'AITA for shouting at my husband when he came into the room during a timed test?'

"AITA for shouting at my husband when he came into the room during a timed test?"

About 3 months ago I was laid off from my job in the tech industry. It was unexpected and a big hit for me mentally, as I enjoy working and feeling like I'm good at my job and contributing.

I've been working through a resulting identity crisis with my therapist, but I absolutely hate being at home and not having a routine, so I've also been applying far and wide. I've had a couple interviews, but none have led to an offer yet. Last week I was invited to complete a timed written test for a company that I would love to work for.

They informed me in advance the timed test would last an hour, and told me the date and time when they would send it to me. I'm someone who gets extremely nervous during interviews and these things, and so I spent a lot of time preparing, but I also told my husband that I will need to not be disturbed during the test at all.

I asked him to please not walk into the room during the duration of the test, at all, and to not bother me in any way, because I know how stressed I get and how I need maximum focus, and he reassured me that he understood.

Fast forward to the test yesterday, I was taking it in our second bedroom/office with the door closed. With about 15 minutes to go, the nerves and stress started to set in, and I was a little frantic trying to finish the task and leave myself time to proofread. That's when my husband walked into the room saying "sorry ignore me ignore me."

Right away I said "please get out" and he said "ignore me I just need to grab something quickly" and started digging through the drawer of the desk I was sitting at. That's when I lost my temper and yelled "I can't ignore you, I need you to not be standing over me right now, just get the f--k out!"

He left and made a point to slam the door. Afterwards, I came out to apologise to him and explain that I was just really stressed, and that I had asked him, repeatedly, to stay out of the second bedroom for one hour. He said he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal and that I massively overreacted by snapping, and hurt his feelings. It's been over 24 hours and he's still mad at me. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

dowjess555 wrote:

Why did you apologise at all? How are you not recognising that he tried to sabotage you? At the draw you were SITTING AT? Is he supportive of your career? Do you make more money than him? Have you had disagreements on whether you should be taking on more domestic duties? Have you had conversations re children?

He knew exactly what he was doing and frankly you UNDER reacted. Why is his hurt feelings a whole thing when he’s the one who f--ked YOU up?

Edit: it seems like some people really don’t understand why OP’s behaviour amounts to sabotage, as opposed to just someone being inconsiderate.

Being inconsiderate implies that you are UNAWARE of what impact your behaviour has on someone else. When that person has asked you not to do x for the sole purpose of avoiding certain harm, and you do x anyway, you don’t get to play the “oh I’m just stupid” card. You don’t get plausible deniability when you were EXPRESSLY TOLD certain harm would result from a specific action.

Furthermore, if he was just stupid, and his wife yelled at him, someone who was being “just stupid and inconsiderate” would APOLOGIZE for causing the exact harm that his wife had told him would happen if he did the exact thing he said he wouldn’t do. The fact that he doubled down and is now turning it back on her, shows that it’s not just sheer stupidity.

OP responded:

He hasn't been working in the past year, he trades crypto and and he did make a lot of money off it this year, but I'm the one who had a more stable income until I was laid off.

Otherwise_Degree729 wrote:

NTA. Not only did he disturb you when you had asked him not to enter the room for one hour but he started rummaging into the desk drawers, the desk you were taking the test on There’s no way someone is so clueless, he had to have done it on purpose to sabotage you for some reason. I can’t immagine someone can be so clueless and tactless.

Even if you weren’t nervous, having someone go through desks drawers while you’re taking a time limited test can be disruptive. To top it he is now gaslighting you instead of taking accountability.

Viva_Veracity1906 wrote:

Nothing was so important he couldn’t wait 20 minutes. There is no such thing as a headphone emergency. He had one task, do not disturb, something a 10 year old can manage for an hour, and he deliberately not only came in but in axes your personal space to rummage around looking for bloody headphones. NTA. And now he’s emotionally manipulated you into taking blame.

Your husband’s behavior in this episode is toxic and more disturbingly, seems well practiced. You should perhaps consider his response to all this as it indicates his lack of support and responsibility is a deeper issue.

A normal person would instinctively know they F’d up and how and why and be groveling apologies. He instead goes straight to gaslighting blame. No wonder you’d rather be out of the house at work, home seems an exhausting terrain.

AdChemical1663 wrote:

NTA. he could have waited for fifteen more minutes. A few summers ago I needed three and a half hours of quiet for a test. I found my husband and told him to leave me alone, and got started. Twenty minutes later he wanders over and starts talking to me. Apparently, the look on my face when I turned to him reminded him of the conversation because he immediately shut his mouth, turned around, and left.

When I was done I found him to see what was so important. He apologized profusely, his ADHD meds had kicked in and made him chatty and he just…forgot. That your husband interrupted you is one thing. But that he KEPT IT UP after you reminded him is unacceptable.