'AITA for suggesting my son call off his wedding?' 'She is not a very friendly person.'
"AITA for suggesting my son call off his wedding?"
My son, Peter, (31M) is getting married to Ellie (29F) in less than three months. I’ve never been very close to Ellie even though they’ve been together for nearly 7 years. She is not a very friendly person, and I’ve always had some concerns about her behavior.
For instance, when they first started dating my son lived with me and Ellie would come out to visit for the weekend (they were in a long distance relationship). They would often cook dinner at our house, but would rarely invited me to join them. I found this to be incredibly rude, as it felt like they were excluding me in my own home. There was also an incident where she was using the washing machine when it overflowed, which completely warped my hardwood floors and led to me having to cancel a dinner party I had been planning for weeks while I got someone out to fix them.
Over the years she’s barely made an effort to get to know me and every overture I’ve made has been rebuffed. I even made her a birthday dinner one year and she said she felt sick, which delayed dinner for everyone else and it was cold by the time she was “feeling better."
Even when they got engaged, she didn’t reach out. I gave them a not insignificant amount of money for the wedding, and I didn’t even get a thank you card. She said thank you on a phone call later that week, but it was in passing and just seemed to be completely thoughtless.
Most recently, I went to visit a few months ago and found myself incredibly worried with how Ellie talked to Peter. They got into a fight while I was there (I’m not sure what it was about) but I heard part of it and everything she said was just so cold and rude. I never even spoke that way to my ex-husband, even when I hated him! Ellie gave Peter the cold shoulder for an entire day, and refused to join us on any of the activities we had planned.
I got the invitation to their wedding a few days ago, and just felt sick to my stomach. After thinking on it for a few days, I felt like I would be doing Peter a huge disservice if I didn’t speak up about my concerns. I just don’t see how he can actually be happy in this relationship. He did not take it well, and we ended up having a huge fight.
He told me that me and Ellie’s relationship is one of the biggest stressors in his life, and that Ellie has been a rock for him through some tough times over the last few years. He also berated me for never giving her a chance, even though I feel like I’ve done a lot. Now he’s not taking my calls, and it looks like Ellie has blocked me, so I’m sure he told her what I said. I just want my son to be with someone who deserves him. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
DwayneBaroqueJohnson said:
YTA. Your first two "concerns" are that Peter didn't invite his mother to join his romantic meals with his partner and that your washing machine broke. He's definitely right that you never gave Ellie a chance.
thisisausergayme said:
How many years ago was the washing machine accident? Is there literally any reason to believe that she was responsible for it except that her clothes happened to be in it at the time? The fact that you’d remember something like that from years ago and count it against her, along with counting her feeling sick against her, feels like you’ve been looking for reasons to dislike her. It makes me not trust you as a narrator and suspect that YTA.
Thaliamims said:
YTA. You don't like Ellie. But you aren't going to marry Ellie -- your son is, and he likes her fine. Your complaints are not about her character -- you're mad that she doesn't kiss your butt enough. You really expect to be invited on your son's dates? And you're mad at someone for being sick on her own birthday?
You blame her for an accident with the washing machine because... I don't know, you think she did it on purpose to ruin your dinner party? Your son loves this woman. Get over your grudges and your pettiness or you'll permanently damage your relationship. It might already be too late, and there is no one to blame here but yourself.
Odd_Knowledge_2146 said:
YTA. Why do you want to go on dates with your son? Why can’t your son send thank you notes? Why is it Ellie that has to build bridges and “be the bigger person” - you sounds cold and unpleasant, and like you have made yourself the main point of contention in their relationship. If you ever want to have a relationship with future grandchildren you need to sort yourself out and learn to, you know, be nice.
Ready-Cucumber-8922 said:
YTA, you don't like her for fairly superficial reasons and it probably shows. Only one thing you mentioned was actually about the relationship with your son, and odds are the fight was about you. Couples fight and say things they don't mean, you said she was cold and rude, that doesn't seem out of the ordinary for a fight.
I notice the blame is all on her and never on your son. They had dinner at your home and didn't invite you but that's evidence that she is a bad person, not your son, who was also there, also making and having dinner.
You expected her to reach out to you when they got engaged...Why? What for? You gave the couple money and didn't get a thank you card... Again, why is she the bad guy and not your son? Why was it her responsibility? She said thank you in a phone call but that wasn't enough. Where I'm from you deal with your own parents.
It seems all she's done is have a different expectation of what your relationship should be, get ill on her birthday and have an accident with your washing machine (really don't see how it's her fault that you cancelled your dinner party over some warped floorboards and why wasn't your son helping her with your washing machine?)
90% of what you've said is about your relationship with her. You don't matter. Your son matters. Her relationship with him is what determines if they should get married. Not whether she wants to be bffs with you.
Swimming-Gain9608 said:
YTA. Not all kids want to invite their parents to a romantic dinner, even if it’s in their house. That’s not rude, just common sense. The washing machine incident, it’s entirely possible she didn’t know very well how to use a washing machine. And instead of being compassionate and maybe being kind enough to be understanding and teach her.
You got entitled and got mad about having to cancel a dinner party (you sound like the kind of person who has them a lot). She probably hasn’t tried to get to know you more because you sound unapproachable and like a nightmare. Them not sending a thank you card for the money for the wedding is a bit rude but honestly, no kid under 35 sends cards anymore.
She was nice enough to say thank you over the phone (which you would’ve only gotten a text from me because I’m very uncomfortable with phone conversations) and her sounding like she didn’t mean it, could be a number of things (distraction from a lot of things happening in her life- work, family, planning a wedding, etc).
I’m honestly surprised you haven’t complained that she didn’t invite you to watch her try on wedding dresses or to food/cake tasting (if they’re having their wedding catered at all). If I were your future daughter-in-law, I'd be avoiding you at all costs and if I were your son, I’d revoke your wedding invite.