'AITA for saying yes to my boyfriend’s public proposal and then turning him down in private?'
"AITA for saying yes to my boyfriend’s public proposal and then turning him down in private?"
So my (26F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been dating for about three years. Things have been good, but I’ve been clear that I’m not ready for marriage just yet. I’ve told him I need more time to feel comfortable with such a big step. Well, a few weeks ago, we went to a big party hosted by his family for his dad's 60th. I noticed that he was acting a little nervous but didn’t think much of it.
Then, during the event, he got everyone’s attention, got down on one knee, and proposed to me in front of all his friends and family. I was completely caught off guard and panicked. Now, I’ve heard stories about how rejecting someone in public can humiliate them, and I really didn’t want to do that to him, especially in front of everyone he cares about. So, I said yes in the moment.
Everyone cheered, and he looked so happy. I felt horrible for misleading him, but I didn’t know what else to do. After the party, on the car ride home I told him privately and explained that while I love him, I’m not ready to get married yet and that I only said yes to avoid embarrassing him in front of everyone. I thought being honest in private was the best thing to do.
He got really upset and said I’d humiliated him even more because now he has to go back and tell everyone that we’re not actually engaged. He said I should’ve just said no at the party if that’s how I felt. I feel terrible that I’ve hurt him and put him in this position, but I also feel like he put me on the spot in front of everyone without considering my feelings.
We've yet to tell his family or anyone and they keep calling and texting to give their congrats which is upsetting him even more and I'm seeing videos his friends posted online of him getting on one knee so it's pretty public now. So, internet, AITA? Should I have just said no in public, or was I right to spare him the embarrassment in the moment?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
ed2nev wrote:
NTA. This could have been written by me. If you see him as a future husband then I'd recommend just having a long engagement instead of ending the engagement. Usually ending an engagement means the whole relationship is over and him having to explain that you're not engaged but still together will raise a lot of questions.
Not to mention, it will be black mark against you in the eyes of his family and friends. If, however, you don't see yourself marrying him at all, then call it quits now. He wants marriage, if you don't want it or don't want it with him then you have different ideas of the future. If you're not on board with ever marrying him then it's just cruel to stay in a relationship with him.
I told my now husband a few days after the engagement that while I absolutely saw myself marrying him, I wasn't ready yet and told him I wanted a long engagement. He understood and we were engaged for 9 years before we eventually got married. We've now been married for 7 years and have two kids.
OP responded:
I guess you're right. I didn't want to admit it, cos I love him but there are a few internal reasons why I hesitate to marry him. First , my parents do not really approve him and ik I'm a grown woman I shouldn't care what they think bla bla and tbh they've sorta come round to him but marriage is a big step and I don't want to hear the whole "I don't want to see you make a decision you're gonna regret " talk.
Also , I'm only admitting this because the internet is annonymous but I kinda want him to get his life together just a little bit before we get married. He doesn't have a stable job yet and I don't want to be that naggy girlfriend but I just want us to be financially stable before we tie the knot and possibly bring kids into the world.
We COULD survive with my salary as a Vet but ...maybe it's selfish of me but I would like to see him contribute a bit more to the pot as well so it doesn't feel like "my money" but more "our money" I don't know maybe that's my own problem though.
Icanzllravor wrote:
NTA because you made it clear previously that you aren't ready for the next steps. Three years in and you still don't know would be a red flag for me, if I am him though. I don't forsee your relationship lasting much longer. He is clearly ready for marriage and you aren't even in the same ball park.
OP responded:
He's never really indicated he wants marriage right now either though that's why I'm confused - he's still looking for a stable job.
Longjumping_Desk_839 wrote:
NTA.
He asked you publicly when you’d been clear that you’re not ready for marriage yet. You were nice by not embarrassing him.
Ok_Routine9099 wrote:
NTA. You told him know in advance. He tried to publicly pressure you into a yes. Thought he had “won the fight” and now is mad at you for trying your best to limit the damage he has done. He has treated you like you’re an accessory to his life. Is this the kind of approach to life you want?
If you say no to pets because you’re barely treading water and have him bring home a puppy that you’re 100% going to have to train and care for and clean up after. Because you’ll break the kids hearts (if you have kids then) or (check notes) I did it for you or. My favorite - my parents got it for us (loophole of conning parents into doing what he is not allowed to do to do).
atmasabr wrote:
NTA. Not a close question. He should know before he does something like that.
And honestly I think he was trying to manipulate you. It didn't work.