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'AITA for supporting my husband's 'persecution' towards his bio child?' UPDATED 3X

'AITA for supporting my husband's 'persecution' towards his bio child?' UPDATED 3X


There's nothing quite like a toxic relationship between two co-parents.

"AITA for supporting my husband's 'persecution' towards his bio child?"

My husband (42M) and I (36F) have a very solid relationship. We have been together for about 13 years, have no children but are very active on my nephew's (4M) "Mark" life. For some background: My husband has a child (16F) "Laura" with whom only my MIL and to some degree FIL have a relationship with from his nuclear family.

The reason being she was conceived when her Mom poked holes to the rubbers. It was a whole drama about it and my MIL begging my Husband to have a relationship with Laura but he simply couldn't, he even had to get psychiatric help in order to be able to cope with it. The Mom admitted she did it so he would stay with her due to responsibility but it did not work.

He pays child support because the law mandates it but nothing more. I didn't hear about this news from my husband but from my MIL and she emphasized that she liked me a lot and hoped I would be a good enough person and procure a relationship between my husband and Laura, I was flabbergasted and asked my now husband about it because my MIL made it seem so different than the truth.

He explained he was going to tell me before we moved in together, and to be fair he kind of had already gave me little info here and there, and explained the whole situation and even told me I could go to therapy with him and see the psych info if I wanted but things were not like my MIL said. His sister confirmed this as well, and explained this issue was the reason she was not as close to her parents anymore.

Things went okayish for some time and even the wedding went without issues. We all have several boundaries and MIL more or less respects them although she still have constant communication with Laura and her Mom, we have several cycles of very LC with her.

But things went to overdrive once my SIL got pregnant with Mark, MIL started telling everybody it was not her first grandchild and all that cryptic stuff, my husband was so uncomfortable about it. She pushed for Laura to be involved in birthday parties, christening, etc. but we all said no. She also invited both of them to her birthday party a couple times and we simply did not attend.

Now the new issue is that Laura has been so sad for not having the bio Dad in her life. My husband said NO and left immediately, I stayed while grabbing our stuff since I had brought food and told her it was not going to happen. According to my MIL Laura just wants to know my Husband since he is her real Dad and despite being okay with her stepdad it's not the same.

She said she will give her our address and contact info because she is desperate for a connection, I told her I would call the p*lice on all of them. I said my SIL will be very upset with her when she hears of this and to not be surprised to get less access to Mark. MIL called my Husband cruel and me a bad person for encouraging his cr8elty towards an innocent child.

I told her I understand Laura is innocent but she most likely would not be asking the same if it was a woman who conceived in the same circumstances. AITAH?

Not long after, OP shared an update.

EDIT: I thank you all for your opinions even if you say we are monsters or cruel. I’m trying to keep up but I think I need to clarify some things. I asked if IATA not because I want to betray my Husband but because I stand by him no matter what. The rubber did not break and he was very into safe s*x, she assured him she was on the pill but he wanted to be safer by using rubbers.

Yes, she admitted to poking holes when he asked her if she would consider an a**rtion and if not if they could co-parent because he really didn’t want a relationship anymore. She admitted to it, MIL knows all of this. She is not in jail because MIL begged my husband to not report it and he just wanted it all over.

My FIL is like Switzerland now, at the beginning he was up in arms until my SIL asked him if he would feel the same if it happened to her. MIL is on thin ice with SIL since she introduced Mark to Laura on a Zoo outing without consulting SIL first. MIL is not allowed alone time with Mark anymore. He has to pay child support until Laura is 18 or done with education in the country we live.

He already made sure to make a will leaving her the minimum allowed by law since you can’t disinherit children in the country but you can leave them the least amount, MIL is very distraught at this since he had me and Mark as main beneficiaries. Husband does not want to meet Laura, give her a letter, etc. I am not going to make him do that.

I do believe my MIL is pushing harder since Mark was born because my Husband is amazing with him, we even took him on a trip recently and we are very loving towards him. We also spend a bunch on him because we want, we own our place but it’s all in my name for obvious reasons.

I don’t know if Laura knows, but I would never tell her because it is not my place and despite everything I think it is horrible to learn and worse from someone you don’t even know.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Ambroise-CY wrote:

NTA. Your husband was s#xually ass*ulted and a pregnancy resulted of that ass*ult. I would never pressure a woman to see the child of a r*pe if she didn't want to. The same goes for a man. So no, OP, you are absolutely not the A H. And your husband is not either!

I understand that this poor kid is as much a victim of her A H mother. Your husband most feel awful and is probably blaming himself for not wanting to be in the life of this kid. But he is not at fault here...and shouldn't feel guilty (easier said than done). Your MIL is a monster btw. And so is the bio mom.

Klendahthll wrote:

Look. I’ll be blunt here. I was a r#pe child. My 27-year-old father used to dr#g and r#pe my 14-year-old mother. Why am I saying this? Because it’s a bit of a claim to authority - I’m sorry but I think my opinion does have a bit more validity in this particular case, even with studies or whatever to back my claims. OP? NTA. Your husband? NTA. The girl? NTA, probably doesn’t know she was a r#pe child.

The mother? An absolute c*nt, don’t besmirch the good “AH” name by wasting it on her. She doesn’t know she’s a r*pe child, but at this point, just let her hate your husband, or feel abandoned. Why? Because wanting daddy is set too deep at this point, even if she believes you, it’ll make her hate her mother but she’ll still long for daddy.

I say that as someone who absolutely f#$king h*te my r#pist of a father, and as an adult I’d probably bury that fu#$ker if I ever met him. I could do the math before my mom ever told me the whole story, I knew he was a r*p*st, I still wished I had a dad at times when I was Laura’s age.

Telling her the truth is just going to make her push to be with OP more. She’ll go from wanting to meet him to wanting to live with him. Don’t bother. Your husband is the victim, but for his own sake - and Laura’s - just own being the bad guy. You aren’t, but play the part, it’s easier.

DelilahPixierose21 wrote:

Imagine being "Laura" in this situation.

What a sh#$ty hand to have been dealt by life.

MotherSupermarket532 wrote:

My sister had a friend who was the result of something similar (bio parent even went to prison). But his mom was verbally and psychologically ab#sive to the point that he basically lived with us and other friends' parents. He didn't choose to be born, it was horrific what he had to go through. It's not the kid's fault for how they were born. For wanting the stuff other kids have.

Two days later, OP shared a massive update.

I want to thank everybody that took the time to reply even if it was against us, you gave us the push we needed to clear the situation. I am sorry this is long. I showed my Husband the post and after spending a long time reading the comments he decided enough was enough.

Yesterday morning he texted my SIL and MIL telling them he would like to meet and have this over with, MIL said we could do it in the afternoon and that Laura was coming too, we all said OK. My SIL and BIL met us at the door because they didn't want to go in before us. It was really tense since the beginning, Laura tried to hug everybody but we asked her to please not.

Then she tried to hug my Husband and he was slightly less polite and asked her to not touch him. My MIL was very cheerful somehow and my FIL was just offering everybody drinks and snacks, he was like living in his own reality. We sat down and after what felt like the longest 5 silent minutes of my life my Husband turned to Laura and asked her if she could please leave him alone.

Laura responded that he was her Dad and she will need his support when she goes to Uni since she was planning to move to our city and it was very expensive and hard to find a place, she said she knew he own his own place and that he clearly has money to spare so she was wondering if he would help her out.

My Husband said no, that he was already paying child support and will stop as soon as the law allows him to. She was upset but somehow kept going, she turned to me and said that at the end of the day what is my Husband's will go to her since MIL explained the inheritance laws to her and she wanted to be in good terms with me for when we need to decide what to do with the house, etc.

I just told her not to worry because the house is on my name only and there is already a will covering it all. MIL knew about the will but not the house situation. Laura was a bit taken aback and looked at my MIL like asking for help.

She said that even if there is no future money she thought my Husband was unfair to her and that she used to think he simply didn't want to be a Dad but he is amazing with Mark and we even take him on trips. My SIL asked her point blank if she knew how she was conceived and she does. Laura knows everything and says that it was not the nicest way her Mom wanted her so badly that made it happen.

She said SIL should understand because she has her cousin and she would love a relationship with him. My SIL was seething and BIL told Laura he will literally call the cops if she tries to get near Mark.

She started crying saying that she wanted her family to love her and be as awesome as everybody is with Mark and that it is not her fault and her Mom is not a bad person she just wanted a family and my Husband denied them that. my Husband said that it was the lying and the deception that costed the relationship not him, that if there was an honest mistake things would have been different.

He told her he will never be her Dad and she needs therapy, he said that she could get a job instead of expecting him to pay for her life in the long term and that he is not willing to have contact after today. MIL started begging both her kids not to go and maybe do family therapy, they both said they are going NC with her and FIL is on thin ice. MIL is blocked everywhere.

I guess this is it. NC with MIL from all of us, SIL and Husband seem actually pretty happy with the decision. We had dinner together and the topic was dropped after a couple minutes and we focused on other stuff. I am sorry there is no Disney ending but this is for the best and I still support my Husband's mental health above all.

Not long after, OP shared another update.

I think I would like to play a little devil's advocate regarding the money. When Mark was born we started being very active in his life. We have yearly passes to the zoo, get him nice things, pick him up from daycare twice per week, got him to Disneyland Paris, etc. I believe my MIL was showing her pictures and that is why it came out like this. Or at least it is my assumption of it.

Her Mom is not poor by any means, but she does have 2 other kids. Our city is very popular for student life which makes it that much expensive. My Husband and I are not interested in having or not children on our own, we simply are ambivalent about the issue. I know it might have made MIL even more eager to have a relationship with Laura.

We were giving her pocket money for some time but we have decided to stop that as well and let her figure things out with her pension alone. I don't think we will have anything else to update in this case other than if Laura or MIL come around Mark but I highly doubt this will happen. As much as we don't want a relationship with any of them these are a teenager and a pensioner, not c*minal masterminds.

The comments kept coming in.

AcuteDeath2023 wrote:

It sounds like your MIL and Laura's mum have been feeding her a fantasy, so she now has this skewed view of how things 'should' be. Look, I feel for the kid, I really do, but what your husband and SIL/BIL did was appropriate. Was it painful for Laura? Yes. The shattering of illusions always is. Was it necessary? Also Yes. NTA.

z00k33per0304 wrote:

For MIL to have spoken to her about inheritance and she gets smug with OP about it tells me that she's been fed this nonsense fairytale for a while and that she's not actually interested in a relationship at all she's after him for what he can provide her so I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

It definitely sucks for the Laura but posing r#pe as some magical thing because she wanted a family is absolutely soci0pathic. Can you imagine reversing the genders and NOT seeing it as anything but the dystopian nightmare fuel it is?

hecknono wrote:

Her mom didn't want a family, didn't want a baby, she just wanted to make your husband stay with her, I guess Laura doesn't realise that her mom really didn't want her either and was just using her as a tool. I feel sad for her and hope she gets some therapy. It is unkind of your MIL and her mom to feed her untruths.

Soggy-Milk-1005 wrote:

So she doesn't actually want a relationship she wants and feels entitled to money? It seems like her mother and your MIL sugarcoated everything. If they truly misled her and she genuinely wanted a relationship I would feel sad for her. She definitely needs therapy because she knows how she was conceived but does not actually understand the violation. I wonder if she'll behave like this in romantic relationships.

Good for you all for setting boundaries and it sounds like you're a good support to your husband. Has he gone to counseling? I really feel like we as a society need to be more aware that men can be victims of r#pe and s#xual ass#ult. All victims deserve a voice and support.

Any_Time3277 wrote:

Trust me this is a Disney ending. You guys are happy (relatively), MIL is blocked and you guys have absolute clarity about the situation. Couldn’t have asked for more.

Sources: Reddit
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