'AITA for siding with my SIL over my wife when it comes to how their childhoods shaped them?' UPDATED

"AITA for siding with my [28M] SIL [34F] over my wife [26F]?"

My wife is a beautiful hard working woman who has a high education and a solid career. We were college sweethearts and have been married 2 years. We own a house together, we both have masters degrees and careers that we worked hard for. We're currently trying for a baby as we're ready to take the next step in our lives.

From what I gathered from my in-laws, my wife's older sister is her half sibling. They have the same father but grew up in different households. After their father's infidelity in his first marriage with my SIL's mom, her parents divorced then my FIL remarried and had my wife with his new wife.

I heard my SIL grew up in poverty with her mother in a run down area and saw my FIL on weekends. My wife's parents (FIL and MIL) are very educated and have solid careers as well. My wife grew up in a two parent household in the suburbs. Apparently my SIL is also disabled.

I'm a very empathetic person and was curious to know what happened so I gently brought it up to my SIL during an outdoor family get together. She confirmed it was all true and went into further detail. She had multiple surgeries for medical conditions, was b-llied in school, almost passed away twice, her mother was poor and struggling, etc.

Despite her degree she's been trying to get employed for years and has used temp agencies but she said employers terminate her as soon as she requests accommodations so she's been on/off government assistance for years. She's also medically sterile. She's apparently also been in therapy for over 10 years.

At this point my SIL started tearing up so I ended the conversation and apologized for asking. Later on at home when I brought up the conversation to my wife, she immediately goes on to say that her sister has a tendency to play the victim, she needs to be patient, work harder, etc, etc.

After getting to know my SIL more though I'm even more grateful for what I have. My wedding with my wife was paid for by our family, we have solid careers that we got right out of college, we're in great health, we have a bunch of friends and were never b-llied in school.

When I brought up that I'm so thankful that we're so fortunate, my wife immediately got defensive and goes on about hard work, not to let the past define you, anyone can make it if they try hard enough, etc. I've never seen this side of her before. While I acknowledge we've both worked very hard to get where we are, I gently told her we do have our parents and upbringings to thank for that.

She snapped at me. She's a licensed counselor but I honestly thought she would be more empathetic to her own family member who's been through so much. I definitely would. Thankfully my siblings never went through that but I couldn't even imagine if they did. AITA for taking my SIL's side over my wife's?

A little bit after making the original post, OP jumped on with a clarifying update.

EDIT: Thank you for the replies and sorry for any confusion. What I left out is what confuses me the most is I'm hearing things from my other in-laws that match up with what my SIL said. Basically it's my wife's word against my SIL, FIL, BIL, MIL, etc. My SIL is also apparently low contact with FIL and FIL doesn't know why. It's all confusing to me.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the dynamic.

StAlvis wrote:

INFO

"I honestly thought she would be more empathetic to her own family member who's been through so much." What makes you think she doesn't know more of the story than you do?

OP responded:

Sorry if I didn't go into further detail. I originally found out information from other family members. While we were dating and engaged as well, I noticed that when it came to family gatherings her younger siblings showed up but never her older one.

FIL would bring it up saying his oldest wasn't attending again so I wondered what that family dynamic is. My SIL recently admitted that she's low contact with my FIL. Also for Christmas for example my wife's parents said to get medical supplies for the oldest's gifts. Those are a couple examples.

Innersight wrote:

"Also for Christmas for example my wife's parents said to get medical supplies for the oldest's gifts." Bro, what a sh--tty christmas gift!?😶

"Here are some medical supplies for this horrible, unshakable medical condition you have in the spirit of celebration. Hope you like it!🤩".

OP responded:

I agree and was baffled at the time but went along with it.

Discount_Mithral wrote:

I was really ready to go the other way on this, but - NTA. You are recognizing your privilege for what it is. Good health, family wealth, no real debt, home ownership, careers right out of college - things a lot of people in your generation, and even those in the generations above you, will never see.

Your wife's take on this is harsh. My guess is that there is past resentment from the infidelity on your father's part, but putting that blame on the child of someone else's mistake is so wrong. You have to decide if it's worth the fight in your household about this topic, however. Your SIL sounds like she's had a rough life, and your wife sounds bitter AF.

Edit: Actually, OP's wife is the product of infidelity - albeit after the father chose to end his marriage to SIL's mom. I have no idea why she would be so bitter other than perhaps SIL getting more attention from being sick. Which, I'm sure SIL would have traded for NOT being sick.

Beep_beep_crunchcrunch wrote:

I agree with most of this. And I also came here prepared for a different outcome. It sounds to me like his wife has grown up with blinders on and relying very heavily on what her mother (and possibly father) have been saying about his first family.

INFO: OP, how did you find out that your wife’s father cheated? Is that common knowledge?

Is the father not helping out financially? Did your wife’s college get paid for? And what about her half-sister’s? Ultimately, NTA. Maybe not worth digging in unless OP wants to risk his relationship. These types of family dynamics are tricky to navigate and obviously this is something the wife is touchy about.

OP responded:

Funny you should ask. Shortly before the wedding, my FIL had a talk with me in private and basically told me he cheated on his ex-wife and it was something he wishes he could take back because he was young and dumb (his words). He then told me to be a good loyal man to my wife. He's religious if that makes any sense.

I asked him if anyone else in the family knows. He said they do but he wanted to let me know since I'm considered family. Basically he was telling me not to make the same past decision that he did. This was shortly before the wedding.

hideeho_neighborino wrote:

Did the FIL ever help the disabled SIL? It sounds like FIL is living a comfortable life now.

OP responded:

Yes he does when he can but from what I've heard from him lately his oldest has lowered contact over the past year or so. When I was talking to my SIL she admitted that she's gone low contact with my FIL even though she loves him.

RHND2020 wrote:

INFO: what do you mean “from what you gathered” from the in-laws, you “heard” your SIL grew up in poverty, etc.? You brought stuff up with your SIL? Did you ever bring stuff up with your wife?

Did you ever ask her the story of her childhood, and her perspective on her SIL and the details of their relationship? So you talked to the SIL and then never having discussed any of these issues with your wife, you immediately decided you knew better than your wife what the story was? Seems weird.

OP responded:

Sorry, the character limit didn't allow me to exceed 3000 on the post. I've seen patterns over the years of our dating, getting engaged then married of what her sister told me. For example when FIL (before wife and I were married) asked me if I can give his oldest daughter a ride to the local assistance office. He explained that she medically can't drive due to her condition and surgeries.

I had work so I couldn't but that's one example. Another being during Christmas when MIL and FIL asked to get medical supplies for my SIL as her Christmas gifts. There's a lot more examples but it eventually got me wondering and my in-laws went into some details here and there. Then the talk with my SIL seemed to match up with things.

RHND2020 responded:

Thanks for the info. I am still a bit confused why it doesn’t sound like you and your wife have discussed this more. When things get you wondering, do you ask your wife directly? But yeah, I could see how your wife has chosen to blame her sister for her circumstances rather than admit to herself that her father has created some of the issues. Sounds like she scored the good childhood while her sister did not.

OP responded:

You're welcome and thanks for responding. Every once in a great while my wife and I will have conversations regarding our parents and siblings. For example if there's an upcoming event we want to go to or host.

My wife doesn't seem to like to talk about my SIL though and that's another thing that got me wondering. At family get together they seemed like a healthy, happy family. More often than not, her older sister was absent for the gathering.

Tiny-Ad-830 wrote:

Here’s the thing. Your wife has spent a lifetime hearing about how she had more advantages, more time with their dad, etc than SIL did. She has heard her sister complain for years about her life. At some point, the SIL needs to do something different.

Because doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome is not working. Your wife has heard the complaining much longer than you have and has probably tried her best to help but when the person doesn’t take the advice and at least try, then there isn’t anything you can do.

My sister is 16 years older than me and was from my dad’s previous marriage. I grew up having to hear about how lucky I was compared to her. Her life was horrible, mine was beautiful. She would never listen to the challenges I had with our dad and my mom even though she constantly complained about how my mother treated her.

She got pregnant at 18 and was forced to marry her boyfriend. Then she complained about that her whole life. She never took accountability for her role in things. Maybe your wife has tried to help. People do have to do the work to improve their station. I can understand your wife’s frustration. Just because she is a therapist doesn’t mean she isn’t still human.

TemptingPenguin369 wrote:

INFO: You say "I heard my SIL grew up in poverty." Who did you hear that from?

OP responded:

My FIL and MIL. My SIL said the word poverty. My in-laws say less resources. Then follow it with saying that she's very loved and that God will provide. Things will get better, etc. My in-laws are religious. They go to church on weekends.