'AITA for slapping my MIL because she thinks I cheated because I'm Puerto Rican?' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for slapping my MIL because she thinks I cheated?"

Hi reddit. I made this throwaway because I need some help if knowing if I should apologize to my husband because yesterday I slapped my MIL in front of him.

For context, my husband is white and I am mixed.

My mom is Puerto Rican and my dad is white. My mom has very dark skin and my dad is pretty fair. I’m pretty white passing, which for those who don’t know, means you can’t really tell that I am Latina unless I tell you. A running family joke is that melanin skips a generation because my maternal grandpa is also very fair but my maternal great grandma is very brown.

With that out of the way, I’ll get into my situation. I have been with my husband for seven years, married for five. We have a three year old little girl who is the light of my life. When she was born, she had a head full of dark brown curls dark brown eyes and a fairly olive complexion.

She looks like me when I get tan. You can definitely tell she’s part Latino Despite knowing all this, my MIL has gotten it into her head that my daughter isn’t my husbands. She’s been telling anyone who will listen that I must have had an affair because there’s “no way her son’s child could be that color.” Yeah. How nice.

My MIL has always been standoffish with me. She never made a big effort to get to know me and was always more polite than anything else. MIL has made some off handed comments before about latinos, but husband would brush them off because she’s “from another time.”. I wanted to write off her behavior as just her not being educated enough.

I realize now that was my mistake because it gave her the okay to keep going.

When husband and I heard from SIL that MIL was saying this, we invited her over to talk about this. I was really hoping we’d be able to fix this. However, what happened was my MIL going on a rant for like fifteen minutes.

It consisted of her outing herself as a bigot. Saying she knew “girls like me” couldn’t control themselves, that she knew from the start what would happen. The nerve I had to pass my daughter off as her. Also some very colorful slurs. Husband and I were frozen in shock because she hadn’t even stepped into the house and was just screeching on our doorstep.

What snapped me out of it was when she started to insult my mom, saying she probably did the same to my dad. I don’t know what came over me next. I’ve never hit someone before. But I ended up smacking her so hard her glasses fell off.

That’s what got my husband to start talking.

Or rather yelling at his mother and me for “acting this way” while MIL started to wail. Yes. I shouldn’t have smacked her I know. That’s wrong. But hearing him imply I was in the wrong the same way MIL was made me more angry. I told him he’s just as much a racist as his mom if he was trying to make me out to be as bad as her. I got my keys from inside the house while he was trying to calm his mom down and left.

I drove to a hotel and spent the night there. Now it’s the afternoon and I haven’t left the hotel room since checking in. Husband and several other friends and family have been trying to reach me. I only replied to my SIL to tell her I’m safe at a hotel and asked her to not tell my husband what hotel I’m at. Guilt is starting to sink in and I’m questioning everything.

Like did I allow my MIL to do this. Did I showcase behavior that made her think I was cheating. Does husband think I cheated and that’s why MIL has this in her head. And of course, should I be apologizing to husband for hitting MIL. I know it's wrong and I hate making excuses but I just couldn’t handle someone talking about my family that way.

So redditors, should I be apologizing to my husband? How do we get through this? Any and all advice is appreciated.

Edit: No. My daughter was not at the house. We sent her to have a weekend sleepover with my sister's family. I’ll be picking her up tomorrow afternoon.

The commenters had OP's back.

Constant-Pen4742 wrote:

I would be scared to raise my daughter with that family. I would do a patternity just to shut any ideas with the husband but your marriage just took a hit and if he doesn't step up, it would be difficult to move on...

OP responded:

This is what I’m most afraid of. She’s a kind of “matriarch” so if we were to go NC, it would be with the rest of the family too likely. However, I don’t want my daughter in the range of an environment where she can be subjected to passing and direct comments. I don’t want her to grow up thinking she’s less because of her heritage.

HarveySnake wrote:

You slapping your MIL made your situation bad. It was wrong and unfortunately it allows her to deflect and play the victim card.

You should have challenged her: you get the paternity test, and if it comes back with your husband's baby she must

Pay you double the cost of the test.

Call everyone in the family admitting that she is an ignorant racist and must apologize publicly in front of the family to you for her racism. Carried a sign through downtime saying, "I am an ignorant bigot. please shame me."

Aggravating_Owl_8974 wrote:

You shouldn’t have hit her, but she was way out of line. Does your husband defend you when she starts?

sanguinepsychologist wrote:

I’m going to take the downvotes and say that someone who says things so horrible about you, your child, and your parents in the same monologue deserves a slap in the face, and I’m glad you took it.

Your husband is the one at fault here and he deserves the A-H crown. This is his mother. His circus, his monkey to wrangle. He failed you and your daughter by allowing her to spew that hatred and he failed to stop any of it.

Only when mommy got served did he snap…and he snapped at both of you as if you had any hand in this creating this situation.

NTA OP. Remove your daughter from these people. Your husband can follow you or not. But your daughter deserves better.

Embryw wrote:

I'm a big supporter of the "talk s-t get h-t" belief, especially when the words in question are a bunch of r@cist horse crap.

Your husband shouldn't have allowed his mother to treat you this way in the first place. Please slap r@cists.

NTA.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Thank you to everyone who gave very insightful advice. I spent quite a bit reflecting and was able to get an emergency meeting with my therapist this morning. I only have my sister here as my parents moved back to Puerto Rico to be with my grandparents five years ago.

Some questions I want to answer real quick.

How old are we? My husband is twenty eight and I just celebrated my thirtieth birthday. We met when he was twenty one and I was twenty three.

Where was my daughter? I sent her to my sister's on Friday for a weekend sleepover with my sister’s family. I picked her up Monday afternoon and we had a little mommy daughter time going to her favorite place, Costco. Yes, my three year old loves Costco. We got home around seven after we had dinner. My husband was waiting and I told him we’d talk after kiddo went to bed.

When she was for certain asleep, we sat and had a long conversation not just about the fight and his mother, but also race and culture. I saw how my family was treated based on skin color and while my husband understands r-cism, he admitted to never really grasping the complexities, especially colorism. A lot of you jumped to me taking my daughter and leaving or telling me he’d leave me.

Sorry to disappoint but no, we’re not getting a divorce or anything of the sort. He apologized to me for not standing up for me before and then, acknowledging he didn’t want to think of his mother in a that light. I also apologized for hitting her because in the end, no, it doesn’t help us. He did forgive me and said if it wasn’t his mom saying it, he’d probably slap them too.

We will be going to a marriage counselor we decided, hoping to find one that specializes in interracial marriage. Our daughter is going to face challenges in the future because of her race. It’s sad to say but unfortunately r-cism is still alive and we want to know how to protect her and uplift her so she does not feel ashamed of her heritage.

We’ve made the decision to go NC with her and any people who try to bridge communication between us and her. She will have no contact with my daughter unless it’s years down the road and she shows significant changes in her behavior.

My husband will be driving to her house tomorrow to inform her of our decision.

I’d consider a paternity test and DNA test but only if MIL pays. I don’t want to entertain this on my own dime. We’ve also decided to not make any public post regarding this. If people want to believe her story, that is on them, not us.

My husband knows our baby is his. The irony is she looks more like him than me. Her curls are even from him. I do hope this is my last update. If anything else happens, I might come back. Thank you again to everyone who gave valuable advice. I am sad my daughter won’t have a grandmother in the states, but it’s more reason for us to plan trips to PR.

The comments kept coming.

Hematoxilina-Eosina wrote:

I never support violence but I would do the same. 100%. I am a very white passing Latina and my husband is white wasp-y — if any of his family treated me like that I hope I could restrain myself to only a slap (knowing it is wrong but…r-cists should know they have to deal with consequences) Violence is wrong folks! But being racist is MUCH worse F*** r-cists.

Salty_Lemonhead wrote:

Your MIL is probably Gen X which does not explain her actions. She’s not “from another time”, people from our Gen know better. That said, I’m probably one of the only people that are going to say this: actions have consequences. She came to your home with the intention to cause distress and she suffered violence as a result. Shrug.

Icy_Spinach_48 wrote:

You dealt with this very well. People on here are too quick to suggest divorce over every problem they read about. Well done to both of you for tackling it maturely. I wish you both the very best for the future

Potential_Quit_5610 wrote:

Good for you for not jumping immediately to divorce and realizing deep connections are worth working to maintain unlike the majority of the internet. I sincerely hope everything works out great for you both! May you have many happy years together!

Four days later, OP shared another update.

Hello everyone. I think I jinxed myself by saying in my first update “I hope this will be my lasts post” because unfortunately, for a lack of a better term, shit continues to hit the fan.

For those of you saying I should be arrested for slapping my MIL, I hate to disappoint but she is not pressing charges.

This is all thanks to my husband who said he’d expose my FIL’s various affairs. Yes, it turns out that my FIL cheated numerous times on my MIL until his death two years ago. According to hubby, he was paying for s*xual favors even on his deathbed.

This is deeply disturbing because FIL and MIL appeared to have a loving marriage. Apparently, that was just for show. I can’t even begin to imagine how hubby is feeling. We talked about it and he said it’s something he felt deep shame for keeping from me, but also shame because his parents marriage wasn’t at all what they pretended it was.

Husband and I are still looking for a couple's therapist who specializes in interracial marriage. Husband is also looking for a therapist of his own after the conversation with MIL opened his eyes to a lot of other traumas and issues he feels haven’t been properly worked through. I’m so proud of him for taking these steps.

Now onto how the conversation on Wednesday went which is of course why I made this update to continue to vent. As I said in my first update, Husband went over to MIL’s house to inform her that her behavior is unacceptable and we’ll be going NC for the foreseeable future. MIL didn’t take this well. The irony is that she told Husband that he couldn’t keep her from her only grandchild.

Funny because she’s spent the week claiming our daughter wasn’t his. She threw some colorful insults at me, claiming he was never like this before he met me and that this was all my idea to hide my apparent affair. In response, husband said if she’s so certain that I’m cheating and that our daughter isn’t his, she can pay for a paternity test and a PI to find my affair partner.

You know, AP that doesn’t exist. Husband says MIL’s face turned a comical shade of red and he swears there was steam coming from her ears. This is when MIL said she’d press charges and Husband said he’d just tell everyone about FIL’s serial cheating. MIL apparently burst into tears then, got down on her knees, wailing he couldn’t leave her.

Hubby just pushed her off and left. I had already blocked her number so she can’t contact me, but she blew up Husbands phone til he came home and he blocked her. Husband is going to be sending her an email reiterating what he said about NC and until she proves she’s gotten help, understands she was wrong, and apologizes, she won’t be seeing any of us.

Both of husband’s sisters called us to get the scoop and agreed to set the record straight with anyone who tries to get ahold of us for MIL or tries to echo her conspiracy theories. Anyone who wants to back her up can crowdfund for a paternity test and PI.

We’ve spent too long building up our finances to waste them on the ravings of a mad woman. Husband and I did read comments on the posts (I did tell him about it and show him) and we both thank you for the support and helpful comments. Husband has a special message for those doubting me and saying I should get arrested, “Get f-ed incel.”

I love this man so much and I’m so lucky to call him my husband and the father of my little girl. We’ll be celebrating MIL being out of our lives by taking our daughter out to Texas Roadhouse, eating an ungodly amount of rolls, and seeing Despicable Me 4. Wishing everyone love and thank you again for all the support.

Edit: I forgot to add this too but she also told dangled grandparents rights on the grounds that I “endangered my daughter” by taking the medication I use for my autoimmune disease during pregnancy. We doubt she’ll actually go forward with that but we will consult a lawyer regardless.

Comments kept rolling in.

Due-Coffee-6106 wrote:

It sounds like you and your husband have been through an incredibly challenging and emotional time. It’s great to hear that you’re both taking steps to address the situation with professional help and that you have a support system in place.

OP responded:

Thank you. I feel equally blessed that his two sisters support our decision to go NC and won’t be trying to defend or speak on MIL’s behalf.

SnooWords4839 wrote:

Look up emotional inc-st. MIL needs therapy to stop trying to make your husband take the place of FIL. Start that FU binder. She may call CPS and tons of other problems. Make sure she isn't on any pickup list for your child. Most states, grandparent rights go nowhere, when both parents are married. Cameras and document!

OP responded:

Thank you for saying the pickup list for daycare. Even though she’s never picked her up before, I’m realizing that’s a scenario and will be letting her daycare know.

Signal_Character7751 wrote:

Texas Roadhouse being your celebration is all i need to know about you bruh.

OP responded:

I’ll devour a full rack of ribs any day.

Oddly-Appeased wrote:

Maybe someone should tell her that in most states grandparents rights aren’t a thing when both parents of the child are alive and have agreed to cut the grandparent out. Then there is the fact that she claims your child is not her son’s which means she’s not a grandparent.😅