'AITA for taking away all of my daughter's luxuries after comments that she made about me?'
"AITA for taking away all of my daughter's luxuries after comments that she made about me?"
For context I am a single father (34M) to a teenage daughter (16F) and we're from Scotland. I've pretty much raised her myself ever since her mother walked on the both of us when my daughter was still a toddler.
Her Mother wasn't fully committed to having a child due to how young we were at the time. However I knew that I wanted this baby girl in my life and I was determined to go through whatever hardships were thrown my way. Then the eventuality came, and her Mother left us and hasn't factored into our lives ever since.
Fast forward to the present day and I've developed a wonderful relationship with my daughter. She's the only person who has factored into my life for these past 16 years, and every decision that I've made, I've made for her.
There has been challenges along the way, and some very difficult times. But we've always managed to get through them, and I believe that I've done a good job in the role of both her father and her mother.
She's very articulate, well behaved and polite. She is honestly the best daughter that I could've ever asked for. And we're incredibly close, too, due to it being just the two of us. She has always been what they would call a 'Daddy's Girl'.
All of my disposable income has always gone towards father/daughter days out together, buying her things whenever she has asked for them. Though always within reason and budget, and with conditions such as that she does well in school.
Everything seemed perfect, till recently. A few weeks ago, a few of her best friends were over for the weekend. My daughter and her friends have known each other since their infant school days (early elementary school for any US Redditors).
They must've assumed that I was too far out of earshot, because when my daughter's friends were talking about how envious they are of her, and how lucky she is for having a Dad who loves her and will do anything for her. The words that came out of my daughter's mouth felt like swords piercing my heart.
She started laughing, as she told her friends about how easy it is for her to behave like a loving daughter, so that she can get anything that she wants from me. My daughter and her friends then all laughed together and made further jokes about how easily she can manipulate me.
Hearing these words coming from the mouth of the one person who I've dedicated my life to has been the hardest anguish that I've ever felt, and it feels as though she has physically ripped my heart from my chest. I have feelings of hurt, betrayal and humiliation from the one person who I never expected would put me through this.
After her friends left, I sat down for dinner with my daughter and I asked her what she meant when she told her friends that she behaves like a loving daughter just so that she can get anything that she wants from me. In that instant I saw the look in her face that reminded me of a deer in headlights. She initially didn't know what to say.
But after a few moments, the look on her face turned to one of ashamed as she tried to apologise and tell me that she didn't mean any of the words that she said. I don't believe that she is sorry or ashamed for her manipulation and lack of respect. I feel that she's only sorry about being caught.
As punishment, I have taken away the luxuries that I have been spending on her. Such as subscription services to Netflix, Crunchyroll, etc. I've replaced her contract phone with a simple phone that is 'Pay As You Go' (so that she can still contact people in an emergency), and I've also cancelled bookings for upcoming father/daughter days that I had planned with her.
Barring the basic necessities that I need to provide for her as her Father. Such as food, clothing, a roof over her head, money for transportation to school and money for school supplies.
My daughter feels that I am being incredibly unfair towards her and she has told me that this will permanently damage our relationship together. Which of course I do fear it could cause an irreparable damage to our relationship and that I will ultimately lose the one remaining person that I have left.
However I feel as though this is a fair punishment. She has taken advantage of my love for her and manipulated me to get everything that she wants. Whilst also disrespecting me by laughing about how easy I am for getting everything that she wants.
All of her past behaviour and words of love towards me now all just feels like a bunch of lies so that she could get anything that she wants. She has cried, telling me that she genuinely loves me and that she appreciates everything that she has done for me. But I am not so sure which words are the truth. Those cries, as she tells me that she loves me, or that laughter, whilst telling her friends how easy I am to manipulate).
I do apologise for what seems to be a rambling. And I promise that this isn't AI created, nor for karma farming. I am just looking for words and opinions from those out of my immediate circle.
Because this entire ordeal has scrambled my entire head and has left my heart torn in two by the one person who I never thought would break it. Because I genuinely want to believe that she loves me and that she was just being an immature teenager.
But I also don't want to be naive to the idea that perhaps these are my daughter's true and honest feelings towards me, and that I've been nothing but a bank of free money for her.
And whilst I will always love her, because she's my daughter and that love is unconditional. I feel as though things won't ever go back to being how they once were. Because there will always be that doubt now on whether her love for me is genuine. Thank you for listening to this incredibly long rant. It is slightly healing getting all of this off of my chest, to be honest.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you to everyone so far for your responses, I do appreciate all of them, and that includes both the NTA and YTA responses. I feel that both are needed to try and help me get my head around this entire situation. I will try and respond to as many replies as I can, but I do appreciate everyone who has taken time out of their day to post their own thoughts on the matter.
Just a few clarifications and minor bits of information that I left out in my original post.
Whilst she certainly did say at first that my punishments would damage our relationship long term.
She has since backtracked on that and has apologised, saying that she honestly didn't mean that and that she only said it out of anger at the time. She does seem to be genuinely upset and deeply regrets saying that.
She's also up for counselling so that we can come to an understanding, and my best friend (and my daughter's Godmother) has offered to mediate between the both of us.
Because we all want to get this sorted, and I genuinely want to believe what my daughter is saying is true, and that she regrets saying something that she didn't mean.
But I still feel that it will take a while to heal those wounds caused by her words. Once again, thank you everyone for taking your time to respond to something that has really be wrecking my mind.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I think you and your daughter would benefit from some family counseling. Tell her how hurt you were and that you want to go to counseling with her to work through it. If she willing agrees to counseling, you’ll know she does care. But you have to be open and honest with your feelings. She needs to see how much pain she caused you.
She's 16 brother, I think she was probably just trying to sound cool to her friends.
It sounds like, in trying to do his very best as a dad, OP has dedicated 100% of his energy for relationships to his daughter, only. He reeeeally needs to expand his circle beyond his daughter. It's unhealthy for both of them that OP continue to have no close relationships with anyone but his daughter.
IMO, his daughter can BOTH truly love him AND be showing some (typical) self-centered & mean teen behavior ?? I think OP needs professional help to undo his over-enmeshment with his child & to help OP understand that stresses & strains are normal between parents and children as kids move through adolescence.
Parenting is tough. Sometimes, there are no right answers. Looking back, I feel my kids might have benefitted both from more strictness and more understanding. I would say you should try to treat this as a learning moment for both of you. Letting her gradually earn your trust back as you try to understand her behavior may help grow your relationship. Good luck!
Sounds like she was just trying to sound edgy to her mates, hope you can both sort it through.
I think you’re too dependent on your daughter. This is totally normal teenage behaviour and you’re acting as if your wife said something bad behind your back. I think the fact that she has been THE ONLY PERSON in your life for so long has been incredibly damaging to you and it could be damaging to her as well to have a father so dependent on her.
She can’t be responsible for your feelings, and she needs room to make normal teenage mistakes. She is a teenager, not your life partner. Give her some room.