'AITA for sending a recording of my ex, asking to open our relationship, to her parents?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for sending a recording of my ex, asking to open our relationship, to her parents?"

I (M26) broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years Mary (F27) about a month ago, because she asked me to open our relationship. It is/was/and always will be a major line in the sand for me, something that I have opened up to her about in the past.

We've had a great relationship and the only thing that stands out (and the only reason is stands out now is because of this situation) is she progressively started making a lot more sexual jokes about some of our shared friends over the last few months. Some involved her being with them and others were threeway jokes etc.

I won't lie, I played along a little but I consistently made some joking response along the lines of "you're more than enough for me" and/or "I don't like sharing." Never took any of it seriously – because, why would I? – until she asked and I found out/realised that she was probably trying to gauge my response and see how open I was.

Mary asked when we were getting ready for bed about a month ago kinda bluntly. I was scrolling on my phone and she was getting changed and goes,

"If I asked you to open the relationship, would you?"

This might sound super corny, but it was like I had an out of body experience and all of the above hit me at once. All the jokes and comments so far made sense in a "she's trying to butter me up to the idea" kind of way and went really numb for a second. To her credit, she must have seen how freaked out I was and asked if I was okay.

I pretended I didn't hear her and asked her to repeat herself and she was really hesistant to (kept saying she didn't say anything) and only repeated it when I insisted. Then, I went to voicenotes, set it to record and put my phone down to talk to her.

I don't remember much of it, just that I tried to stay calm and keep her talking, but the note is just over an hour and a half long and it feels like I'm listening in to a conversation that happened between two strangers.

She trickle truthed all the way through it and ultimately stuck to the idea that she hadn't been cheating, she didn't have any one person in mind but had been fantasising about mutual friends and people at work and seemed to get the idea that they'd be open to something if she asked.

A lot of it is her being defensive and me trying to needle information out of her without it escalating into an argument. A lot of me placating her and trying to make her feel comfortable enough to keep talking.

The apartment is mine and I suggested we take a break a few nights later, so she went to stay with a friend for the weekend. By the next Monday I'd spoken to some of my friends and my sisters (separately) and come to the conclusion that we were done and suggested she started looking for somewhere else to stay.

She was upset but didn't really argue and had the vast majority of her stuff out – and at her parent's house – by the end of the week. So, coming to two days ago, her mum reached out over Whatsapp to say she was disappointed in how I'd handled everything. The message wasn't really framed in a way that she was reprimanding me, more that she wished we could have worked it out.

She then added me to a group chat with her husband (ex's stepdad) and they both kinda tagteamed me saying that we could work it out, I was making a mistake and that I shouldn't overthink things. I eventually got it out of them that my ex had fed them a very vague story that we had broken up because she'd "wanted to take the next step in our relationship" and that I'd freaked out.

We'd argued and she'd been effectively kicked out. Her stepdad was leaning on the fact that he "thought I was more mature than this," and her mum just kept repeating how disappointing this whole situation was.

So, I was pissed.

In the heat of the moment, I told them I had the recording of our conversation that I could send that would explain what she ACTUALLY meant about 'taking the next step'. I initially tried to email it to them, but it was being a ballache so I eventually shared it via Drive.

In the meantime, I took a few screenshots of my ex and I's messages (ones where she had made jokes and comments about s-x with our friends and a lady from her office) and sent them along to that shared chat group. I haven't heard back since – again, it's been two days – and I don't feel as vindicated anymore.

A good few of my ex's comments were about other women, and I'm freaking out because I don't know how (if at all) open she's been about her s-uality with them. I also think I shouldn't have engaged at all and I shouldn't have felt the need to 'prove my innocence' to either of them.

AITA? I've checked in with friends, and over social media, and it doesn't look like there has been any fallout. Also, my ex blocked me a week ago (before I spoke to her parents) so I can't really contact her without going in person. And, at this point, is it too late to even give her a heads up or check-in?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update/edit.

To address points I have seen in comments. We don't live in the US and we have no laws on recording private conversations on the books. I am not proud of doing it, but it wasn't illegal. Mary and I had several mature, calm conversations about what we both wanted out of this relationship. Mary wasn't sure if she wanted to stay and kind of admitted to self-sabotaging by asking about opening the relationship.

Mary and I are have been friends since we were eleven, her mum was my coach when I swam competitively and our friend group and families are very close and intermingled, so she was wary about what would happen if we went on a break or fully broke up. I was not trying to punish her for being open to polyamory.

TW below: Mary and I are both bi and, when I was in my last year of high school I was involved in an inappropriate relationship with a teaching assistant. He was eventually locked up, but during the time we were involved, he convinced me to be with other people as well. When I eventually said no and tried to cut him off.

Mary knew all of the above – as she helped me through it at the time – and I was very clear that I can't do something like that again. I know that what I went through wasn't an actual open relationship, but it was very much framed as one and that has stuck with me. I would never put down other people for doing it, but I made this all very clear to Mary and the other serious relationship I was in before her.

I've carried a lot of issues from then into future relationships (and I am in therapy and have worked with Mary to not punish her fro what other people have done to me) but for as great and supportive Mary was, she did have an issue with trying to gaslight me.

She would say one thing and then, typically during an argument, would vehemently argue otherwise and genuinely make me question myself. It took her coming to therapy with me (and me sometimes showing her texts) for her to realise this was a problem and we had been working on it together.

Me recording her was still not right, but it wasn't an attempt to gather something incriminating it was just a response. It was a poor response that I shouldn't have done, but it wasn't malicious nor did I intend to send it to anyone at the time. Also, since making this post and reading your replies, I have gone back to her parents to apologise.

I did initially try and tell them that she wasn't being honest and that I wanted to keep things private, but they kept going on about me being immature and that this was disappointing. I'll be honest, I got a bit angry again rereading some of their messages, but it really didn't warrant me outing Mary the way I did. I appreciate everyone's judgement.

People had a lot to say about this situation.

TheVaneja wrote:

You're defending yourself because she couldn't be honest and unleashed her parents on you. Any results are her responsibility. NTA.

OP responded:

I don't think she intentionally sicced her parents on me, but I also feel like I don't even know who she really is at this point. I also don't like the feeling of just making shit difficult for her, even though she's clearly still telling half truths.

Graceful-Maria wrote:

You're NTA for feeling the need to defend yourself against your ex's lies to her parents, but sharing the recording and screenshots was probably not the best approach.

OP responded:

That's kinda where I have been stewing for the past few days. I don't feel bad for defending myself (so to speak) but yeah, I feel like I went too far. Especially with the screenshots. I'm furious with her, but I also don't want her hurt or put out from her family because of me. I just wish I could be angry, tell her to go fuck herself and move on.

Suitable_Magazine_25 wrote:

YTA - sharing those private details was too much. You could have told them the truth but to expose such an intimate conversation was crossing the line. She wasn’t an AH - she’s right to ask the question but if it’s not for you, it’s not for you. It’s as if you’re punishing her for having different s-ual standards to you.

Also why do you care what her parents think of you - she’s obviously glossed over the details because she doesn’t want to share her intimate fantasies which is completely normal. How was she know they were going to contact you?

OP responded:

There's a lot of baggage for me personally with "open relationships" that I have been open with her about in the past. It is fairly heavy and I don't want to just dump it on you, but she very much asked the question knowing I would say no and that I wouldn't be willing to continue our relationship because of it.

However, whether you believe me or not (and I wholly understand if you don't), I'm not trying to punish her for being polygamous or for being open with me about it. As for her family and me, we've actually known each other since we were pre-teens. I used to swim competitively and her mum was my teacher, then my coach and also worked with me at our highschool.

She's, effectively, a second mother to me – and her stepdad and I have always been on really good terms –and I think that's why I took them reprimanding me so personally. It wasn't right of me to expose that side of her to them in the way that I did.

ExtremeAd7729 wrote:

How would you have handled it knowing what you know now?

OP responded:

Tbh, I'd have just stopped responding. I had already said that she wasn't telling the truth but hadn't exposed what had actually happened. Ultimately, being labelled as a guy who isn't ready for marriage isn't bad.

ExtremeAd7729 responded:

But it affected your relationship with her parents. And she needed to learn it's not ok to lie and sabotage your relationship with them. Even revealing true things is iffy.

OP responded:

I know. I love her parents (and, no matter how angry and upset I am, I still love Mary) and though her lies piss me off, I could live with it. If it had escalated, I could have met them in person and played some of the conversation to clear my name. But sending the screenshots was too much and I know my intentions at the time were malicious.

I wasn't just doing it to clear my name, I was doing it because I was mad and wanted to hurt them and hurt her. Looking back, I am not proud of that and would have rather taken the L.

A day later, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone.

I want to preface this with a genuine thank you. I came to this sub because my mind was all over the place yesterday and you all helped me clear it up a little, even the people who clearly weren't trying to be helpful.

As a result, on reflection, I'm not sorry for recording her. I understand that people don't like the idea of being recorded by an intimate partner, epsecially when having an intimate conversation – and you, naturally, support Mary on that front out of solidarity – but all I can say is, you do not know what Mary is like or what our relationship was like either.

A little before she came to therapy with me (and the incident that pushed me to try and get her to come with me), Mary texted me to pick her up a Smarties McFlurry on the way home from work.

When I brought it home and gave it to her, she told me she asked for a Dairy Milk one (one they don't even do here anymore) and rolled her eyes at me "not listening to her again". Trying to show her what she had sent led to a 15 minute shouting match which resulted in her throwing her ice cream at the wall and shattering my phone screen.

That's one incident of many. She once told me I was flirting for holding the door open for a group because there were "girls you were clearly trying to impress" with them and went on such a long tirade about my male chivalry was just a selfish way to gain attention from women beyond her.

I am not apologising anymore for recording her. I wouldn't have had such a visceral need to defend myself if I wasn't with someone who hept hurting me. I made that recording because I knew she would lie, and she did.

But I thought she would lie to me, not to other people, and I wanted it STRICTLY so I had her words, there on my phone, should she start claiming she said anything else. At the end of the day though, we didn't end up having any of that and we parted maturely. I understand that a lot of you won't believe that was my intention, and I'll just have to live with that.

Beyond all that, I am still sorry for sending it to her parents as a way to get back at her. Her parents have always been very pro-LGBTQ+, so although it wasn't right to out her, I was massively overthinking them harming her or kicking her out. At most, exposing her interest in polyamory would have embarrassed her, but nothing I shared would have put her in any danger.

That being said, I saw red during that exchange and saw this as a way to FINALLY show people I wasn't "misremembering" things. It was spiteful and vindictive and I can see so many different ways I could have dealt with the situation more calmly, but I was angry and I didn't do any of them. And for that I am still sorry.

Like I said in the edit to my previous post, I apologised to her parents. I apologised for getting angry, cussing them out and for sharing private information about their daughter to them. I fully acknowledged that I was being spiteful and that it was a harsh escalation of a response.

Anne and Paul (what I'll call them for this post) accepted it at face value, but asked if I could come over for lunch this afternoon so we could have an actual conversation. It was nice, but really awkward too. Mary wasn't there, I apologised again and Paul and Anne said they were sorry for interfering and not giving me a chance to tell my side.

We both agreed we'd acted inappropriately and that, going forward, we wouldn't involved ourselves in this topic. Left things on relatively better terms, but I'm not going to talk to them for a while. Above everything, they are Mary's parents and they will always be in her corner (as parents should be) so keeping my distance is in everyone's best interests.

As for Mary, she unblocked me late last night and let loose a tirade of angry messages. They mostly, of course, consisted of how creepy and disgusting I was for recording her. Again, I recorded her because I knew she'd lie and all she did was prove my point, to which (despite still cussing me out) she had no real response for.

I got from her, Anne and Paul that things are understandably awkward – after what I'd shared – but she's still staying with them, for the time being. They've not discussed it with her, beyond letting her know they'd heard the recording and now knew she'd lied, but there has been no indication of negative consequences.

And that's it. I'm reeling from four years of a relationship being over, of my girlfriend and best friend using my own trauma as a way to make me breakup with her and then pretending everything was okay just to lie about me behind my back.

But what is hurting me more is how I only now understand, from reading replies to my post and talking to my friends, that I was with yet another abuser and I am nowhere near as strong – or as over what happened to me – as I thought.

Thanks for your help.

The responses kept rolling in.

Depressed_Cupcake13 wrote:

NTA. I am a woman and I had to start actively recording/taking notes of conversations that I had with my mother. That’s when I started realizing how often she outright lied to me.

I sympathize with you and wish you the best!

Maximum-3712 wrote:

It must be hard to ignore the inappropriate responses, but thanks for posting the update. There's something peaceful about your conversation with her parents, because they aren't so bitter about what you did with the recording.

And they're aware that butting in with incorrect accusations was part of what led to what you did with the recording. I hope you encounter more people who bring out the peacefulness in your life.

OP wrote:

In addition to my post, I want to make something crystal clear. The people still going through the comments claiming that Mary asking for an open relationship is some indicator of modern women (or her) being inherently promiscuous – or using it to push some narrative – were weird and annoying.

In addition, the people who deliberately skewed the order of events and/or tried to patronisingly psychoanalyse me (to try and frame me as worse than I actually am) were especially unhelpful.

I understand that what I did struck a nerve with a lot of people, and I wholeheartedly recognise how I did not do what a lot of people would have preferred I do in that situation, but I came to this sub for advice and judgement. So, please judge me for what I did, not what you think I did.

FoxySlyOldStoatyFox wrote:

Ah, a gaslighting ex-girlfriend. Memories…

You’re right, not all women are like this. But it hurts when you sink several years of your life into someone who is.

PolygonMan wrote:

I mean, the very fact that you knew she would start lying and recorded her to protect yourself from gaslighting shows that it was a toxic relationship. Emotional manipulation, including gaslighting, is a form of mistreatment. Also throwing things against walls, breaking your phone, all that other crap. You've been ab-ed for years. She wasn't your best friend, she was your ab--er.

What you need is to get away from her and her family completely. To completely separate for a nice long chunk of time so you can get some perspective. Because the fact that you were with her for 4 years means that you have some s-t to work out. No one, literally not one human being on the planet should accept being with someone like her.