'AITA to skip my parent’s annual Christmas tree tradition? I want to start my own traditions.'

"AITA to skip my parent’s annual Christmas tree tradition because I’m 6 months pregnant and want to start new traditions of our own?"

I’m a 33 year old first time mom, my husband (34) and I are expecting our first baby and I’m 6 months pregnant. I am the oldest of 4 kids and every year my parents would take us 45 minutes into the mountains to cut down a Christmas tree from their friend’s Christmas tree farm. It’s been a family tradition for as long as I can remember. Rain or shine we’d be up there the first week of December doing this.

I never particularly enjoyed the tradition personally. It’s usually freezing cold, wet, and this particular Xmas tree farm is kind of boring (imo) because it’s so remote and they don’t offer any amenities like some of the other tree farms in the area do. For example, think fire pits, activities for small children, hot cocoa, wreath making, etc.

It’s just very bare bones. My parents like it cuz it’s their friend’s place and we’ve gone every year and they don’t like change. Since marrying my husband 8 years ago I’ve gone along with this tradition even though my husband and I both dislike it, and we find it to be a thing that my dad guilts us into going along with.

My younger siblings (none of them have kids) also kind of guilt trip me by saying things like “none of us like it but we just do it for dad, why are you being an AH.” This year my husband is really asking me to put my foot down and break away from this tradition so that we can start our own tradition for our daughter.

Something that we actually look forward to and that is more kid friendly. There are some lovely tree farms in our area (Northern California) that are very kid friendly that we’d like to check out. I offered to my parents “hey how about we try this other tree farm cuz it has stuff for kids and fire pits and stuff, and I think that could be a fun change.”

And they said “no our tradition is to go to Joey’s place.”

My dad is sending texts like “come on this is a tradition I cherish and it’s only an hour of your time, what’s the big deal?” My sisters are sending texts like “if you want to try the other farm then just do both, what’s your problem, just do it for dad.”

The thing is though - it’s not an hour of my time. It’s 45 mins from our house to the farm, 45 mins back, a couple hours at the farm, and it’s an experience my husband and I never particularly enjoy for a variety of reasons. We’d really like to scope out a more fun and kid friendly place to bring our daughter to.

My parents have always been loving parents who mean well so I have no real complaints about how they raised me, which is part of why this makes it so hard for me to say no to them. AITA for declining to continue this family of origin xmas tradition with my parents now that I’m having children of my own? My family says I am. What do you all think?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

ms_sinn wrote:

NTA…especially being 6 months pregnant. Seems like a trek. And then when you have a kid what will you want to do? That said? What are the other family traditions? Is this the only one that’s important or are there other ones coming up for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?

Why do I ask? I hated traveling with my kids on 12/24 and 12/25… so if I could give up actual Christmas Day drama by having a family day earlier to get a tree? Good trade off.

My kids wanted to stay home on Christmas Day and open gifts and play with gifts - cool whoever wants to join us- but traveling with kids that day was not fun for any of us. So think about this day, other days, both families. What do you want to do and how do you include your families as appropriate. Go from there.

OP responded:

This is great advice to think about this for the future! I agree that hauling a baby or a kid around on Christmas Day would not be fun for us or them.

RickRusselTX wrote:

NTA. OP. Slow down. Stop all this. You and your husband are your own family. If you'd prefer to do something different, don't negotiate, don't argue, don't justify, don't defend yourself, don't explain. "Hubs and I have decided to do something different this year. Have fun and send me the photos."

By focusing on nitpicky details like amenities, distance, etc. you're basically saying, "here are my reasons, now start arguing with me and tell why my reasons suck." Stop doing that. It's exhausting. You don't need to justify yourself. "Not this year, but thank you for asking" is all you need to say.

OP responded:

LOVE this! Thank you!

Firefly_browncoat wrote:

YTA. I think you’re being disingenuous framing this as wanting to start your own traditions when there’s nothing stopping you from doing both. You just think it’s boring and you don’t feel like doing it anymore which is understandable. But sometimes the internet advice tends to be black and white (Don’t do anything you don’t feel like doing, ever, not even for someone you love.)

Real life is more complicated and nuanced than that. And while it’s true that it’s within your rights to say no, ask yourself if skipping this tradition and not spending just a few hours with your family is worth making your dad sad over something that clearly means so much to him. As someone who’s lost a parent, one day you might look back on this and wish you chose differently.

Jamintime wrote:

Eh, have to go with ESH.

You clearly aren't into this tradition and it's ok to push back to the point of not going if you really don't like it. Sounds frustrating that your family isn't listening to you.

That said, it's a little disingenuous to say it's because you want to start a new Christmas tradition. I have three little kids, two separated parents and a pair of in-laws. We have traditions with each parts of our family plus traditions just for the five of us. It's not a zero-sum game and you can create new traditions while upholding the old.

Don't be those parents that expect everyone to cater to your every need because you have a kid now (you don't even have one yet!). Either suck it up for this mediocre tradition or bail, but don't make it about your unborn child. If you use the baby as leverage it will only cause resentment down the road.

SnooDonkeys2480 wrote:

You’re 6 months pregnant. A baby in the womb isn’t going to remember any of it. One more year, and then start the new family tradition. Or alternate years. One year the tradition with your parents (this year) since the baby isn’t even born yet, and next year your new tradition with the baby.

The following year, with your parents. You’re being ridiculous. This is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. An unborn baby isn’t going to be celebrating the new tradition with you this year. Not everything has to be kid friendly.

Aellareeves wrote:

My Dad loved Christmas time. He had some Christmas traditions I didn't love. But now he is gone I would give ANYTHING to have him here to do them again. They didn't really take that much time and it made him happy.