my dad yelled out “WTF have you done?”

He introduces us to this girl, but doesn’t clarify if she’s his girlfriend and doesn’t give us much info at all really. It was very weird. It was obvious that she was uncomfortable. She’s said she wasn’t feeling well and needed to go lay down after the flight. So, at dinner it was just our family as she was resting.

We were all awkwardly sitting around the table eating dinner, barely saying a word. My mom finally says “(brother’s name), is that your baby?” By then we all assumed it was, but my mom needed confirmation. The lack of any real explanation or details from him up until then was just odd. He admitted it’s technically not his baby, but he’s in love with her and intends on being a father to the baby anyway.

The actual father isn’t involved and doesn’t want to be, and if they get married then he can adopt the baby so he’ll legally be the father. She’s living with him and none of us knew this either. He’s been her main support person throughout the entire thing (she’s 28 weeks, well 29 now since this was over a week ago). I think this was worse than what we had all assumed.

So in love with her that he’s going to take on the responsibility of her child AND marry her, yet we’ve never even heard of her? He said he has mentioned her quite a few times. Well, maybe he’s mentioned her name in passing (not to me, maybe to my parents), but never said she was his girlfriend or pregnant. None of us understand.

He’s 21, about to graduate college, planning to enter law school next, and he’s an attractive guy. Why would he do this? My parents, especially my mom, were stressing out about it all weekend long throughout my entire wedding weekend. It was like my wedding became an after thought. All my parents could talk about was how to make my brother change his mind about this girl.

Then, when the wedding photographer was taking family pictures, he wanted her in them! That’s was really the breaking point for me. She isn’t family. None of us knew about their relationship, and we met her 2 days prior. She shouldn’t be in our official family pictures from my wedding. It’s like forget the bride and groom, look at random heavily woman hitching herself to my brother.

No, I told him no. I refused to let her be in the photos. My mom made me allow her to be in one picture, but said we don’t have to buy that one or put it in display anywhere. It just made my blood boil! Anyway, I don’t think he should have brought her. There was no reason to bring her to my wedding, especially without warning.

I mean, it’s all my side of the family could talk about and he was reticent to even correct them about it not being his baby. He said that’s because it was awkward for her to have to explain the full scenario to everyone, so he just let people think what they wanted. Because he wouldn’t at least say something, everyone was gossiping and wondering about it the whole time.

I’m posting this because I’m upset that several friends and even my own mom are telling me I’m overreacting and just need to accept it. When I told a group of my co-workers about it after the fact (they weren’t at the wedding), they agreed with me and thought what my brother did was absolutely insane and rude.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Jacintaleishman wrote:

I think he knew in a wedding setting that attention would be divided, your wedding was his meat shield.

OP responded:

Interesting take and something I hadn’t thought of. He was purposely trying to take attention away from me and my wedding, he just wanted some of the attention taken off of him and his poor decisions? Still selfish.

Rinnme wrote:

NTA. What he did was an AH move, though he probably didn't think it through enough to realize all the implications of his actions.

He absolutely shouldn't have dropped that bomb at your wedding or any wedding.

OP responded:

I don’t think he did it to be malicious. I don’t think he thought about what he was doing to me. He also hasn’t apologized though. If after being told something you did was rude and hurtful, at least own up to it.

Far_Possession9494 wrote:

NTA! It's your wedding, and you deserve to have the focus be on you and your partner. Your brother blindsiding the family with his relationship and not clarifying anything before the wedding was inconsiderate.

It's understandable that you wouldn't want someone in your wedding photos that you barely know and who wasn't even part of the planning. He should have communicated better, and your feelings are valid. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting your day to be about you!

Filmpuzzleheaded1493 wrote:

I mean, plot twist of the year right here. your wedding had more drama than a Netflix series. Maybe they should've sent a spoiler alert first!

OP responded:

I don’t think I would have been so upset about her presence if we had just known ahead of time. He had months to tell us what was going on. There’s no reason he had to spring it on us and our entire family at my wedding.

Saleupstais542 wrote:

YTA. I get that it was your wedding day, but this is a big life event for your brother, too. He's bringing someone important to him, and the fact that it was unexpected doesn't take away from your special day. His relationship is clearly something he wants to include in his life, and by refusing her in the family photos, you made it about you instead of supporting your brother and his choices.

The whole situation sounds awkward, but your wedding day isn't just about you—it’s about family. Maybe it's time to take a step back and think about how this impacts your relationship with your brother in the long run.

angelick92 wrote:

He knew exactly what he was doing, such an ah move on his part. What did he think would happen? He couldn't let you have the attention on your wedding day? Is he THAT spoiled? NTA.

OP responded:

He’s the youngest child. He definitely gets away with more than my sister and I ever could. Anything he does usually gets forgiven.

Four and a half months later, OP shared an update.

I think I might be about to do what I’m assuming very few people come here to do.

I’m sharing an update and want to say that in hindsight I think I was actually TA in my situation. You can see my original post on my profile.

I think I was riding high on wedding hormones and “center of the universe” vibes at the time, but I’ve slowly come down to earth in the many weeks since I last posted. I let my worry about the “gossip” about my brother and his girlfriend get in the way of me enjoying my day, and there’s no way to go back and change it. I also realize that I should have just agreed to do one photo with his girlfriend included.

One photo wouldn’t have been important and it didn’t have to be considered the “official” photo of me and my family that I put in my wedding album or hung on the wall. Instead, I chose to be a witch to somebody I was meeting for the first time and we already felt very uncomfortable. For many weeks after I made my first post, I was sure I was NTA.

My he has deflated and I’ve had a talk with my brother about it. We both came to the conclusion that in our family we didn’t really learn how to have difficult conversations about things that we knew might make somebody else uncomfortable, which is why I couldn’t calmly voice my feelings to my brother on my wedding day and instead acted like a spoiled child.

It’s also why instead of having a normal conversation with our parents to let them know that he was dating somebody who was pregnant by somebody else and that he was going to be raising this baby as his own.

He panicked and decided to just announce it without actually having to voice it to them at all, and my wedding just so happened to be the first occasion he had to do so. I don’t think he mentioned to hurt me.

Several people have asked me about an update on my brother and his girlfriend. Well, she’s his wife now. They got married. They’re still together, living together. We’ve gotten to know her a little better and she’s not as bad as we all wanted to make her out to be.

I think she genuinely loves my brother and my brother loves her, she just so happened to be pregnant when they met and they both acknowledge it’s a bit unusual. My brother is the type who brings all the stray animals home so I think we all sort of worried that he just felt bad for her and wanted to help her and protect her, but I think it’s more than that.

I went to her baby shower. She seems perfectly normal and nice, and really crazy about my brother. The baby was finally born at 41 weeks and of course my brother was there. The baby is several weeks old now. Half the time I forget that the baby isn’t actually my brother’s baby and isn’t actually related to us by blood.

After my wedding, my parents started to get more concerned about the whole situation with my brother. My mom became the most judgmental one. My brother talked to our dad and eventually got him to realize that my brother is an adult and he’s going to do what he wants to do - eventually my dad was like “you’re right, and I rather just support you here.”

My mom couldn’t get on board. She wouldn’t let herself even give his girlfriend/wife a chance. She convinced herself that my brother was just being manipulated and taken advantage of by this evil woman. She told everyone that too.

So things were sort of tense because I felt somewhat in the middle at that point. But now? My mom has been the only person to babysit since the birth. It’s like she saw the baby and forgot all about everything and she’s all buddy buddy with his wife now. I’m shocked that this woman has decided to not completely cut my mom out of the baby’s life all together but perhaps she’s a bigger person than all of us!

The internet did not hold back one bit.

OkEast445 wrote:

NTA. Honestly, I do not think you were TA in your previous post. She was a stranger that you met 2 days ago, you also didn’t know that she existed before that. Congrats on figuring out that you need to communicate with each other better as siblings. I’m also excited that the family is coming together and supporting the baby.

Odd-Alternative4959 responded:

That’s right. He showed his immaturity by injecting an emotional bomb into his sister’s wedding. He made it about himself. He mostly should be apologizing for his insensitivity. Sorry his now wife didn’t see the need to avoid the scene the two of them created.

You can shock-slap a family with such news without raining on your sisters parade. It was her day. Another time , especially when none family guest are around is the way to handle that.

OP responded:

He wasn’t completely honest with her about it and she thought we knew more than we actually did. She didn’t find out the truth until they were ready on their way, and he convinced her everything would be fine. She didn’t want to come.

GlitterDoomsday wrote:

Convenience of having extended family there without the hassle or cost of planning a gathering of your own.

OP responded:

In this case, it was because he just couldn’t figure out a way to say it before hand. Sure, I think if you’ve taken on the responsibility of becoming a parent you should have the balls to have that uncomfortable conversation with your own parent.

But at the same time, after reflecting, I’ve done similar things (never during another person’s big event) when it comes to not being able to tell my parents something I know they’ll be upset about. In our family, growing up, all 3 of us have pretty much always done what our parents expected of us and wanted us to do.

Connect-Local1455 wrote:

You are not the AH and never were, your brother was an inconsiderate AH for doing that to you and your family gaslit you into believing you're a bad person for being upset about it.

I hope you come to realize that you did nothing wrong by being upset after all and you choose to cut these people out of your life before they make you think you're in the wrong for being rightfully upset about this kind of stuff again.

Never let people think you're in the wrong for being upset about a day dedicated TO YOU being stolen by someone else. And that goes for all the people in the comments here that praise you for realizing you were in the wrong, they're all AHs and should keep their mouths shut.

OP responded:

Thanks, I guess? I don’t know, I don’t feel like I’ve been gaslit. Strangely, my husband is now more upset about it now than I am. He didn’t even really seem to care about it when it happened, but he makes comments about my brother’s AH move.

Dueindependence5527 wrote:

Didn’t he originally say they had been friends for 2 years prior to their romantic relationship? But now you say she was pregnant when they met?

OP responded:

He admitted he lied about them being friends for 2 years. He didn’t plan to lie about it but when he saw our reactions it just sort of came out in an attempt to make him seem slightly less crazy.

They met when she was already pregnant, she had just found out basically and apparently was up front with him about it. Idk, in a way I find that slightly better than her having known him for 2 years and suddenly being romantically interested in him once she found herself single and pregnant. It was almost a relief to find out it was a lie.

Own_Rabbit1469 wrote:

This post is weird. You are still NTA. Your brother and whoever convinced you to write this foolishness are TA.

OP responded:

Nobody convinced me to write it. I logged on for the first time in a while and had several messages asking for an update. I’ve received similar messages since the original post, but never planned to update since there really wasn’t anything worth sharing and my feelings about the whole thing remained unchanged for some time.

Even after I started to feel differently about it all, I didn’t think about posting an update. Then when I saw those recent messages asking for an update I figured I’d just make an impromptu update and types it up real fast.