"AITA for taking credit for dinner I cooked?"
I could not cook for the life of me before I met my wife. Not that I was incompetent, just a very boring cook: grilled cheese, boiled dogs, ramen with maybe an egg or slice of cheese for excitement, bland oven baked chicken or pork chops that were never juicy.
Our first year of dating she painstakingly took her time in the kitchen to help me learn what spices suited each other, or what different chemical reactions go on with marinades or roasting and so on. I've since actually come to love cooking and experimenting and learning new recipes on my own. It helps I enjoy trying new stuff but I was afraid to do it without her encouragement and support.
We hosted a party, mostly family (maybe hers more than mine) and I cooked everything. I was so proud of myself, maybe stupidly, for handling a 20+ dinner party from invites to grocery shopping to cooking to handling set up and break down and all. I've helped with cooking and preparation with other parties over our four years, but never soup to nuts. My FIL thanked her for the meal.
I can only attribute this to ego, but I said, "well, you can thank her for teaching me to cook." He kind of got red in the face, then said she did a great job teaching me, and that was that. As I was cleaning up she asked me why I felt the need to brag by putting her down. I said that wasn't what I meant to do but she said that was what I did, regardless of intent.
I apologized, but it just wasn't enough. I also asked if this was something I did often, making her feel overlooked, but she said that a party with her family wasn't the place for me to start bragging.
The internet was quick to respond.
Alien_lifeform_666 wrote:
You didn’t put her down though! You gave her proper credit for teaching you. She was the AH for stealing credit. She should have corrected your FIL. I wonder if she’s envious or threatened by your newfound skills? NTA.
OP responded:
I doubt she's envious. She's a master in the kitchen, and she really excels with baking but her cooking is phenomenal. People often compliment her for how well she cooked. In hindsight maybe she's also upset my food, which still is nowhere near hers in quality, was mistaken for hers?
StoneAgePrue wrote:
NTA. You did everything, so why would she want the praise? This wasn’t bragging, as you did everything, including invites and grocery shopping by yourself. That’s not putting her down, that’s taking credit for your work.
Best_System_2927 wrote:
If it’s as you described, where is the put-down? You credited her good teaching. Why would it have been ok for her to take credit for all the work of this particular dinner? NTA.
skatesoff2 wrote:
I think her reaction is very strange. I am a woman and my partner is a man, and he does almost all the cooking for us. He loves it. When he cooks for big groups I’m so proud of him because I see how much work it is. When I’ve cooked PARTS of meals for bigger groups I’m proud of myself, and he’s proud of me, and any compliments he gets he corrects and says I deserve the compliments this time.
You should be proud of yourself and your wife should be proud of your hard work. Why wouldn’t you deserve the compliment? And I also feel like your way of correcting your FIL was even gracious!
Tamerlane_Tully wrote:
You did not brag. You didn't even properly take credit.
Your wife seems to have no trouble taking credit for your hard work/labor of love though. NTA. I hope she's more supportive in other areas.
Reddoraptor wrote:
So for her to not get to take credit for what you did is putting her down? Dude, that is some serious manipulation and based on this it sounds like everything is your fault, all the time. Sounds exhausting, and NTA.
A day later, OP shared an update:
I think I'm misusing the term, but missing missing reasons comes to mind. She was stressed by work due to a sudden project that she wanted to be well rested for to tackle. A dinner party with plenty of people isn't going to help that. The party was planned before the project was dumped on her.
She also apologized for her reaction and admitted it was out of line for her to say that, and reassured me that I did a great job, especially for my first party and for such a size. That night was out of character for her which is why I was concerned I screwed up. She was frustrated by the conversation she was having with her aunt because she was hinting around for babies.
She didn't hear her dad at first because she was focused elsewhere, then her mind caught up and she felt ashamed, like others were judging her for not being the one to cook (and according to what she's mentioned he probably instilled that in her), and she felt at the time like I was too quick to correct him.
I tried to apologize for that but she said it was fine, she was just more sensitive because of her embarrassment. I asked if there was anything specific I could change in how I show my appreciate that could help her feel fulfilled and validated: I verbally show my gratitude and clean up the kitchen after she cooks as a thank you.
But she clearly isn't feeling appreciated and that means there needs to be a adjustment. We're going to keep talking about how we both handle gratitude and appreciation for each other, to make sure we both feel fulfilled, and how I can support her best in the weeks upcoming because this project she had dropped on her is a big one that will mean a lot of extra hours for her.
Here's what people had to say after the udpate:
FoodBabyBaby wrote:
I appreciate this update. Out of curiosity- what did she do for this event? I couldn’t tell from the last post. I saw you shopped and cooked, but as someone who has hosted a lot personally and professionally I know there is a ton more that goes into it.
Who did the following?
Cleaned the house for guests
Coordinated invites/responses/sending info
Set up the tables/decor
Drinks (purchasing, set up, making)
Hosting (greeting, serving, etc)
OP responded:
I cleaned the house and set up tables, coordinated invites and RSVPs, and went shopping for drinks and food. There weren't many mixed drinks, mostly water, soda, wine, or beer, so not much that needed more than a glass and the bottle opened.
We both greeted, just by nature of who had been closer to the door, but it was informal in how everyone came in. I put out the food, but that's typical. She mostly helped entertain by talking with the guests.
bunnyslayer64 wrote:
Can you afford to hire a cleaning service to come in for a day while she is in the throes of this project? Coming home to a professionally cleaned house is a lovely treat!
Yetis_unicorn wrote:
You mean you’re planning to use empathy and healthy communication skills to solve this problem?! That is such a foreign concept. I wonder how many commenters you got suggesting divorce on your last post ? Seriously though. Stuff like this happens in relationships when one or the other is having a bad day but it sounds like you two are handling it the exact way you’re supposed.
I’m glad you guys were able to talk it out and come to understand each other. Congratulations on your healthy marriage. It’s a rare and wonderful thing to behold on the internet.
BoopityGoopity wrote:
D*mn these comments are so extra. God forbid OP’s wife have a human moment and not properly hear in the situation when being har*ssed. And despite conflict, once things calmed down, they had a loving discussion focused on growing closer together and nurturing their relationship while also resolving the issue at hand.
Good job learning to cook, OP, and learning how to handle hosting a party from start to finish! I hope you and your wife continue to grow together ?
LogicalDifference529 wrote:
This couple handled everything so well. I’m now going to send my husband a text because I appreciate him so much more after reading the comments from all the men on this post.