'AITA for snapping at my boyfriend after he targeted me in a game?' UPDATED
"AITA for snapping at my boyfriend after he targeted me in a game?"
I (F) was playing games with my boyfriend, and his friends. We played a game where the goal is to make a controversial prompt that the players of the game will be split on. The more split it is, the more points. Some more background about me, this is important. I was adopted by other relatives and have lived with them since I was 1.
My bio mother is deceased and has been for my entire life. I don't remember anything about her. I don't fully remember what the prompt was, it was something about getting money by having to delete the only picture of something you have off your phone. My boyfriend filled in the blank and wrote that the only picture you'd have to delete would be of your birth mom.
I immediately said I felt targeted, and he told me I was. I was not happy and I asked him why he did that in our DMs. He told me he did it because he wanted to win and wanted the split. He said sorry, but, he was insistent that he thought it wouldn't be a big deal and I wouldn't be so hurt. He told me he felt awful afterwards and like I had gotten way too upset. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
GreekDudeYiannis wrote:
NTA. I think there's a boundary between being irreverent vs mentioning something someone has to specifically deal with. Like, even in Cards Against Humanity, you wouldn't make certain jokes in front of someone who could be triggered. Like, that's just not cool.
Your boyfriend is upset because you made him feel bad; not because he did something that upset you. Just cause he doesn't think it isn't a big deal doesn't mean that it isn't to you, and he needs to get his head out of his a^% on that regard.
Sure, it's a game, even a raunchy one where you're supposed to say something controversial, but he didn't have to use your mom to win a round. He could've easily picked anything else but chose not to.
Principessa116 wrote:
NTA. He deliberately crossed a line.
He threw you under the figurative bus in order to win a silly game. If he doesn't understand that this was the wrong thing to do, maybe you need to rethink him entirely?
OP responded:
He told me he understands why I thought it was wrong, but at the time he didn't think I would react so badly. I know people can do things out of impulse and immediately regret it, but I just wish he had put a little more thought into it before hitting submit. He feels really bad about it though.
nerdcoffin wrote:
NTA. I know it's like, Cards Against Humanity where there are no rules and the point is to be offensive, but I think dead mom jokes are stooping a little low. I think he wouldn't be that big of an AH if he only felt awful, but I don't know if he's only feeling awful because he feels you're overreacting - which is dumb.
veeunique wrote:
NTA, he admitted that he purposely used an important thing in your life, that you may or may not be comfortable sharing to the friends, to get points during game night. And proceeded to do the “I’m sorry that you feel upset and hurt” apology, instead of a genuine apology of “I’m sorry that my actions hurt you." From an internet stranger who can get super competitive at game nights, this is not okay…:-(
rotmonster wrote:
The thing with games like cards against humanity and jackbox party games (I'm assuming you were playing a game like split the room on jackbox) is that they are really only as fun as the people you play with and that is a parameter that everyone sets in their own head.
I wouldn't necessarily say that anyone is TA here. You are allowed to be offended by something, but also a game like this often encourage offensive responses. It's just a little different because this was done by your boyfriend - arguably the person you trust most in life.
He expressed that he didn't realize you would be offended and apologized. I can't tell you how to feel, but it sounds like he recognized things went to far and feels bad about it. Personally I'd cut him some slack.
Fanoflif23 wrote:
NTA we've played that game (with our teenage kids- I really should have looked into the game a little more carefully) but we ended up having a blast because nobody used the things that hurt to split opinions. We all know each other very well - we don't literally know where the bodies are buried but we certainly all know which buttons we could press.
It was a game - we had fun- nobody pushed the wrong button because why would we want to upset each other and stop having fun? If your bf doesn't understand why never meeting your mum will always be a trauma for you then I'd suggest you explain it to him very clearly.
[deleted] wrote:
:( I don’t think you like being used for a win or being the butt of a “joke”. I wouldn’t take it lightly; either he apologizes and promises not to do it again (shouldn’t be hard btw don’t let him tell you it’s too hard not to make jokes about your late mother) or he’s an AH. NTA.
OP responded:
I don't mind being the butt of other jokes, but I just felt like this was a little too far. I was just really shocked by it. I don't care about being poked fun at for other things, but this was just too personal. Thank you for showing some empathy. I hope you have a nice day.
Three days later, OP shared an update.
Before I get into the update I'd just like to say thank you to all the people who showed sympathy to me in the comments. I really appreciate your kind words. May both sides of your pillow always be cold (or warm, whichever you prefer) Some people had the assumption that my boyfriend did not have any idea how emotional I was over the topic of my bio mother.
That is actually far from the case. We have been dating for 2 years and he has come with me multiple times to visit her grave. In fact, the thing that made me decide to ask him out in the first place was the compassion and love he showed me when we had a sentimental conversation about it. (We had been friends already for a while before we started dating).
He knows very well it's a sensitive topic.
That being said, we talked it out and I talked to him about his behavior. He was VERY apologetic and he felt really bad. He told me that he had intended his statement of "you WERE targeted" to be apologetic, but it didn't really come off that way.
I talked to him about how it made me feel, he promised to never do it again and he acknowledged that he crossed a line. He also apologized for unintentionally dismissing my feelings when I confronted him the first time. I chose to forgive him, because I truly believe he didn't mean to hurt me so bad. Mistakes happen and I could see and hear it in his voice that he was genuinely sorry for hurting me.
To those that were worried about me being in an bad relationship, thank you, but I assure you I'm fine. I appreciate your sympathies but I am happy in my relationship and we have chosen to work past this together.
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
Best-Error500 wrote:
An apology is important and I’m glad he provided that. His continued actions are gonna be important to prove that apology true. Continued unchanged actions after an apology aren’t an accident. Hope he learns from this and wish you the best.
Covert_Pudding wrote:
I think we've all had moments where we've really stepped in it - granted, this was a little more egregious than the usual gaffe - but if he's truly sorry, then good for him. He's not saying it was a joke or that you're too sensitive, and he apologized! I'm glad he gets that he messed up and is taking steps to repair things with you. Maybe he's just a little too competitive in games tho.
EatswithaSPORK wrote:
Good for you!
Glad you are able to work through the bumps of your relationship and move forward.