'AITA for sending my extended family an email stating why they're not invited to things anymore?'

"AITA for sending most of my extended family an email stating why they are never invited to things anymore?"

I (36f) made the (not so) difficult decision to no longer invite my extended family to dinner, parties, school events for my kids, etc. The one exception is my nephew Jamie (18). He is my elder sister's eldest. He moved in with my husband and myself for a while before he turned 18 to get away from his parents and younger brother (17).

Some context/background. When Jamie was born his parents genuinely seemed to love him. And they appeared, to a younger me, to be good parents. That changed as soon as his younger brother was born. Suddenly my sister and BIL talked about Jamie as a nightmare, said he was an awful baby, they hated every moment with him and his younger brother was an angel and perfect. This attitude continued.

Jamie wasn't a misbehaving kid or "feral" like he was described, but he ran around, got dirty, made noise and messes like most little kids. But this was treated like something awful. His younger brother was quiet, neat, etc, etc. They would always compare Jamie to his brother to shame him into being different. If he spilled something they'd scold him. If he got messy they'd reprimand him harshly for it.

The rest of my extended family started acting the same. Jamie couldn't do anything right. He sneezed, it was too loud. He fell, he was being reckless/careless. And the praise for his bother was insane. Like yeah, he was a quieter and calmer kid but Jamie wasn't destroying things or st--ling, yelling, cursing, etc.

Even having too much fun got Jamie negative attention and I was told to shut up whenever I'd defend him or tell people to lay off. I took it upon myself to be there for Jamie as much as I could. The older the boys got the harder it got because Jamie also had his brother trying to get him into trouble or berating him for things.

I hated seeing it but I knew I needed to be there for Jamie and avoiding it would do no good. Nobody showed up for Jamie except for me. I was often the only family member (except for when I married and had kids) who made an appearance at school plays and the likes. When Jamie moved in with us, and got his freedom, I decided it was time to do the same.

My family kept asking me about coming over and when were my kids things. Nobody asked about Jamie. Or they'd want to know about parties for the kids. I let it all pile up and then I decided to send an email to the extended family outlining how disgusting their behavior toward Jamie had been and how that meant they would no longer receive any invitations from me.

I got a lot of negativity back with people saying I shouldn't take HIS side when he's a bratty little s-t who deserved everything he got. I don't regret defending Jamie BUT did I handle this badly? AITA?

The internet did not hold back.

Even_Budget2078 wrote:

NTA. OP, reading how you've been there for Jamie made me tear up. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You owe no one access to your children. And you don't owe anyone an explanation to begin with. But, in any case, there's nothing wrong with the way you communicated your feelings and limits to your family.

Mass email is actually a good way to do it. Put it in writing, send it one time to everyone so there's no misinformation from multiple versions of different one-on-one conversations.

You don't owe anyone a response, especially if they are just justifying their terrible Jamie treatment and arguing about that with you. The only two things I would say is that, yes, it's good you've taken this decision because of how they treated Jamie, but I would carefully consider having these people around your children.

You know that they scapegoat children and then all gang up on them. What if one of your children ended up the next "Jamie" as he's aging out of this terrible dynamic? It's completely fine to do what you did just for Jamie, but even if they apologize or make amends to him, I'd still be very wary about having them around children generally.

Last thing, did you tell Jamie you were going to do this and was he ok with it? Because you did it "in his defence", I would make a point to talk to him asap, especially if he is going to receive the brunt of any blowback. Please make sure that he is ok and is not being harassed for your decision or that they are not pressuring him to get you to change your mind.

Not talking to him first does not make you an AH, but if you didn't, I would suggest apologizing to him for not giving him a head's up and making sure he's ok emotionally- this could be emotional/triggering to him to have his mistreatment all laid out in the open.

OP responded:

Jamie was aware beforehand and actually helped me write out parts of the email. He told me I didn't have to do it but he was also really relieved (I could tell from the expression). We already got him a new phone number and he deleted old social media and created new ones they aren't on.

So he's protected and they have no idea where he currently is which is really, really good for him. He's come so far in the months since he moved out.

archetyping101 wrote:

At first I was going to say Y T A but after reading the post, NTA.

"I got a lot of negativity back with people saying I shouldn't take HIS side when he's a bratty little s-t who deserved everything he got"

He was a child. It was his parents and the family's job to love and nurture him. They're blaming a KID for being a bratty little shit? That's what a lot of kids are!!!! Deserved everything he got? He's a child. He deserved love and compassion. Your family sucks and your nephew is lucky to have one decent human being in his life.

OP responded:

The biggest issue is he wasn't even a bratty little s-t. This wouldn't be okay if he had acted out some as a kid. But he was just not his brother, which was his biggest cr-me. He couldn't be the "perfect" kid so he got so much s-t for being the same as his cousins. But they never got that kind of s--t either.

Helen_Magnus wrote:

NTA. This is a message for Jamie:

Hi Jamie, I just want to tell you that your family are awful and don't deserve a role in your life. Being a part of your life is a privilege not a right, and that right isn't granted simply because of DNA.

You have a wonderful uncle who genuinely cares about you. You will go out into the world and meet more people who care about and respect you and you will build your own little pseudo family with these people.

Go forth in the world and build a wonderful life in spite of them. And if it's helpful, maybe seek some therapy in the future to make sure you're not carrying any of their toxic crap with you. It's their loss that you're not in their lives. Let them stay over there in their own little bubble and make each other miserable for the rest of their lives. Good luck to you.

1962Michael wrote:

NTA. I 100% agree with your decision to go no-contact with your family. And handling it with one well-written email is a pretty good way to make sure everyone has the same understanding of your reasoning. If you just went radio-silent or just told one person, then everyone would have a different story and you'd look much worse in their eyes.

Not all of them feel exactly the same. You got "a lot" of negativity but I'm guessing some did not reply in any way. Over time you may find that some of your family will express regret for their part and you can consider whether that makes a difference. Certainly don't exclude Jamie in any of your plans.