'AITA for severing from my friends over someone's autistic behavior?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for severing from my friends over someone's autistic behavior?"

I am 27F. I moved to a new town last year for a new job, and after a few months found a social group in the new town that I get along very well with and we have similar interests and hobbies. However, one part of this group is 'Sam.' Sam is autistic, functional but he doesn't really get social interaction for the most part, and his brother 'Nate' brings him to everything we do.

While I find him a little off-putting (he has a habit of laughing at inappropriate moments and will ramble for hours about some subjects if someone mentions them), I get that it's not his fault and have always made an effort to be polite and considerate to him.

Over the last four or five months, Sam has developed a very unsubtle crush on me - from what Nate has said, I get the impression I'm the nicest any girl around his age has ever been to him.

He constantly goes out of his way to buy things for me, even when I insist that I can pay for it myself, obsessively follows me on social media, asks if we can hang out just the two of us, which I always say no to, and has repeatedly asked me if I have a boyfriend, which I don't.

I don't because I'm gay, though I'm not open about it to everyone. And even if I was interested in men, Sam is not my type between his mental difficulties and us simply not having any interests in common. I have not told Sam that I'm gay, but I have repeatedly and firmly told him that I am not interested in him.

Sam has not been taking the hint, and my friends, including Nate, have told me they think it's cute that Sam is interested in me and encourage me to not take him seriously. Last week, things escalated. My birthday was last week, and due to quarantine measures a few of my friends sent me gifts in the mail - a starbucks gift card, a gift over Steam, things like that.

Sam, however, sent me a box of very expensive lingerie, easily hundreds of dollars' worth (even weirder, it fits me so he somehow knows my size), and a long letter confessing how much he's in love with me and wants to see me wearing it 'but not for too long! =^.='

I know where Sam lives, with his and Nate's parents, called their parents on the phone, and drove over to their house to return the lingerie. The parents were very weirded out but promised to talk with Sam.

A couple of days ago, Sam sent me the lingerie in the mail again, with another long letter that this time said how he understands how surprised I must have been but he can't wait to see me in it. I sent messages to Nate and the rest of my friends that I am not comfortable being around Sam anymore, and will not be meeting up with them in the future if Sam is there.

When my friends blew up at me for hating Sam because he's different and 'leading him on,' I shut down my social media account and blocked all of them. Now that I've had a day or two to calm down, I'm wondering if that was an overreaction.

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

[deleted] wrote:

INFO - Did you directly respond to Sam when you returned the lingerie? This sounds like you've told everyone except Sam that you're not interested in Sam. You're not leading him on, but I'm not clear on why you didn't communicate clearly and directly with him when the problems started.

OP responded:

I did tell him. The first time he asked if I had a boyfriend, I told him "No, and I'm not looking for one." I have, on several occasions before the lingerie, told him to his face "I'm flattered that you like me, but I don't feel the same way, do not want to spend time with you without the rest of the group, and would appreciate it if you'd stop buying things for me and asking if I have a boyfriend."

takatori wrote:

INFO: I sent messages to Nate and the rest of my friends that I am not comfortable being around Sam anymore.

Does this mean you told them about the lingerie and letters?

OP responded:

I told them about the letters, not the lingerie beyond that it was a very expensive gift (my guess is that it's at least a couple hundred dollars' worth) and did stress that the letters specifically included s#$ual comments.

Nocturnal_Loon wrote:

NTA. Plus, I don’t think you’re severing ties over “autistic” behavior - it’s creepy, stalking behavior. It shouldn’t be condoned, which it sounds like his friends are doing.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Thank you everyone for your support, and I learned a lot from reading the comments to this thread! Particularly that I was wrong to ascribe Sam's behavior to his autism, it's just him being a creepy stalker with no boundaries.

I took some of the thread's advice and confronted Sam's parents and Nate about this directly. Per the thread's advice, I went accompanied by a [male] cousin of mine who lives in the area who I trust after I explained the situation, plus the mace I habitually carry in my purse. In short, Sam's stalking extends beyond what I was aware of, that's how he knew my size for the lingerie.

In fact that was only one of several gift boxes he'd bought for me on a schedule he'd written up about how our relationship would go in his mind - he'd spent, no joke, more than a thousand dollars on me. The parents confirmed that it was all Sam's own money from his job, but that part of his cognitive problems is a total inability to grasp money.

Also, Nate specifically encouraged Sam's crush on me behind my back. I am, apparently, by far the nicest and most considerate any woman has been to Sam, and both Nate and Sam thought I was attracted to Sam, to the point of Nate and Sam telling their parents that Sam had found a girlfriend.

Nate has his reasons that I don't want to get into (I'm not saying I agree with his reasons, because I don't), but I told Nate, Sam, and their parents that I am not and never will be interested in Sam. It's not because Sam is autistic, or because he's white and I'm not. I did not tell them it's because I'm gay, just that I am simply not interested, never will be interested, and find his behavior extremely creepy.

I concluded with telling them that I am willing to not contact the police or start legal measures about a restraining order if I never see Sam again, but that I have begun documenting his behavior, including making copies of Sam's letters, in the event that I need to. I told Nate and his parents that Sam needs serious help before his behavior does escalate to legal and criminal consequences.

I hope Sam can get the help he needs, my impression is that he genuinely thought he was being romantic and acting like people do in the movies and TV shows he watches, and no one was telling him that's not how real life works.

Their parents, at least, seemed to take this seriously, but as I left to get in my car Nate shoved the box of lingerie into my arms and told me to keep it and maybe I should 'stop being such a frigid b#$h.'

I've made sure my apartment manager knows what Sam and Nate look like and what their phone numbers are, and to not let them into the complex or give them any information about me, and have laid out steps to change my routine in case Sam tries to resume his previous behavior.

The internet was glad to hear an update.

bacoj13 wrote:

As someone who is on the spectrum themself and has worked with people on all sides of the spectrum I think your perception of what he was doing (copying actions from thing he saw in media) is spot on. He most likely was having a difficult time processing and expressing his feelings for you in a socially acceptable manner.

From the way you describe Sam, it seems that he would be on the mid to low functioning side of the spectrum. This would exaggerate the aforementioned difficulties. In regards to the “gifts” A common occurrence in people on the spectrum is echolalia. This is most commonly portrayed as someone who just repeats movie lines or things of that nature, however, it can take many forms.

The most recent occurrence of this in the national spotlight that I can think of is the young man who won America’s Got Talent last year. To me it was obvious that he was exhibiting echolalia because he sang the songs exactly the way they were on the recording.

This echolalia would lead Sam to believe that if he did these things he would be able to enter a relationship with you, based on what he saw in pop culture and forms of media.

I would be careful in how you talk about not wanting to date him. I understand your sentiment that his personality is not something you want to deal with, but please be careful and say something like that instead of just saying “autism.” Many people have autism you just may not know it. High functioning people can hide in plain sight. Lastly, if anyone here is TA it is Nate.

Randomndude01 wrote:

Oh dear god. I have a cousin exactly like this. Coddled by his parents who also forced everyone else to accommodate him beyond reasonable means and never making him appropriately accountable for some of the s#$t he does.

They always excuse him as being incapable to understand normal human interaction, which while true, was not impossible for him to either understand or at least understand that others may see as bad even if he personally doesn’t.

It was “cute” when he was like less than half their size, but terrifying once he grew up. While he was never outright perverted, many of us who’ve interacted with him would at least once, catch him j#$king off in a bathroom holding on a phone with a picture of someone we knew, one time was his aunt.

Last I heard was that he’d improved over the years, can mostly hold on his own without constant surveillance and even had a girlfriend, though I’m not sure if it actually went well with how it was told to me.

rosiesunfunhouse wrote:

This is part of why infantilizing autistic people is a problem. By casting his behavior off this way, the toxic friends enabled Sam and the toxic creepy brother REALLY enabled Sam. OP is, by her own and her ex-friends’ accounts, the only one here who communicated with him like a real person.